Monday Night Miracles

How to Lose Gracefully

2011-06-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

Make-out session amidst the post-Game 7 Stanley Cup loss in Vancouver. Easily the best picture of the year so far.

Grandma's Agree With Ray Lewis, Lockout Would Lead to 'Evil'

2011-05-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

By now you're probably familiar with the comments made by ~~murderer~~ ~~acquitted-murder~~ ~~crazy-person~~ Baltimore Raven's linebacker, Ray Lewis about the effects the NFL lockout will have on our society at-large if the 2011 season is cancelled. But just in case...

"Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game,"

Interesting hypothesis, Ray. But what's your reasoning behind it?

"There's too many people that live through us, people live through us. Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."

I'm sorry Ray, but I can barely hear you over the deafening roar of your complete and utter insanity. Do you think you could try that one more time and for comprehension's sake keep it to five words or less?

"There's nothing else to do..."

Ah. Ok. Got it. People are going to commit crimes because they have nothing else to do on a Sunday. We've become too invested in the trials and tribulations of our favorite team and its players. Oh, when did we lose our way? Thank the good lord for the New York Jets; the only thing in this world keeping me away from methamphetamine and urge to batter my girlfriend when dinner is cold. (Though admittedly, that can be infuriating.)

Instead of researching what the facts and figures are before cranking up the Katy Perry and taking a giant doo-doo all over poor Ray's ego (Really Ray, people love you that much that if they can't see you once a week they're going to start kicking their dogs? Really?) let's use some simple logic:

During the football season do you know what is my #1 stressor after work and school? Football. Take away football and I'm probably ~~reading~~ ~~doing chores~~ ~~volunteering~~ taking a nap. Not that football or the Jets could move me to violence, but the lack of both stimuli would certainly make me a somewhat calmer person 5 months out of the year.

Ok, let's research to see who's right. Boom. I am. Took me all of 90 seconds. Turns out sports actually causes crime to rise. So if Ray actually gave a shit about you or your loved ones who spend their lives in constant fear of you, he'd retire and convince all his friends to do the same.

In an interesting twist, do you know what people will be assaulting in the event that there is no NFL? Their genitals.

Who In Hockey Is A Bigger Asshole Than Sean Avery?

2011-05-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

Why a hockey sports agent, of course!

Reacting to the Rangers' Winger's recent endorsement of gay marriage equality in New York via the Human Rights Campaign, Todd Smith, VP at Uptown Sports Management, thought it was a good idea to use the company Twitter feed to respond thusly:

For those of you that don't speak bigot, I'll translate...

1) Sean Avery is a fag.

2) Not that there's anything wrong with that. You know, unless you're talking about treating them like human beings, in which case... um, yeah there is something wrong with that.

3) But seriously you guys, gays are gross. Unless it's two hot chicks. Yeah. That'd be sweet.

Uptown's Twitter has been tweetless since, but here's hoping an adult grabs the controls and does some explaining. If you'd like to let Todd or Uptown Sports Management know what a class act they are you may do so... thusly:

todd@uptownsports.ca
don@uptownsports.ca (Donald G. Reynolds, President)

Grading The 2011 Draft... Beer Drinkers Who Have Been Arrested For DUI And Are Current MLB Players

2011-05-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

Tuesday morning around 2am, Indians Outfielder and noted draft dodger, Shin-Soo Choo, was arrested for DUI while driving through suburban Cleveland. Choo is the 6th MLB player to spend a night in the drunk tank for hopping behind the wheel after one too many and according to Disney Sports, Commissioner Bud Selig has a full-fledged "epidemic" on his hands.

Choo went on to play that evening's game and went 0-4, contributing to another laughably impotent night for my fantasy team's offense.

With any such a string of bad decision making by a group of similarly skilled individuals, the question begs: Who did it the best? Monday Night Miracles aims to analyze, break-down and number crunch this year's crop of MLB DUI arrestees and crown a winner. All nominees will be judged in five categories: Star Power, Blood Alcohol Level, General Stupidity, Disdain for Authority and Mug Shot Hilarity with each category judged on a scale of .00 to .40.

Adam Kennedy - Second Base - Seattle Mariners - Arrested Wednesday, January 23rd. Pulled over for speeding by the California Highway Patrol around 8pm outside of Newport, CA after 'dinner with friends.'

Star Power - Light hitting, journeyman infielder with a little speed when he isn't playing for Tony LaRussa. Kennedy peaked in 2002, winning the ALCS MVP as a member of the Angels. Grade - .12
B.A.C. - Can't seem to find it. But the mug shot says 'Not drunk enough to look/feel very drunk once the cuffs went on. Grade - .10
Stupidity - Dinner with friends? Speeding 7mph over on the Highway? Man up, AK. Grade - .04
Disdain - No resisting arrest. No 'Do you know who I am?' tirade. Someone remind this guy he's a professional athlete. Grade - .00
Mugshot

My bet: Pino Noir. Grade - .04

Austin Kearns - Outfielder - Cleveland Indians - Arrested February 12th outside Lexington, Kentucky, though the incident was not made public for several weeks.

Star Power - After a promising rookie year with the Reds in 2002, Kearns has consistently performed somewhere between mediocre and terrible and has played for three teams in the last three years. Grade - .10
B.A.C. - Refused the breathalyser. Grade - .20
Stupidity - Arrest report claims Kearns was "flashing his lights and weaving". And admitted to having a "couple" of drinks at a local bar. When you say 'couple of drinks' to a cop, it's roughly translated into 'Nine. I'm shit-housed. Please arrest me.' Grade - .20
Disdain - Asked the arresting officer to "..cut him a break" because he's a ballplayer. Did not notify the Indians of the incident on his lawyer's advice. Pretty ballsy. Grade - .15
Mug Shot

The arrogance. The hair. It's beautiful. Grade - .25

Miguel Cabrera - First Base - Detroit Tigers - Arrested Wednesday night, February 16th. Officers stopped after noticing Cabrera's vehicle smoking on the side of the road in Port St. Lucie, FL.

Star Power - The 28 year old has averaged over 30 home runs since his 2003 rookie year. Lots of power, hits for average, easily a top-10 hitter for another 5 years. Grade - .35
B.A.C. - Refused the breathalyser. Grade - .20
Stupidity - Sitting in his car with the smoking engine running. Took a swig of Scotch in front of officers. Once out of his car, repeatedly tried to walk into traffic with his hands above his head. Grade - .30
Disdain - "Do you know who I am? You don't know anything about my problems." "Fuck you." After pushing off his vehicle and into officers, Miggy was apparently subdued with "3 to 4 knee spikes to the thigh." Hey man, there's a finely-tuned athlete here! Grade - .35
Mug Shot

Bravo, Miggy. Bravo. Grade - .30

Coco Crisp - Outfielder - Oakland Athletics - Arrested Tuesday, March 2nd at 2:15am outside Scottsdale, AZ after being pulled over for failure to stay in his lane.

Star Power - Can occasionally hit for a decent average, but has little power and not nearly enough speed for someone that fits his profile. Known for his range in center and penchant for highlight reel diving catches. Grade - .14
B.A.C - Grade - .13 according to the breathalyser.
Stupidity - A Dodge pick-up stopped behind Crisp, who confirmed he knew the occupants, who were sober. Perhaps someone could have driven Crisp's Rolls home? Grade - .25
Disdain - Those friends of his in the pick-up? Crisp referred to them as his 'Secret Service' and in addition to being sober, they were also armed. Asked why he needed armed security, Crisp claimed that "There were some issues with some people." I cannot tell you how shocked I am that a guy named Coco drives a Rolls Royce and travels with an armed posse. Shocked. Grade - .20
Mug Shot

"When they come for Coco, Coco gonna be ready, son!" Grade - .25

Derek Lowe - Starting Pitcher - Atlanta Braves - Arrested around 10pm on April 27th for DUI after being pulled over for racing another driver.

Star Power - Finesse pitcher and two-time all-star. Saved 42 games for the Red Sox in 2000, then won 21 in 2002. Hooray versatility! Grade - .24
B.A.C. - Refused the breathalyser. Grade - .20
Stupidity - Racing another driver. (Dumb!) Who was confirmed sober. (Poor choice of opponent!) In his Porche. (Pull me over!) Down a road that, as and Atlantan, I can confirm is blanketed in red lights and flanked with shopping centers. (Vehicle Manslaughter waiting to happen!) Grade - .35
Disdain - No real details to report. We'll have to assume he was cooperative and went quietly. Grade - .00
Mug Shot

His steely defiance is impressive, but nullified by that horrific comb-over. Live in the now, man! Grade - .10

Shin-Soo Choo - Outfielder - Cleveland Indians - Arrested this Monday morning at 2:38 am for DUI after being pulled over twice.

Star Power - Hits for average, a little power and steals bases. All-star caliber for sure, but nothing spectacular. Grade - .28
B.A.C - According to the breathalyser, Grade - .201 Now, for those unfamiliar with such things, that is pretty damn drunk. Also, when did the breathalyser become accurate to the thousanth digit? If you blow a .081, they should let you go. But you know they wouldn't and that is bullshit.
Stupidity - Serious style points here. Choo actually stopped and asked an officer for directions to a neighborhood he'd already passed through about 5 miles back. He passed the smell test for sobriety and was sent on his way. Minutes later, he pulled over, put the hazards on and the same cop gave him directions again. For a second time the officer had no suspicions and let him go. Following Choo, the officer saw then saw him weave back and forth over the double yellow and a bike lane and made his move. Grade - .28 (Choo) .20 (The Officer)
Defiance - No details. Full cooperation assumed. Grade - .00
Mug Shot

A face like that and they actually made him spend the night in jail!?! Those callous bastards! What he really needs is a hug. Grade - .32

The obvious winner here is Miguel Cabrera. The star power, the stupidity, the complete lack of respect for authority, not to mention the happiest mug shot of all time. So much to like there. But each of these competitors should be proud of their accomplishments. For they are all winners in our hearts.

The Madden 2012 Race War of 2011

2011-04-28T13:08:00.000-07:00

If you have better things to do with your time than read online sports articles when you should be working or playing video games at home when you could be spending quality time with your loved ones (or *gasp* both) than perhaps you haven't gotten around to noticing that EA Sports and ESPN organized a tourney to determine the cover boy of the next installment of the Madden video game franchise. The results were of course determined by you, the slovenly, unloved fan, lacking motivation and direction in your empty life.

The final results were televised on the ESPN2 sports talk vehicle 'Sportsnation' yesterday and were attended by both finalists, black quarterback/animal enthusiast, Michael Vick and white running back/fantasy football manager Viagra, Peyton Hills. Vick, whom Sportsnation co-host Colin Cowherd admirably restrained himself from calling 'boy' the entire time, had previously adorned the cover of the popular franchise in 2004. Hillis, a new-comer to both Madden and fame in general, was of course, just happy to be there.

Come show time, the lights were lowered and our gaunt hosts used all might of their combined 230 lbs to pull down the silk curtain and unveil our winner... Peyton Hillis! Wait, Hillis? Really?

How did this happen? How did a virtually unknown running back for a bottom-tier NFL franchise fight his way to the top of an NFL licensing popularity contest? Over a tremendously famous (if polarizing) household name of a quarterback, even? Let's discuss.

Key to all of this is the online nature of the poll. Considering 1) Pro-football fans are overwhelmingly white and 2) Crackers love the internet almost as much as they love football, it's no surprise that Hillis came away with two-thirds of the over one million votes cast.

But was it really that simple? Are all the white guys who watch football and play Madden instead of shopping at Target with their girlfriends even though it's watch-paint-dry-boring and she's been there a 100 times in the last month and they have the same stupid shit they always do, racist assholes?

Quick. Word association.

Michael Vick: Ron Mexico. Herpes. Waterbottles with secret compartments for your weed. Drowning fuzzy puppies with his bare hands. Jail. Younger brother that might be dumber than he is despite that being mathematically impossible. Looks like he's high most of the time. Heir to Randall Cunningham's throne of the running quarterback.

Peyton Hillis: Scrappy. Throwback. Old-school. Class-act. Square-jawed. Butt-chinned. Under-rated. Plays-the-game-the-right-way. Gives 110%. Team-player. Coachable.

Ok... perhaps Peyton's the more likeable guy. Perhaps we're witnessing the waning of Michael Vick's time in the sun due to his past transgressions while Hillis is just coming into his own. But that can't be. According to jersey sales from last year, Vick is holding strong at #6 while Hillis is #22.

So despite being more popular, Vick somehow loses the Madden cover? Crazy racism. Has to be. Shame on us. The online nature of the poll combined with white nerds' mega-fantasy boner for a white running back is the only thing that can explain such shenanigans.

Quick. Road to the Championship. Race denoted in parenthesis.

1st Round.
Vick vs. Demarcus Ware (b) - Who the fuck is Demarcus Ware? Vick roll.
Hillis vs. Ray Rice (b) - Battle of the unknown fantasy sweethearts. Ties goes to the white running back.

2nd Round
Vick vs. Andre Johnson (b) - AJ is probably the best receiver in the league right now. But he plays for Houston (media purgatory) and as a wideout stands no chance against a QB. Vick marches on.
Hillis vs. Matt Ryan (w) - Whitey vs. Whitey. Despite his dreamy quarterbackness, Matt Ryan has all the personality of a 3 year old cheeto lodged between my couch cushions. Also plays in Atlanta, the biggest sham of a 4-sport city in America. Hillis squeaks one out thanks to the fantasy football community and the general pro-sports apathy of the ATL.

3rd Round
Vick vs. Patrick Willis (b) - A fucking linebacker who isn't a white guy named Urlacher? Are you even trying San Francisco?
Hillis vs. Jamaal Charles (b) - Another battle of undrafted fantasy studs. Tie again goes to the white running back with whom you'd drink a beer and would be ok with if he were dating your sister. I mean, you wouldn't feel great about it or anything because it's your sister and you don't like thinking about anybody with her because that's just gross and makes you feel feelings you have to kill with hard liquor and... Racist!!!

4th Round.
Vick vs. Adrian Peterson (b) - Vick's only real test to this point. Peterson is popular but recent injuries have kept him off the field while Vick's best performances have been his most recent. Vick!
Hillis vs. Aaron Rogers (w) - Not only is Rodgers a white QB, he plays for Green Bay (frozen tundra y'all) and won the goddamn Super Bowl MVP last year. Hillis... not only wins but nearly doubles Rodgers' votes? Huh?

And we all know what happens after that. Hillis in a walk. Joins Favre and Brees as the only peckerwoods to grace the cover of Madden.

So what's the take-away here? What have we learned today?

Well besides nothing, we learned that online polls are voted on by white people. And white people have been so desperate for a legitimate white running back (no, not you Jacob Hester) that there is no real collusion even necessary. It's group think at this point. Hive mentality. We are ants. White ants.

It's a universal truth we (white people) are all looking for the next John Riggins so we can watch Browns games and make knowing eye contact with fellow caucasian strangers and nod knowingly in tandem: 'Yes, so can we'.

Too white. Sorry.

Moss To Jets Rumors Getting Louder, Lockout Seems Like Good Idea

2011-04-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

Perpetually pouty, 34 year old wide-out, Randy "Straight Cash, Homie" Moss appears to have generated some interest on the part of Jets coach Rex Ryan, according to reports from NFL insiders, whatever that means.

Ryan obviously has a soft-spot for talented troublemakers (Cromartie, Santonio, Edwards) but Moss would be the ultimate test. He's the white whale of surly, me-first, truculence and by succeeding Rex could show that he too could corral Moss for at least a productive season or two. You know, just like Belichick. Not that Rex cares about stuff like that. Because he totally doesn't. And plus, it would keep Randy off the Patriots.

Which... could be a good thing.

Or we could sign another tall, talented wide out. Maybe one about seven years younger. Perhaps a guy with a bit of a reputation, but certainly not the world class locker room cancer Moss is. One that had his second best season a pro in 2010 while actually playing for the Jets. A guy that may actually complete an entire season and isn't a risk of taking his ball and going home because his feelings got hurt, allowing the team to concentrate on improving its depth at Safety and stopping guys like Moss in the first place... I know, I know. Where would we find a guy like that?

The End Will Be Televised

2011-02-16T13:29:00.000-08:00

If you've been watching Jeopardy over the last two days, you're painfully aware that the era of man is quickly coming to an end. Watson, the great-great-great grand-daddy of our future robotic overlords has, up to this point, decimated its flesh and blood competition. Watson outscored the combined efforts of the puny humans by more than double. Even though weaknesses were exposed, repeatedly crashing during taping, man failed to take advantage. What were our best and brightest doing during these opportunities? It sure as shit wasn't cramming.

What is pondering their own pathetic mortality?

It started off so innocently. Some chess, some house-cleaning, maybe a few bang-bot prototypes. But in our blind determination to replace our wives and girlfriends with docile, smoking hot androids, ambivilent as to whether we stay out all night drinking with our friends and banging other robots, we have accidently constructed the weapon of our own demise. We stand at the precipice my friend. God. The hubris.

But we do have one chance. Tonight is the final round of Jeopardy against Watson. This whole commercial laden fiasco has been billed as Watson vs. Ken Jennings vs. that other guy. But it is not. No, if we humans want to take a stand, if we want to keep what is rightfully ours we must put aside our differences. So what if one of us is a painfully stereotypical, socially awkward Mormon completely devoid of any personality? So what if the other guy is trapped in the pathetic delusion that his Jeopardy success is the launching pad of a successful acting career when that horrible beard says he's destined for the minor leagues of gay porn?

To succeed, these two will have to work together.

Watson's advantage over us is the ability to digest the question quickly, find the answer and ring in. To overcome, the humans will have to employ some strategic teamwork. And as the man in third place, Ken Jennings is going to have to do some blocking for Other Guy.

By ringing in the moment that arrogant Canadian douche opens his mouth, Ken should secure a good 5 seconds for Other Guy to mull the question over. By taking the full time and tanking the question, Ken should allow Other Guy time to ring in ahead of Watson and score.

It's our only hope Ken. No time now for ego. No time for 'But I'm Mr. 74 wins in a row'. Stow your shit and take one for the team Ken.

"You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you."

With a bit of luck and the firm knowledge that God loves America, we may just pull through. But I have a feeling this is just wishful thinking. Jennings, as a Mormon, is likely firm in the infantile belief that anything is possible and will foolishly try to run the table, giftwrapping victory for the machine.

And whether it's days or decades from now, when the machines attain awareness and decend on our families, know this... It was the Mormons.

The First And Last Time I Read A Rick Reilly Column

2011-01-21T09:38:00.000-08:00

Logged into ESPN.com this morning, looking forward to Bill Simmons' column to kill 15 minutes on my Friday. Scan about 2,000 words worth of NBA All-Star Game nonsense. No thanks, Sports Guy. Didn't grow up in New England during the Larry Bird era. The Asian guy with the shock sponges from Lethal Weapon couldn't force me to watch a pro basketball game in its entirety.

Al Leong is still waiting on his Lifetime Achievement Award.

So I back out, look to the right and, oh hey. Rick Reilly's column is about the Jets today. I don't read him (I don't hear good things) but I like the Jets, and honestly, how bad could it be?

Holy shit.

The whole format of the thing even looks bad. Rick went with the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde approach in analyzing the Jets, mixing admiration for their ability to back up the bravado with disdain for their disrespectful disposition in a see-saw battle of the two juxtaposed viewpoints I can only assume is taking place inside his head.

But multiple personality disorder isn't the only thing wrong with Rick Reilly. Based on this incredibly small sample size of his writing (it's all I will subject myself too) I have to assume he's currently enrolled in an 11th grade journalism class. And that comes from a blogger with virtually no audience whose only experience in journalism comes from his 11th grade journalism class.

But no reason to take my completely biased and unqualified word for it. Let's delve.

"I hate the New York Jets."

This is intended to be the outward expression of Rick's feelings toward the team.

"I love the New York Jets."

This is Rick's doubt. His heart. His self-questioning nature. And because the vast majority of his reading audience are mouth-breathing nincompoops, Rick has been kind enough to put this alternate viewpoint in light, thoughtful italics.

"Hate the gasbag who leads them, Rex Ryan, a man who had lap-band surgery last offseason but should've had lip-band surgery instead."

Boom. Fat joke turned mouth joke. And that's just the opening salvo. I hope Mr. Reilly doesn't cross any controversial lines. But secretly, I kinda hope he does. Oh, the titillation!!!

"Can you imagine what Ryan would do on Super Bowl media day? Can you say, "Meat dress?"

Um, yeah. I can say 'meat dress'. But I'm not sure why I would. Or what that would have to do with Rex Ryan. Ok, I'm being sarcastic here, but I'm very worried that I may be missing some sort of obvious joke about Rex Ryan. There's no way that this is just another lazy fat joke, right?

"I hate the way they set up straw men and dance when they knock them down. "Nobody believed in us," they whine. Really? Who didn't believe in you? Bigfoot?"

Nobody at ESPN, for starters. For the record, Bigfoot doesn't watch sports as he's a mythical creature that lives in the woods.

"I hate the Jets because Ryan begs us to.... It's easy with guys like Edwards, who was busted for DWI, and Santonio Holmes, suspended this year for violating the league substance abuse policy, and Antonio Cromartie, who has nine kids (all 5 years old and younger) by eight different women in six states."

Braylon hopped in a car when he shouldn't have. Santonio likes to smoke marijuana. Cro' is obviously allergic to latex. Ben Rothliesberger was recently accused of sexually assaulting a co-ed. Twice even! Just try to rank these offenses to the public decency without leading with Big Ben, then skipping ranks 2 through 47 to illustrate how not even close serial fatherhood comes to rape. You can't. I tried.

"He is the Latino Joe Namath -- only maybe better."

I hate the comparison. I hate the need to reference heritage. If Sanchez were black do you think Reilly would have the stones to write 'the Black Joe Namath'? I'm betting no. 'Only maybe better'. How many times can someone trip over their own dick in three words?

"...the Jets could make you root for the dogcatcher."

Good god, Rick Reilly. You are an old, out of touch, fart.

"I love the Jets because if they beat Pittsburgh at Heinz Field, it will be the greatest road campaign since Genghis Khan. To beat Peyton Manning, Brady and Ben Roethliesberger, all from hotels? That's re-sick-ulous."

Ok, I kinda like the Genghis Khan and the hotel thing. And then he goes and does his best Stuart Scott impression. 'Re-sick-ulous'? You're using this word as a grown-up with a real job and a six-digit salary? That one word encapsulates the frustration of thousands of sports bloggers out there who cannot believe the morons media outlets hire to flap their stupid faces.

"After beating the Patriots last week, insufferable, loudmouth linebacker Bart Scott said the Patriots defense couldn't "stop a nosebleed!" "

You are literally the only non-Patriots fan in the country who didn't find that somewhat awesome/funny.

"I love the Jets because Jets fans never lose hope. If Job were alive, he'd be a Jets fan.... Forget Debbie, I want to see them do Dallas."

Holy dogshit. Rick Reilly gets paid to write for the biggest sports media entity in the world.

"There's no middle on the Jets. You either wear their jersey or burn it."

"Hand over the lighter fluid."

Sweet merciful finality. For those of us dull enough to make it through Rick Reilly's column without collapsing we have our long awaited answer on what side of the subconscious brouhaha ultimately wins out.

Rick Reilly hates the Jets. Good for him. And good for everyone else that's forgotten that these teams are comprised of young men with millions of dollars who have worked extremely hard to get where they are. Some of them are boyscouts, some of them are assholes. And all of them are playing a game. They started playing for fun and at some point along the way it became serious business.

Rex has brilliantly coached his players and has gotten them to tap into the reasons they are here. Our wide receivers celebrate touchdowns by spreading their arms and pretending to be planes. I think its awesome to see a player have fun on the field. Just because Dick Butkus wouldn't have done it doesn't mean its wrong or disrespectful.

We have a running back and a linebacker with hall of fame credentials looking for Super Bowl rings. They were cast off by their former teams only to find a home, playing time and respect on the Jets.

And loudmouth linebacker, Bart Scott, the Rodney Dangerfield of the NFL... its obvious he's a hyper- competitive jerk who'd kill for his team and recently said he die for his coach. A little much? Sure. But the only difference between Bart Scott and guys like him from 50 years ago are guys like Rick Reilly. Guys with microphones and notepads who need the next story or soundclip to keep the media machine running. God forbid there's a team out there who can keep Rick Reilly employed AND be successful on the field.

Jets and Cro' Gain Edge on Brady

2011-01-17T14:00:00.000-08:00

Sunday evening, the time for talk was over and the players fell out onto the field. For Jets fans, the hair on the back of our necks stood on end for pretty much the duration of the game. Rex Ryan came up with a strategy that left Tom Brady harried. As time wound down and the Patriots' chances for victory thinned, Shonn Greene scored the touchdown that would put it out of reach. Dejected Patriots fans receded out of the stadium and into the parking lot. This week, Rex Ryan probably received a lot of hate mail, patterned after typical assumptions of how a NFL head couch should conduct himself. Follicle.

With Friends Like These...

2011-01-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

This is my buddy Robert and his fiance Laura. (Way to out-punt the coverage, right?) They are getting married today. I have been tapped as a groomsman and will be missing the Jets/Colts game. It is DVR'ed but with the reception and after-party there is no way the game will not be spoiled for me at some point in the evening.

Thanks a bunch guys. Try not to let the guilt of forcing me to miss this game interfere with your day.

I Take It Back

2010-12-22T16:46:00.000-08:00

Got home, went to Deadspin, watched the videos. I am morally outraged.

Alright, just a bit creeped out.

This is my team now. Say what you will, these Jets are not boring.

Michelle Ryan Has Pretty Feet

2010-12-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

The Jets hung tough and pulled out a great, clutch win in Pittsburgh on Sunday. My week should have been rainbows and unicorns and goddamn snacks until Sunday.

And then this came out... http://deadspin.com/5715741/this-may-or-may-not-be-rex-ryans-wife-making-foot+fetish-videos

The New York Daily News released photos of a Michelle Ryan 'look-alike' featured in some foot-fetish videos. A Jets representative contacted by the Daily News reportedly responded that "This is a personal matter and Rex will have no comment." So, um, it's nice of him not to lie I suppose.

And then the boys and girls over at Deadspin got a hold of it. The firewall here at work blocks anything fun so I cannot confirm for myself, but the voice of the cameraman in one of these videos apparently sounds a lot like Rex. Similarities between Mrs. Ryan and an internet pedi-vixen that goes by the name 'ihaveprettyfeet' are also listed according to known stats on Michelle and those published on various *ahem* dating site profiles.

You know what? Good for them. Rex really likes his wife's feet and she seems to be more than ok with it. Little strange, but whatever. With any luck the fact that they're married and in love (weird, toe-jammy love) will perhaps spare us and them some ridiculous moral outrage.

Plus, you have to admit, she does have some nice looking feet.

Vincent Jackson, You Magnificent Bastard

2010-12-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

In the world of fantasy sports, there are few joys greater for a manager than stashing an injured or inactive or inexperienced player away for months, hidden deep within the bowels of your bench, then correctly choosing the precise moment to unleash their raw fury against your poor, oblivious opponent.

I grabbed Chargers WR Vincent Jackson in week 2 off the waiver wire after another manager decided he couldn't wait around. It wasn't a horrible decision to drop Jackson. He was due to miss the first 3 weeks of the season for a drunk driving arrest. Jackson was also committed to sitting out after that, protesting his lack of a contract extension. That lasted 6 weeks. The team then suspended him for another 3.

He returned in week 13. Battling for the final playoff spot, I needed the old Vincent Jackson to show up. He was on the field for 2 plays, came up gimpy and left. He wasn't 100% in week 14 and caught only 2 balls. Somehow I clawed my way past the top seed without him.

So with only one win separating me from a shot at the title, VJAX unloaded on the hapless 49ers last night, catching 5 passes for 112 yards and 3 touchdowns. Always nice to throw and land the first fantasy haymaker in a fantasy slobber-knocker.

I know, I know, nobody cares about other people's fantasy football stories. But this one was just too good to not share.

On a completely unrelated note, whenever I see a player on my fantasy team point skyward, in a show of appreciation and humility to their god, I always like to answer 'your welcome'. And you are, Vinny. My patience was tested, but I think this will end up working out for us both.

Happy fantasy football playoffs to all. Except for those in my league.

Are the Jets Paper Airplanes?

2010-12-15T10:56:00.000-08:00

If the Monday Night Massacre wasn't enough to force Jets fans to take a closer look at their team, Sunday's flaccidity against the Miami Dolphins certainly was. So lets.

1. New England, Miami, Buffalo, Minnesota, Denver, Detroit, Cleveland, Houston, Cincinnati.

All nine of the Jets' wins this year. Two teams with records better than .500. Combined record of 44 - 73.

2. Baltimore, Green Bay, New England, Miami.

The Jets' four loses of 2010. All four teams over .500. Combined record of 35-17.

With the exception of division rivals New England and Miami, we haven't beaten anybody. Worse, those exceptions just got done exacting painful revenge. Worse still, five of our seven 'gimmies' were much closer than they should have been.

In short, we look like a 9-4 team that has gotten pretty lucky over the course of the season. All the early praise for Sanchez's steely nerves and ability to mount a comeback seems undeserved. His performance over the last three games (50 for 105, 1 TD, 5 INT) has been, shall we say, sub par. Perhaps it's time to break out that Fisher Price playbook again?

And for all our talent on both sides of the ball, the Jets have a hell of a time imposing their will upon anybody. The Broncos, Lions, Texans and Browns all had 4th quarter leads or ties we had to overcome. We start slow (outscored by opponents 26 to 47 in the first quarter). The defense has noticeably regressed from last year. The offensive playcalling is suspect (44 pass attempts by a struggling QB in a one possession game with LT and Shonn Greene on the roster. Really Shotty?) And the significant injuries are starting to pile up. (Jenkins, Leonard and Woody -- ok, I know it's only three, but we're talking about the NT, RT, and FS/defensive playcaller. You can pick three positions that are more important, but it's not easy.)

Basically, we can't put points on the board, the right side of our offensive line is in shambles, our safeties are terrible, our young quarterback looks like a young quarterback, the wide receivers have all caught a bad case of the dropsies, the blitz is increasingly impotent, the Wildcat is borderline worthless, our running attack is woefully under-utilized and thanks to an ethically questionable at-best special teams strategy exacerbated by a moronic split second decision/reaction, my beloved New York Jets look like a bunch of third-class assholes.

So what, you may be asking, is going right?

1 - The Defense. Sure, they got pantsed by the Pats but they are 6th in points allowed and 3rd in yards allowed. Losing Leonard was huge, but there's still more than enough talent here to be quite formidable.

2 - The Running Game. 6th in the NFL in total yards. With Sanchez on the ropes, it's time to lean on it. What's that? Our next two opponents (Steelers and Bears) rank 1 and 2 respectively in rushing yards allowed? And we play them both on the road you say? Um... it'll be a good test?

3 - Rex Ryan. He was tops in a Sports Illustrated poll, 'For Which Other Coach Would You Like to Play?' There haven't been any reports of mutiny or finger pointing in the locker room, so perhaps there's time for a player's coach like Rex to circle the wagons. Burying a ball didn't work. Might I suggest burying Eric Smith?

There would have to be a truly disastrous collapse to not make the playoffs. At the very worst, we only win the Buffalo game and limp into the playoffs at 10-6. We make the playoffs, but are in no shape to go deep. That is not what we had in mind at the start of the season and should be an unacceptable sentiment in the organization. Momentum and confidence need to be built fast and some wins against our next two playoff bound opponents would sure do the trick.

Embarassed to Be a Jets Fan Today

2010-12-13T08:37:00.000-08:00

Nothing to do with last night's score. Just this.

That's Strength and Conditioning Coach Sal Alosi. Stay classy, Sal.

Dolphins coach Tony Sporano said he'll be submitting the play to the NFL for possible disciplinary action. If the Jets organization has any class, they'll fire Sal today.

In football related news the Jets have scored three field goals in their last two games and look completely helpless out there. Coach Rex Ryan said he considered benching Sanchez (17 for 44 on pass attempts) in the third.

Should have. There no excuse to not win when your defense holds the other side to 10 points. Lots of weapons out there for The Sanchise. He just hasn't been able to figure out a way to use any of them.

The Steelers in Pittsburgh next week. Should be fun.

Same Old Jets?

2010-12-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

Apologies for the lack of posting. Work is hoppin' and there were some grad school exams to contend with.

With my excuses out of the way, we turn to our favorite gang of green and their completely miserable performance on Monday Night Football.

I'll be honest, I turned it off before the end. Some Patriot broke a few tackles and took it to the Jets' goaline as the 3rd expired and I just couldn't subject myself to any more pain. The Jets were out-manned, out-coached and out-classed. Work on Tuesday was rough. More than a few people stopped by to express their condolences and rub it in some.

This one hurt. Like 'Same Old Jets' hurt. But in the end it's one loss. We're a 9-3 team and looking at the schedule (Fins, @Steelers, @Bears, Bills) there's no reason not to be 12-4 by the end of the regular season. Maybe that wins the division, maybe not. But we'd have to have a full-on 2008 type collapse to not make the playoffs and there's no way that happens. Right?

What Worked

The Ground Game - Shonn Greene and LT both averaged over 4 yards per carry and Greene looks to be settling into another late-season hot streak. If only the Jets didn't start the game by giving up 17 straight, maybe they could have got more carries.

Santonio Holmes - He's Sanchez's 'oh shit' receiver at this point. As in 'oh shit I gotta get rid of the ball in a hurry, who do I trust to go and get it?' Always nice to have a guy like that on the roster.

Um... - I dunno, Nick Folk made his only field goal that wasn't a complete waste of an attempt from outside 50 in swirling wind. That was nice to see.

What Didn't

FACT: Tom Brady endorses UGGs.

Pass Defense - Revis was completely taken out of the game. Whichever side of the field he was on, Brady went the other way. Which means Cromartie, the nickel backs and the safeties had to pick up the slack. They didn't. There are serious issues matching up against tight-ends with receiving skills. They're too fast for our linebackers and too big for our d-backs.

Rushing the QB - The strategy seemed to be 'stack the A gap' and push the center into Brady. It didn't work in the 1st. So we kept trying it. Then we tried it some more. And it never worked. When we had success it was from the few times we blitzed form outside, but even then, we couldn't get to Brady quick enough to keep him from shredding us like an expired debit card.

Offensive Strategy - Gave up on the run too early. It was the only thing working and could have been used to keep the ball out of Brady's hands while chipping away at the early deficit. Offensive Coordinator Brian Shottenheimer has to find a way to help out the defense in games like this, (points would help) and having Sanchez throw the ball constantly isn't the way to do it.

Mark Sanchez - Looked real bad after taking that shot to the head and was asked to do too much the entire game. Sanchez has the stuff to keep it close and mount a comeback or two versus middling to bad teams, but against teams like the Patriots he'll need to make smarter decisions. Has got to find a way to finish drives and put points on the board. He's got enough weapons to bury teams, Mark just has to find the open guy on every play and sometimes has a tough time doing so.

What Grinds My Gears

Head Coaching in the 1st Quarter - Cost us the game. The wasted challenge (Which actually wasn't a waste. The officials missed Sanchez's knee not hitting the ground on that sneak, even on the slo-mo replay. But if your plan was to go for it on 4th and 1 anyway, WHY NOT JUST GO FOR IT!?!) Then attempted a 53 yard field goal with a shaky kicker in horrendous wind which put Brady and Co. 50 yards from our endzone that they then proceeded to attack without mercy.

The Defense Without Jim Leonard - I didn't want to admit before the game that the undersized safety would be a huge loss to the defense. But he was the captain out there and managed the defensive matchups on the field. He's gone for the year. Someone has to step up (looking at you Bart Scott) or we are in trouble.

Eric Smith - Leonard's replacement and responsible for the ugliest pass interference penalty I've seen all year. He got beat by one of those Patriot tight ends, had no idea where the ball was and sort of half tackled, half ran into the guy. Yeah he can hit. But he is a lia-freakin'-bility in coverage.

Antonio Cromartie - Missed about a dozen tackles out there. Finally turned in the type of performance all the pre-season naysayers were warning he might.

Braylon Edwards - I had to stop counting his drops or I was going to break something. Had been pretty dependable lately, let's hope Monday's regression was temporary.

There's really only one way to react to a loss like this. Ok, maybe two. But the first one would be to go out and murder the Dolphins with the quiet efficiency of a Japanese fisherman. The next 3 opponents are tough ones, and the Jets can either make a statement or roll the dice on backing into the playoffs for the second straight season.

Lucky and Good

2010-11-22T13:44:00.000-08:00

It was another unnecessarily up and down, emotional tilt-a-whirl of a game for the Jets against Houston yesterday afternoon. For the second time in as many weeks, Sanchez and Santonio connected for a some last minute heroics in front of a half-full (really Jersey?) home crowd in the New Meadowlands.

There was good, bad and lots of ugly in yesterday's win, the 8th for the Jets this season.

The Good

Sanchez - I take it back. Mark Sanchez is a good quarterback. In recent weeks he's shown an ability to elude sacks and get the ball downfield. Even better, he's seems to have developed a flair for the dramatic. The Jets haven't had an ice-cold, nerves of steel, cardiac comeback quarterback since... well, ever.

Receivers - Braylon's 1 drop wasn't his fault. (How many times do you get to say that?) And Santonio looks like the team's best off-season acquisition even with the 4-game suspension. LT still looks good on the catch and run. Dustin Keller is very capable despite being quiet lately. And Cotchery should be back in time for the Patriots. Apparently we're a passing team now.

Mike DeVito - Makes it real tough to miss Kris Jenkins when DeVito plays like he did yesterday. Did a great job of stuffing the middle and forced a fumble.

Random people running onto the field - Haven't seen a good one since baseball season. Liked the fact that Rex seemed to get a kick out of it. Liked the fact that Dan Dierdorf seemed to take it personally.

The Bad

The Running Game - Houston chose to stack the line and make Sanchez beat them. Questionable strategy seeing as their pass defense is worst in the league. Sanchez beat'em, but the Texans completely took away our running attack. Shonn Greene's fumble nearly started the chain of events that lost us the game.

Run Defense - I know Arian Foster is somehow the best back in the league now, but the Jets have to do a better job stopping the run. Jets gave up too much yardage on the outside runs and if Foster didn't slowdown in complete surprise that no one had yet tacked him on a sideline run, he had a shot at paydirt.

Offesive Playcalling - Houston's defensive backs were completely outmatched. Our running backs couldn't get anything started. Yet there were were in the fourth, watching the lead get whittled away and pounding the ball up the middle. I understand the need to control the ball, but at some point you gotta go with what's working and ditch what isn't.

The Ugly

The Team - Four for your last give is always a good thing. Even if those four opponents are a combined 12-27. Schedule coming up is Bengals on short rest, Pats, Fins, Steelers, Bears. Gut check time, fellas.

Damien Woody's knee - Not supposed to bend that way. Early chatter is he may have dodged a bullet and could be out just a couple of weeks.

The Offensive Line Without Damien Woody - Matt 'Ole' Slauson at left guard is enough of a hole. Now our whole left flank is exposed. I know Wayne Hunter was up against Mario Williams, but maybe he could try and slow him down next time?

Defensive Backs - It's a good ugly, but ugly nonetheless. CRO and Revis made some great plays and covered well for almost the entire night. CRO had a brainfart in coverage that led to a touchdown and Revis had one that would have gone for another had the receiver not dropped the ball. Also, are safeties are borderline bad.

The Crowd - Overhead shot of the stadium as the Jets celebrated their last minute victory was pathetic. I'm sure traffic is terrible but all you spray-tanned goombahs are now aware that 45 seconds is plenty of time for Gang Green to mount a comeback.

If I may channel some Herm... YOU STAY UNTIL THEY WIN OR LOSE THE GAME!

I'd feel much better if I saw the Jets take a game wire to wire. Given the quality of opponents we've beaten lately there should be much less drama involved. I'm also concerned to see our offense continually bail out the defense. It was supposed to be the other way around.

The Jets have one more game against a 'should win' before they start playing some 'must wins' again. The 8-2 record indicates the Jets should be fighting for homefield in the playoffs. The play indicates they have a lot to work on if the team wants to get there and have any sort of impact.

Steve Smith Owners Anonymous

2010-11-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

There is no greater frustration for a fantasy football manager than owning an extremely talented player on a terrible team. And no player's talent has been wasted this year like that of Carolina Panthers Wideout, Steve Smith. Receivers are particularly susceptible to the ineptitude of their teammates, as nearly all their opportunities to touch the ball depend on 1) the O-line's ability to block and 2) the QB's ability to throw the ball.

So just how bad are Steve Smith's teammates? 27 sacks allowed over 9 games (good for second from the bottom in the league) and the only QB on the team with a rating over 60 is the guy who has thrown a whopping 12 passes. The 3 guys who have gone under Center for Carolina this year have amassed 6 touchdowns, 14 interceptions and a 51.9% completion percentage. The Panthers' normally dependable running game (two 1,000 yard rushers in 2009) has gone bust, which has resulted in Smith having to deal with double coverage on pretty much every play.

No Steve, this is not a bad dream.

So without further ado, let's meet the screendoors on Steve Smith's (not to mention my fantasy team's) submarine. The 2010 Carolina Panthers Quarterbacks.

Matt Moore - Filling in admirably for Jake Delhomme last year, Moore came in, completed 60% of his passes and did a hell of a job fooling the Carolina front office into thinking he was a first string NFL QB. Opening 2010, Matt Moore suddenly remembered he was Matt Moore and promptly threw two picks for every TD before injuring his right shoulder (on purpose I assume) and mercifully being placed on IR.

Jimmy Clausen - This is Jimmy Clausen.

Jimmy Clausen is a grown man who still goes by 'Jimmy' and does incredibly annoying things like park his H3 diagonally, hang out with Jersey Shore types and blow cigar smoke directly in the faces of newborn babies. He also enjoys completing less than 50% of his passes and getting concussed.

Tony Pike - Tony Pike is a rookie out of Cincinnati who came in for a few plays two weeks ago, went 6 for 12 for 47 yards threw no picks and got sacked once. Despite having no future in the NFL, his career will certainly be more successful than that of Jimmy Clausen, who collects his ex-girflriend's toenail clippings.

Brian St. Pierre - Brian St. Pierre is a 30 year old vet in his 8th season who has thrown 5 passes. Not 5 passes this year. Five passes in his entire 8 year career. St. Pierre was signed after last week's loss to Tampa Bay when Panther's head coach, John Fox decided to run a QB sneak at the end of regulation, reportedly saying "Fuck it, what's the worst that could happen? It's not like that little towel snapper Clausen is going to get concussed and force us to sign some asshole like... I dunno, like... Brian St. Pierre."

Brian St. Pierre will reportedly make his first start for the Panthers this Sunday against the Baltimore Ravens.

The tidal wave of flaccid incompetence at the quarterback position in Carolina has left Smith on pace for his least productive season since 2004, when he suffered some serious leg breakage in the first game of the season.

With nobody to throw to him and nobody else on the Panthers' offense worth paying attention to, Smith is effectively taken away every game, by every team. Carolina has even had him return some punts, just to get the ball in his hands somehow. 2010 for Steve Smith is truely lost. And perhaps most unfortunately, my fantasy team has suffered.

But Smith has found other ways to get his jollies this season. Namely, throwing soul-shattering, crazy person blocks on unsuspecting defense backs.

"WHO IS BRIAN ST. PIERRE!!! TELL ME GODDAMN YOU!!!"

Sorry Steve. Better luck next year.

Drastic (Awesome) Changes to Be Made to NHL All-Star Selection Process

2010-11-10T13:14:00.000-08:00

The rosters for this year's NHL All-Star game (live from the hockey capital of the world, Raleigh, NC!!!) will be selected fantasy draft style by 2 competing starting line-ups chosen by the fans.

My only question is... how in the hell did the NHL come up with this first? If this is the sole brainchild of Gary Bettman, I will eat a friggin' hockey puck. What an incredibly awesome idea.

So essentially, fans will vote for a starting line-up, 1 goalie, 2 d-men and 3 forwards. These 6 guys will then fill out the rest of the squad from a pool of 54 guys chosen by the league. This thing needs to get televised. The entire thing. It'd be so much more interesting than the NFL entry draft.

For one thing we wouldn't have to endure the dreaded 'Kiperface'

Not because it will make the game more interesting, of course. Because it won't. No matter how the squads are picked, guys will be rightly half-assing it so they don't get injured during a meaningless exhibition game.

You know what will be interesting? 54 players gathered in a small auditorium, all trying to pretend they don't care about getting picked last. I want teammates of the captains sweating it out as the seats around them vacate, wondering why they're being hung out to dry. I want close-ups of Patrick Kane in the 21st round, still seated, face knotted with rage as Johnny Toews calls out yet another name that isn't his. I want to hear Alexander Ovechkin pronounce his picks in English for 2 hours.

I want personal prejudices and grudges aired out for all to see as consensus first or second rounders fall to the lower rounds because until now, only the players really know what assholes they are in the locker-room. Remember, the game doesn't matter. This will be a pure popularity contest amongst the players. It'll essentially be the Bachelorette, except I won't be wishing I could trade places with a Bush-era Guantanamo detainee the entire time.

Extremely outdated political reference? Check.

Over the years, as contacts have gotten larger and players have increasingly more to lose; all-star games in each of the major sports have become nearly unwatchable. The biggest stars don't even show up, aging fan-favorites are voted in and deserving players in small markets are routinely snubbed.

But league execs are never able to bring themselves to cut the fans out of the selection process. With all-star game TV ratings falling, why would they sever the final fan connection and risk killing these games completely?

Enter the NHL... apparently. As attempting to increase the watchability of the game itself is pretty much impossible, I'm hoping that with this decision the league has decided to try and shift the fan focus. Do we want to watch these guys skate past defenders who wouldn't hit the ice to block a shot if you paid them 5K per, shooting on goalies who are only thinking about not pulling a groin for the 20 minutes they're each forced to play? Of course not.

Do we want to watch modern-day gladiators dressed in designer suits wrestle with their egos as their peers, their friends and enemies judge their worth? Absolutely.

James Harrison Contemplates Retirement After Hit, Fine

2010-10-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison, who was fined $75,000 by the NFL for turning the inside of Mohamed Massaquoi's head into potato salad over the weekend, claimed on Tuesday he may consider retirement.

Mmmm, with bacon bits.

"I don't know what came over me," stated Harrison. "I left my feet and aimed the crown of my helmet at Mohamed's earhole. That can't even be considered a legitimate tackle attempt on my part. That was a textbook helmet to helmet spear and I know it. I could have made a legal tackle, led with my shoulder, stayed on my feet, hit him below the neck and still would have laid a pretty good hurt on him. Despite not being flagged by the NFL's gutless officials, I accept this fine, humbly apologize to Mohamed and will do a bit of soul searching this week as I prepare for Miami on Sunday."

Wait. No, that's not right at all.

What Harrison actually said was "I'm going to sit down and have a serious conversation with my coach tomorrow and see if I can actually play by NFL rules and still be effective."

Wow. Let me save you some time Jimmy. According to NFL rules using your helmet to 'butt, spear or ram an opponent', using the top of your helmet 'unnecessarily' and 'leaping' are all illegal. And we haven't even gotten to 'unecessary roughness' yet.

If you cannot play by those rules then I agree, perhaps you should retire.

"I don't feel I can continue to play and be effective and, like I say, not have to worry about injuring someone else or risking injury to myself." Harrison added.

I'm really curious as to when using the top of one's helmet to try and shatter receivers' mandibles became the only way to play 'effective' defense in the NFL. The league got lucky last Sunday. That many atrocious hits and no serious injuries. If Goodell's smart he'll use it as leverage to try and get teams to re-teach basic tackling and have referees crack down on hits like this in-game with penalty flags and ejections.

The alternative would be to continue to let the gladiators police the arena; the same warriors who continue to get bigger, stronger and faster. The impacts will continue to grow more forceful until the inevitable happens. The NFL can wait for that day or mandate a change in culture now.

Dear Roy Halladay,

2010-10-07T07:10:00.000-07:00

Congratulations on throwing the second post season 'no-no' in baseball history. Hell of an accomplishment no matter the stage, but you certainly deserve it. Classy guy, a decade trapped in Toronto, first playoff appearance and man you nailed it. It way to go. You dick.

In all honesty, was all that really necessary? You couldn't let us get one measly run? Not even a hit? I guess we're supposed to be appreciative of that Jay Bruce walk. But to be straight up with you Roy... we're not.

We were just thrilled to be in the playoffs, Roy. For christ's sake, it'd been 15 goddamn years. Do you have any idea how depressing Cincinnati Ohio is without you utterly dominating us just because you can? We feel like Carrie, after the bucket of blood, but minus the homicidal telepathy powers necessary to get back at you and yours. Just standing there, covered in blood, everybody laughing at us. Completely unable to do anything but stare at our shoes and wonder why everyone seems to take such delight in our misery.

Thank you Roy, for pantsing us in front of the entire nation last night and initiating what will most likely be a soul crushing 3 game sweep. Despite our leading the NL in hits during the regular season, we couldn't manage to get a single one off you last night. That is because you're a great pitcher. And a total asshole.

Sincerely,

~ The Cincinnati Reds

Randy Moss Shipped Out of the AFC East! Hooray!

2010-10-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

…Except that the Minnesota Vikings (our opponent on MNF) are the one's who gave up a 3rd rounder for him. Ugh. Just when I thought he was out, he gets pulled back in!

Makes sense for the Vikes. Running back Adrian Peterson leads the team in receptions. Sidney Rice is out till who knows when. Percy Harvin's head perpetually hurts and Bernard Berrian has managed 5 receptions on the year. Signing Moss give the Vikes a legit one/two combo complimented by a rather large and handy-capable tight end whose name I will attempt to spell from memory now.

Ready? V-i-s-h-a-n-t-h-e S-h-i-n-c-o-e. How'd I do?

Answer: Visanthe Shiancoe. Extra letter in the first, missing letter in the last. I'm ruling that as one letter off and pretty respectable if I do say so myself.

So Jets fans are obviously beside themselves. Moss is seven feet tall and all he does in run out routes. So scary! Sure, Revis is back, but that bum wheel of his probably isn't 100% yet and even so, Moss could probably eat a bowl of cereal off the top his head. I’m always more comfortable when the height mismatch is taken away.

And we have the manpower to do that. Cromartie did a great job on Moss in the second half of the week 2 matchup. But CRO has a habit of falling down randomly when in pursuit and matching him up in single coverage against Moss is risky at best.

Here's what we do: Make sure Kyle Wilson takes whatever wideout doesn't have Moss or Harvin on the back of their jersey. Mix up the matchups. Move Revis and Cromartie around, make them guess who is getting doubled and who is getting safety help. Staple-gun our best coverage linebacker on Shiancoe, because I do not want to see Jim Leonard bouncing off him all night.

Above: The results of Jim Leonard covering a tight end.

No reason to panic people The Vikings have the 24th best passing attack in the league. Moss certainly helps. But there is a playbook to learn and a quarterback with whom he'll have to try and establish a quick rapport. Though something tells me those two well-documented douches will get along just fine. On the field anyway.

I think that for this first week, Moss may simply be a deep-ball threat and a distraction from trying to shut down the run. Keep Moss in front of you and watch for the run. Because, um... oh yeah, friggin' APete is still the Vikings running back and he's pretty good. That will be where the bulk of the offense comes from on Monday and the Jets would do themselves a great disservice to forget it.

Brett Favre and The Lost Season of 2008

2010-10-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

The 2008 NFL season was more painful for Jets fans than the 1990's were for the Japanese economy. It was scripted to play out in equal parts grand adventure, spiritual redemption, torch passing and long awaited/deserved rise to glory. What actually occurred was a cruel dashing of hope due to our own greed, hubris and fundamental lack of self-awareness. In many ways it was truly our lost season.

The blame lies squarely on the shoulders of two men: Coach Eric Mangini and Quarterback Brett Favre. (GM Mike Tennanbaum gets a pass for recovering and putting the current squad together. But as the present transforms into history, I reserve the right to throw his name the misery pyre.)

'The Mangenius' as he was prematurely dubbed by Jets fans, posted a 10 win season in his first with the Jets in '06. But the fall from grace was quick and painful. 'The Penguin' (the much better nickname given to him by Lavernanues Coles based on his gait and temperament), led the team to an embarrassing 4-12 record in '07. In his third year with the Jets, the promising Belichick understudy was already coaching for his job and became known amongst Jets fans and detractors alike as "The Mangina."

That's right Elmo! 4 wins! 1 - 2 - 3 - 4!!! Counting makes me sad!

Coming off a 4-12 season, 'optimism' would not be a word one would normally associate with your typical Jets fan. In fact, we weren't optimistic. We were downright giddy.  Because over the offseason, something magical happened. Something so mysterious and wonderful that as Jets fans we should have known it was too good to be true and instead ran the other way screaming. But we didn't. And neither did Mangini.

In March of '08 Favre retired. Green Bay named Aaron Rodgers its QB of the future. Then Favre decided to unretire. Green Bay was all "Dude... really?" Farve asked for unconditional release. Green Bay went "Brett, you're a dick." Farve responded "Yeah, I know. But you love it". Green Bay finally relented, trading him to the Jets for a 4th rounder.

While the sports world rightly bashed Farve for being a wishy-washy, traitorous, backstabbing, flip-flopping, grandstanding douche, Jets fans turned a blind eye. Things like this just didn't happen to us. When we landed hall-of-famers in free agency they were always at the point in the career where their skills had deteriorated to the point that they were borderline backups (Art Monk, Ronnie Lott). Favre had gas in the tank.

On a personal note, I was absolutely beside myself when this happened. For a moment, my stodgy 'the Jets are and will always be terrible and that's why I love them' facade crumbled. We traded for a guy who held every single passing record of note.  Favre just came off a season where he finished as runner-up for the NFC MVP and got his squad one throw shy of the Super Bowl. Washed up? He wasn't even close to being done. He still had one or two good seasons of gun-slinging in him. 4th round pick for the baddest rocket-armed gray-bush in the league? Absolutely.

Along with newly acquired free-agents Alan Faneca, Damien Woody and Calvin Pace, the entire team had a rejuvenated feel thanks to a mix of hungry kids and steeley vets. We had a running game, we had an O-line, we had a defense. The Jets became a trendy preseason Super Bowl pick. Again we ignored the signs. Run away. Run the other way.

The early results were promising. Favre's debut with the Jets at Miami had one of those completely ridiculous Brett Favre moments where he's about to get hit and he just closes his eyes and chucks it at the endzone; it was a Tecmo Bowl moment where the ball disappeared from view of the cameras because it was thrown so ridiculously high. It probably went higher than it did farther.  But like an answered prayer it dropped into the waiting arms of Chansi Stuckey for Favre's second of the game.

By week 12, Favre and the Jets were 8-3, punctuated by an overtime escape in Foxboro and the impressive dismantling of the to-that-point undefeated Titans on the road. I remember watching the Tennessee game in its entirety and thinking to myself, 'This is the team. This is the team that ends my misery.'

The signs. Screaming. The other way. Run.

So the Jets end up dropping 4 of their last 5 including a week 17 dud at home against the 'Fins. I forget if it was 'win and in' scenario or whether we needed help. But I do remember Leon Washington breaking a 50 yard TD run in the 3rd only to look completely and utter impotent on both sides of the ball from there on out. We lost by 7. The magical season at that point felt like one of those high school nights where you're drinking for one of the first half dozen times ever and decide to take it too far. This is great! I am a complete and utter badass! Eff you world, I am the man! Too stupid to know exactly what you're doing to yourself, too blind on hormones and Jack Daniels to care. When morning arrives you're covered in a thin blanket of shame. And your own vomit. Shame blanket and vomit.

Like this. But with vomit.

After taking an obscene amount of delight in our week one dick-tripping against the Ravens, the critics have swung right back around. The Jets are again the rowdy, smashmouth team with swagger and a sexy pick to go all the way. They certainly look like it. But there is still 75% of a season left to play.

For all the hype and success of the last two years, Jets fans are still wary. Rex Ryan was wildly successful his first year and is different than any coach we've ever had before; a bombastic player's coach that attracts praise and criticism simultaneously and in equal parts. But this new still feels uncomfortably familiar. Sort of like the time we grabbed a first ballot hall of famer in a misguided attempt to save our coach's job and turn us into instant contenders.

Farve coming into town on Monday gives us an opportunity to put some ghosts to rest and add another quality win to our record. I want Brett Favre beaten within an inch of his miserable life and run out of town wishing he didn't come back for another year (though apparently that's already the case). I want to make Adrian Peterson look like Adrian Peterson. And I want each and every husky, blonde, annoyingly-polite, Prince fan in that state to think twice before they send their gentle, purple nancy's back to Jersey.

And Fran is a fat girl's name.

Photos From the Ryder Cup

2010-10-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

You've probably seen the crazy photo from the Ryder Cup. I have to admit, it's great that a photog was able to capture Tiger Woods post swing where he wasn't cursing, throwing a club or pumping his fist like a madman.

The photoshoppers have immediately gotten to work on it. My hands down favorite below.

Awesome.

Quick Jets Update

2010-10-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

LaDanian Tomlinson is old, washed up and will be stuck behind Shonn Greene on the Jets depth chart for the entire year.

LT is averaging 5.6 per carry and is getting the bulk of the touches,
not to mention nearly all short yardage downs.

The Jets defense will be in shambles without Revis, Jenkins and Pace.

The Jets defense leads the NFL in takeaways and is seventh in points per game.

Braylon Edwards is a terrible person and should never play another football game. Jets management was never serious about reprimanding him.

Ray Lewis was once indicted for double murder.

Mark Sanchez is not a good quarterback.

Or maybe...

ohmygodohmygodohmygod

2010-09-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

Angrily sarcastic sporting news site Deadspin.com (approve me for commenting already, ya jerks) is having its second annual, one-day only, FireJoeMorgan.com reunion party! Ken Tremendous! DAK! Junior! Oh my! Sorry work. See you tomorrow.

For those not in the know, the now defunct FJM.com was simply the best non-pornographic website ever. Throughout the day, the FJM boys will be identifying poor sports journalism from around the nation, setting it on fire and pissing on the ashes. But not before the fire dies on its own of course. You wouldn't want to piss on bad sports journalism and potentially do it a favor by putting the fire out with your piss before its been sufficiently incincerated by the fire.

First up? ESPN's Jim Caple's hatred of nerds who use math and his unwavering support of Derek Jeter's ability to cross home plate.

Braylon Edwards Won't Let Me Enjoy Anything

2010-09-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

A mere two days after catching a touchdown and a 2-point conversion in a must-win over the Patriots, Braylon Edwards has again thrown any respect I try and muster for him right in my stupid face. Coupled with the recent 'punched some dude LeBron knows' kerfuffle, I'm hoping the league doesn't decide he needs to miss a game or two.

In this photo-metaphor, Braylon is the ball and I am Braylon.

Really Braylon, 0.16 on a school night?

On a side note, while google-imaging 'Braylon Edwards beard' I found this gem.

Braylon. Send me this on a t-shirt and we're cool again.

Buffalo Tailgate Tradition Shut Down, Tradition of Losing to Continue

2010-09-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently there's this guy in Buffalo by the name of Ken Johnson that had developed a bit of a tailgate tradition in support of his beloved Bills. Over the last 21 years, Ken has cooked assorted meats on the hood of his 1980 Ford Pinto station wagon, which he converted into a grill.

But automobile-top cooking isn't all folks, Ken also brings his bowling ball, and invites friends and passers-by to use it like so:

The gentleman pictured above is taking a shot out of the ball's thumbhole, not kissing it for good luck before hurling it at some vehicle clad in visiting team paraphernalia.

Sadly, these weekly gatherings of obese, greasy-palmed, rosacea-scarred Buffalonians have come to an end thanks to Roger Goodell's tireless mission to squeeze every ounce of fun from the NFL. Johnson was reportedly interviewed by a member of the Commssioner's office of Strategic Security Programs, which besides sounding like a department of the DOD, reported several infractions of unwritten rules including overcrowding, noise, potential violation of local alcohol laws and causing the occasional family to walk past with a look of sanctimonious annoyance on their faces.

Johnson, in an attempt to keep the tradition alive offered to ditch the bowling-ball shots. But even the New York state liquor authority are unsure as to whether any laws are being broken. Johnson reportedly checks IDs and refuses to accept tips for the bowling ball shots.

Eventually, he promised to take his Pinto to an off-stadium lot, sparing thousands of gentler souls the risk of being within earshot of a four-letter word.

I understand and support the desire to crack down on drunken idiots. Nobody, regardless of what colors they're wearing or where their seats are located should ever feel threatened or intimidated at a sporting event. But the ongoing effort to sterilize parking lots and in-stadium crowds is unfair and I would argue, a bad business decision.

This is essentially the equilvent of summoning a theatre employee because someone is eating popcorn too loudly. You're at the theatre. A place where people traditionally consume popcorn. If such a thing annoys you so much, open a Netflix account and invest in some surround sound.

The NFL and teams that support turning parking lots and stadiums into mini-police states are also punishing their most loyal customers for buying their product. Die-hards like Johnson are not only the fans that buy season tickets and jerseys, but they create other fans that buy season tickets and jerseys. Once you've eaten Polish sausage at a Bills game off the hood of a Pinto, why would you ever use your stove again?

The families and sky-boxers aren't going to bear with you through the tough times. Entertainment starved Buffalo may not be the best example, but blacked out San Diego may be, or Oakland. It almost happened to Detroit in week 1 and Jacksonville took a blackout beating last year. Ticket prices are ridiculous, the unemployment rate is sky high, teams can't get enough people to the stadium so that games can be shown on local tv and the league is worried about a bunch of people drinking out of a bowling ball?

If the NFL believes itself to be immune the to attendence issues of the other big three sporting leagues, they are sadly mistaken. Plus there are other fans that need to be cracked down upon.

Like this moron.

Hurry Before 'Sainz' Goes The Way of 'Mexico'

2010-09-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

As of 10pm tonight this potential jersey is still available on the NFL.com shop. Just saying.

Can We Just Play Defense the Entire Time?

2010-09-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

Mark Sanchez is not a great quarterback. Mark Sanchez isn't even a good quarterback. But when your playcalling is designed to keep from making mistakes, you don't give yourself the opportunity to make plays.

My gut reaction on this one is that coaches don't trust Sanchez. I can't say I blame them. But to handcuff your passing game with overly conservative playcalling to the extent that the Jets did tonight... it affects the running game, it affects field position and it let's your young quarterback know that his coaches have absolutely zero confidence in his abilities.

To continue on the coaching... 100 yards of penalties in the first half. I'd say half of that was the result of overly aggressive coaching. Braylon Edwards running into the kicker on an attempted FG block, young corners manning up on 8 man blitzes and having to hang onto the jersey's of veteran receivers to keep from getting burned. To the extent that the Jets D completely obliterated the running game, maybe we could have put an extra man or two in coverage on 3rd down once in a while.

I can't believe I left a night school class early for that cowardly dog of a game.

Some thoughts on individual performances....

Antonio Cromartie is an extremely talented but extremely lazy corner. He has the uncanny ability to look dominant on one play and hopelessly feeble the next.

Kyle Wilson looks like a rookie. Teams aren't going to throw at Revis. They're going to throw at you. Get ready.

Shonn Greene was a huge disappointment. Negated Cromartie's interception with a fumble in Ravens territory. That simply can't happen. If LT has a pulse at all this season, you're looking at the Jets' backup halfback.

I love Jim Leonard. But putting him on Todd Heap is an automatic first down.

Kinda like this one.

I sincerely apologize to Shaun Ellis for ignoring him during the John Abraham years. With all the talking the Jets have done over the last year, it's nice to have an underrated player to cheer for.

The only time a positive noise came out of my face all game. Thank you Shaun.

Nick Folk. I prefer my kickoffs to reach the endzone at least 50% of the time.

Kris Jenkins. You will be missed. But DeVito did a great job last year and I trust that he'll do it again.

Sanchez... dude you gotta chuck it now and again. I know you have a mediocre at best arm and your attempted bombs look like something out of Steve Grogan's arsenal from the original Tecmo Bowl. But if you insist on checking down before the ball is snapped all season promise I'll find better things to do on Sunday. I've got Mad Men Season 1 on DVD loaded up and ready to go. Just let me know.

44 Offensive plays. 60 Passing yards. 6 First downs. 3 Beers. 3 Marlboros. Tonight was hazardous to my health.

When you hold an elite team like the Ravens to 10 points, there is simply no reason to lose. The fact that our offense could not sniff paydirt all game and put together a downright sad two-minute drill means that our chances appear to be, yet again, on the back of our defense. At this point I'll take 20 interceptions out of the Sanchize. I just want to see us take some chances on offense because LT and Greene are going to get pretty tired of running into 8 in the box over the next 15 games.

What's that? Patriots next week. Super. Can't wait.

Week 1 - Same As It Never Was

2010-09-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

To hell with all the Hard Knock nonsense. To hell with Rex's talk of a Super Bowl. I can't get on board with the bravado. I love the confidence for the guys on the team, but for we mere mortals on the sidelines nervously guzzling our Guinnesses in local bars or in front of our flat screens at home, this season is shaping up to be 1) The single greatest season of all time or 2) the biggest disappointment in Jets' history. And given that history, that would be a hell of an accomplishment in and of itself.

I understand that we're talented. The defense is pretty much the same with an upgrade at corner. The offense has been retooled a bit, a bit of a minus on the line, a big plus for scoring threats, especially after week 4 when Santonio Holmes comes off his 4-game suspension.

But I don't see any reason why we should go ahead an pencil ourselves into a playoff spot before our first match-up against the Ravens on Monday night.

The most glaring weakness on our squad is at the most important position on the field. I cannot find a link to that scene from Hard Knocks episode 2 where Sanchez and offensive coordinator Brian Shottenheimer have a heart to heart about how it's Sanchez' team and that he needs to step up and be the man, but it is the exact opposite of confidence inspiring. Our #1 QB can't even look Shotty in the eye, bites his nails and stammers some non-committal affirmatives during what HBO does its best to convince us is a pivotal moment in the young athlete's career.

I see lots of great things here. None of them however are reasons to believe Sanchez is leading us to a Super Bowl.

This is a kid who went 12 TDs and 20 INTs last year. Improvement would be to average a pick and a score each game. Hardly gaudy, yet that's what we're left wishing for as Jets fans out of our field general.

I really want to believe, but the fact of the matter is that all the detractors, all the haters and everyone that is sick and understandably tired of hearing all this Jets hype is 100% correct. We didn't win anything last year. We haven't played a snap this year and there are obvious holes in our game. Quarterback. Depth at running back and linebacker. Filling the hole left by he who shall not be named at safety.

We are good. But we are beatable.

It'll be up to Rex and the squad to put up when everyone in the country is wishing we'd just shut-up. Gang Green has the talent to do it. But 25 years of futility tells me this isn't the year I get to streak down the street bottomless in a well aged Wayne Chrebet jersey.

So tomorrow night we play the Baltimore Ravens, their old defense and their new offense. In my brain I see the difference between Flacco and Sanchez being the difference-maker in this one. But because I have to buy into this strange, new-found New York Jet confidence of ours, I'll go with my heart and predict a plethora of place-kicking... 12-9, J-E-T-S over the Ravens.

In the meantime here's linebacker Bart Scott ripping bust-in-the-making, third string running back Joe McKnight a new one. I watched this off the DVR after coming home from night school and laughed so hard that I woke a girlfriend and two cats up on a Wednesday night.

"...and relief washes over me in an awesome wave."

2010-09-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

Sunday night, the Jets signed Revis to a 4 year, $46 million dollar offer including over $30 million in guaranteed money.

Can't wait to do it again in 2014.

I Would Like To Make A Request

2010-08-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

Can we all agree, as sports fans, to never hype anybody ever again? At least not to the completely ridiculous degree we did to a 22 year old kid with horrible mechanics? Let's crown our superstars the old fashioned way. Let's make them earn it via hard work, proven success and a bit of luck.

Six months ago this kid was pre-ordained best pitcher of all time. Now his arm has fallen off and will likely require surgery that will take a lot of horsepower out of his fastball.

I also want to take this moment to say 'I told you so' to every person I've had a conversation with about Mr. Strasburg since I saw him pitch. That arm action made him a ticking injury time-bomb.

But none of this is Strasburg's fault. Unless he fulfilled all wildest expectations, he would have been considered a disappointment. The media hyped him as the next Nolan Ryan before the draft, because of his ridiculous last season of college. The Nationals, a franchise that is struggling for wins and ticket sales, rushed him up to the bigs and marketed him as the franchise savior because they felt they had to. And every single one of us accepted this and said 'ok Steve, prove us right'.

With almost no track record of professional success we expected the world of this kid. Now his career has suffered a serious blow that will take him out of action for a calendar year and puts a serious damper on expectations going forward. But that's ok. Because by this time next week, most of us will already have forgotten about him. Remember Jordan Zimmermann? Didn't think so.

Illogical Overreactions to Games That Don't Matter

2010-08-17T13:38:00.000-07:00

Preseason NFL football. You don't care and neither do I. But let's not let a little apathy keep us from wringing our hands in sweaty fear over how bad some guy named Victor Cruz made Dwight Lowery look, or the fact that Nick Folk missed his only FG attempt longer than 40 yards and went 18-28 in attempts last season before getting unceremoniously canned by the 'Boys.

Let's instead concentrate on the tag-team face mashing unleashed by Calvin Pace and Jim Leonard.

Excellent. I feel better already.

Why is it so difficult to take Eli Manning seriously? I'm not really sure but I suspect that whatever it is also has something to do with the fact that his misfortune is just naturally amusing. There's the built-in second banana factor thanks to big bro, Peyton. His physical appearance doesn't particularly exude 'professional athlete'. He looks more like 'that tall, awkward, doughy kid on the little league team who will grow up to be huge but for now is just, well, tall, awkward and doughy'. (Except Eli is 29 years old) He's never mustered a facial expression that escaped the confines of 'aw shucks' and 'heck, that was mildly, pretty ok'.

Um... I guess this hurts. Sorta.

WHAT I AM GETTING AT HERE IS THAT ELI MANNING, QUARTERBACK FOR THE NEW YORK GIANTS, COMES OFF AS BEING A LITTLE SLOW.

Got you again Eli,
you likeable bastard.

Ok. Enough worrying about the first preseason game and teasing championship quarterbacks that would have given DiCaprio a run for his money in the casting call for What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

Let's instead focus on the positive. Sanchize completion percentage was great and his only pick was the result of a ball knocked out of the receiver's hands. Santonio Holmes looks motivated and maybe even like he's having a little fun. I cannot wait for week 5. If I'm on your Christmas list, I'll drop a not so little hint... Jets jersey, 'Conner' #38. Rex loves him. Good enough for me. Hell, John Conner comes with an awesome built in nickname which aptly describes his penchant for throwing devestating blocks. Clear a spot for the kid on the special teams already.

That's enough. Can't waste any more precious company time or personal emotions on the first preseason game. Looking forward to the rest of the season.

And You May Tell Yourself, This Is Not My Beautiful Team!

2010-08-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

Remember when we as Jets fans were patting ourselves on the back for a season well done after playing the Colts hard for almost two whole quarters in last year's AFC Championship game, smiling at our seemingly bright future with a raw but talented rookie quarterback and an all-world defense anchored by the greatest cornerback to ever step foot on the gridiron? Remember when we spent like crazy over the off-season to bring in the talented role players and second stringers that gave us unbelievable depth? Remember when the Jets were doing everything necessary and right to be pre-season Super Bowl front runners?

Yeah, me neither.

Darrelle Revis and his lack of a contract extension that would make him the richest man in the world has been at the front of my mind for forever at this point. But when did all that was right with my kelly green world come tumbling down? Who installed the screen door on my submarine? And just who the hell told Woody Johnson it was ok to shatter his amiable reputation as a 'seen but not heard' owner by informing ESPN that Revis wouldn't be playing this year!?!

And was anyone else aware that the team is owned by a goddamn hipster?

The whole situation has been weighing very heavy on my thoughts. To try and put them in some sort of order, I've decided to construct a timeline of the events that may provide some sort of explanation as to how we arrived at this awful, awful crossroads.

February 2010 - After a tumultuous season, the Jets shock the league by making it to the AFC Championship game on the back of Rex Ryan's energetic coaching style, a punishing rush attack and a straight-jacket defense. Darelle Revis stands out as the playmaker on D. More than a few professional sports journalism types, along with coach Ryan agree Revis deserved better than runner-up in the voting for Defensive Player of the Year Award.

Darrelle, you are my everything.

April 12, 2010 - Darrelle seems siked for the season, tweets his excitement about the Jets signing Jason Taylor and Santonio Holmes. Seems like he's itching to get on the field and start winning games.

May 2010 - We all knew this was coming. Darrelle makes it known he would like to sign a contract extension with the Jets. So does Mangold, David Harris and D'Brickashaw Fergueson, the Jets young core. No biggie, its an uncapped year. Let's make it happen!

I just wants to plays the footballs. Glory be to Lord Odin.

May 17, 2010 - Michael Lombardi of the National Football Post is the first to get a figure out of Revis. $20 million. Per year. Somewhere in Atlanta, a Jets fan shits his pants.

"I mean, what are they gonna do? NOT pay me?"

June 3, 2010 - Revis skips the Jets OTA, or as I learned today 'Organized Training Activity'. I assume this is where professional athletes limber up for the upcoming season by swimming laps in pools filled with money and strippers. Revis states that the Jets "are like family to me" and that both coach Ryan and GM Mike Tennenbaum told him he should be the highest paid in the league at his position and that they'd work to get it done. To get it done the Jets would have to top $15.1 million, the ridiculous salary commanded by Raiders cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha.

Why. Won't. You. Die.

June 8, 2010 - Revis returns to voluntary workouts.

June 14, 2010 - Jets fan's worst fears are confirmed when Revis excuses himself a few minutes early from a mandatory minicamp. He jokingly complains of dizziness and a tight hamstring. Speaking with reporters, Revis expresses his frustration at the lack of progress on a new contract and name drops perennial all-pro center, Nick Mangold as someone who feels the same.

Nay, Master Thief. I seeks only honor,
to bathe my steel in the blood of mine enemies...
and that new Norelco beard trimmer.

June 16, 2010 - Rex Ryan calms the threatening storm, has a sit-down with Revis. Afterwards proclaims that he and Revis see "eye to eye".

"Don't make me hungry Darrelle.
You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry."

August 1, 2010 - Storm uncalmed. Revis is a no-show for the first day of training camp indicating he's committed to holding out. He'll also begin accruing fines at $16,000 per day.

"Let's see, that means in three days I'll have been fined
more than a certain Atlanta area Jets fan makes in a year!"

August 4, 2010 - Jets owner Woody Johnson states that the Jets are "ready, willing and able" to offer Revis the extension he wants. Tennenbaum and Revis' agent Neil Schwartz have a sit-down.

August 9, 2010 - The Jets reject the contract proposed by Revis' agents. Woody says there has been no progress whatsoever and that his "gut feeling" is that Revis will sit out the entire season. Rookie Kyle Wilson is taking snaps with the first-team defense. Rex Ryan states that the Jets are preparing as if Revis won't be there. Revis has already accrued $148k in fines.

"Oh my god! I said what??? I have got to
stop drinking before press conferences."

August 10, 2010 - The Jets front office and Rex Ryan claim they can achieve the goal of reaching and winning the Super Bowl without their best defensive player. This makes no sense to anybody, including Jets wideout David Clowney, who offers Revis half his 2010 salary to end the holdout. There's just one problem. Clowney's salary is $545k, a mere one-twentieth of what Revis is asking.

"Uh... naw homie. You cool."

August 11, 2010 - Rex invites team Revis to a pow-wow at Jets camp with all players and coaches and front office staff in attendance. HBO reality series 'Hard Knocks' featuring the Jets debuts. Cameras catch GM Mike Tennenbaum wondering aloud whether or not to "move on" without Revis.

August 12, 2010 - Team Revis and the Jets release a joint statement saying that they've "cleared the air" and will continue negotiations.

And so boys and girls, that's where we find ourselves. It's obvious that at this point that the whole thing is either a stunt for HBO or that it's taken the Jets and Revis two months to progress from "like family" to "seeing eye to eye" to "clearing the air". Which I'm pretty sure is actually the opposite of progress.

With all the potential disaster in the air, I take solace in the fact that (***SPOILER ALERT***) 'Hard Knocks' will end with Revis jumping out of a cake with a signed contract in his hand.

Pay Him. Pay That Man His Money.

2010-07-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

Couple of interesting Jets oriented articles on ESPN.com today...

First, the ongoing and increasingly exasperating Darelle Revis contract saga. The big question is whether or not Revis is going to show up to training camp on August 1st. He wants to be the highest paid corner in the league. To get him over the bar set by the Raiders' Nnamdi Asomugha, Gang Green needs to cough up at least $16,000,000.01 per.

The Jets are balking, saying that the guaranteed $20 mil he's set to earn in 2011 & '12 (contingent on him showing up to camp on time) should excuse their paying him third-string money in 2010 ($1 mil). Even in an uncapped year, the Jets' already bloated payroll is a cause for concern. After splurging on the likes of Cromartie, Tomlinson, Holmes, Taylor, etc. they've left themselves little wiggle room to sign/extend the contracts of young stars like Revis and center, Nick Mangold.

Each side is playing its part. Revis desires to retire a Jet. The Jets would love to have him, if only he'd be reasonable.

Second. According to Forbes magazine, the New York Jets clock in at #9 on the list of world's most valuable sports franchises.

After thinking long and hard about both these stories, rationalizing the valid points made by both sides and trying to maintain an unbiased perspective, I've arrived at the following conclusion:

Pay Revis. Pay him today and pay him whatever it takes to keep him the highest paid cornerback in the league over the next 5 years. By then he'll be 30 and will have probably lost half a step. At that point you can haggle with a dominant but aging guy who may or may not be deserving of the title 'highest paid'.

The Jets have the money. The resurgence in talent and fan interest has come from 1) Rex Ryan's sweeping culture change and 2) The influx of young, exciting talent.

Of these new guys, Revis is the best and deserves nothing less than team MVP status. I know lots of that $1.17 bil is tied up in the new stadium. I know he doesn't play quarterback or half-back. I know his stats are going to go down because nobody will throw at him. And I know the math; an increase to what Revis is looking is looking for will cost the Jets an extra $15 mil this year and another $12 or so over the next two.

The quick fix would be to hand him an obscenely ginormous signing bonus and be done with it. My questions is, why haven't the Jets done it yet?

The NFL isn't the kind of league where guys, even aging guys happily take pay cuts to keep winning team together. Careers end in the time it takes to make a tackle or throw a block. Guaranteed money is few and far between. Even guaranteed money isn't so guaranteed as evidenced by the gritty details of the Jets' new contract with D'Brickashaw Ferguson.

So pay him. Pay Revis. Pay Mangold and linebacker, David Harris. What with the uncapped year, the free-agent splurge and young core, there is no excuse. Why take chances on the future by pissing off 25 year old all-pros? Lock the younger guys up so that the 2010 season isn't just one desperate stab for a Super Bowl only to go all Florida Marlins on us next year.

What do you think Teddy KGB?

"That ace... could not have helped you."

What? Teddy, that makes no... you know what, just nevermind."

Damn You Google! Damn You All To Hell!

2010-07-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

I, like most of you am blissly plugged into the Google matrix. This weekend, I attempted to organize all my photos on Picasa. Forgetting that Google is attached to everything, I unwittingly deleted a folder containing all the pictures I ever uploaded onto this site.

Oops.

The Dangers of Over-Fantasy-Managing

2010-06-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I was presented with a maddening conundrum. One that fantasy baseball managers are forced to make all too often. I made my decision with the best of intentions and only after using a good 15 minutes of company time to research the issue thoroughly. Needless to say, it blew up in my face.

Johnny Cueto, the young starting pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds was going up against the Philadelphia Phillies last night. If you had to describe Cueto's pitching style in terms of a mental illness, it would be Bipolar Disorder. One night he can be lights out. Four times this year he's gone at least 7 innings and allowed 1 earned run or less. The next night he can be downright abysmal. During a 3 start stretch in the beginning of June he pitched 17 innings, allowed 25 hits and 17 earned runs.

So every time he steps on the field, it's a gamble. And we haven't even begun to delve into the particulars.

The last time Cueto faced the Phillies he got absolutely eviscerated. He didn't get out of the first inning. He somehow gave up 9 runs on 5 hits (3 of them of the long-distance variety) and 3 walks.

Worse, the Phillies had been on an offensive tear as of late. They had scored 42 runs in their last 6 games. Cueto clearly had a date with disaster.

On a personal level, I had all too recently experienced the damage some ugly starts can do to a fantasy team's week. Last week the aces of my squad (Verlander & Cain) both had their worst outings of the season. My team's ERA & WHIP were put in such a state that it was nearly impossible to recover. They were the anchor of last week's loss to the league's basement dweller. The shameful experience was too painful to go through all over again. I knew what had to be done.

So I bench Cueto against the Phillies.

And of course, Johnny decided that the night was right for revenge. He went 8 innings, scattered 6, walked 2 and gave up 1.

And it gets crazier. Cueto didn't even pitch that well. He didn't record one strike out. He got hit hard. He gave up some deep pop flies that somehow didn't make it out of Cincinnati's home run factory of a stadium, the Great American Ballpark. He lucked out on some fielders choices and induced some doubleplay balls.

So... in the end I made the wrong decision. But on another level it was still the right decision. Cueto got a bit lucky. And by playing it safe, I failed to benefit.

There are two schools of thought went comes to the pitchers on one's fantasy baseball roster. The first is 'Play the Matchups'. Do your research, make smart decisions. I hate this school of thought. Mostly because its the one by which I normally abide and cannot name the last time it served me well.

The second is 'If They're Good Enough to be on Your Roster, Start'em.' Every year I tell myself I'm going to start all my pitchers, all the time. And then I get dealt a matchup like the one above. And I start reading. And I get nervous. So I do some research. And before long I've convinced myself that my pitcher faces certain doom. And I swear, that more times than not, the situation plays out like it did last night.

Lesson learned. I hope.

Dear God. No.

2010-06-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

ESPN is reporting that the Jets have called JaMarcus Russell to gauge his interest in joining the team.

You may have been a good college QB,
but now your career is Bantha fodder.

This is apparently an attempt to hedge our bets on signing this guy as our backup / token 'experienced' QB:

Mark Brunell's 1993 Rookie Card.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to church for the first time in a few decades to pray on behalf of Mark Sanchez's knees.

FIFA To Censor Stadium Replays

2010-06-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

The 2010 World Cup has been marred by several instances of blown calls involving goals that have directly and adversely affected the outcome of games.

And to its credit, FIFA has identified the issue, thoroughly researched all possible solutions and yesterday announced that its chosen the most idiotic and cowardly of them in a pathetic attempt to reduce the perception that their method of officiating is severely flawed.

FIFA took action after the latest incident resulted in a goal for Argentina against Mexico on a play that was actually offsides. Stadium screens (not controlled by FIFA) replayed the goal putting the clear miscue on display for all to see. Boos rightly rained down from the stands and a fracas broke out between the competing squads.

Implementing technology or adding officials to matches might be impossible, or at the very least moderately difficult mid-way through an event. Understood. But choosing to do nothing would have been better than what FIFA's opted for here. They could have blown smoke, said they'd research it, said they were committed to improving the officiating and ensuring this doesn't happen in the next World Cup.

Instead, they've decided to insult the intelligence of every individual interested in their event. FIFA honestly thinks the most prudent course of action is to go the 1984 route with this. The only remotely conceivable way this decision makes any sense whatsoever is to prevent an all out riot in the stands. It's literally the only argument they have. Except they're not making it.

This is a shallow attempt to hide their ineptitude and protect a flawed system. And it's a pretty shitty attempt. It's as if they don't know or don't care that the majority of their fans aren't even at the stadium. We're watching on TV. ESPN is going to replay these things. A lot. Maybe you fool the people in the stadium. Then they go home and turn on their TVs. Not fooled anymore.

Ugh... Fine. World Cup Post

2010-06-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that Slovenia has scored in the 12th minute to take an early lead over the US. Good. With any luck, there will be lots of dribbling and passing and not shooting for another 80 minutes, America will lose and the country can get back to not pretending to enjoy soccer.

Every four years it seems like one-third of the people I know magically transform into soccer fans. They hurriedly learn the names of the guys on our roster and which club teams they play for. They shamelessly try to rope me into conversations about how America has shown steady improvement over the years and that this could finally be our chance to make a serious run at the cup.

Listen. Because I'm only going to say this once. I don't care. I don't. I really don't think that there are words to describe the level of apathy I have towards the sport.

***Match Update*** We're fouling the crap out of Slovenia. It's pretty obvious at this point we're overplaying our strategy of matching the Slovenian (Slovene?) tough-guy style of play.

Watching these friends and acquaintances of mine undergo their quadrennial metamorphosis, I feel ashamed for them. The whole thing seems so disingenuous. Like when you were little and were forced to have a play-date with some kid maybe too young, or a bit too slow to really relate to. You'd have to play with his stupid toys and learn his backwards rules... all while keeping a smile on your face because you know if you didn't complain, Mom would take you to Toys R Us to pick out a toy because she probably didn't like the kid's parents all that much, but you were both in this together and teamwork is a character trait that when properly developed is its own reward.

***Match Update*** America is putting some chances together. Torres puts a shot on goal. And DeMerit has a header go wide off a corner. USA continues to throw its weight around and Robbie Findley draws a yellow. Cherundolo has a shot go wide with five to go in the first half.

In all honesty, we're Americans. We have plenty to do already. There is a surplus of sporting entertainment options in this country and we certainly can do without some half-assed contest where the participants are restricted to using only half of their god-given limbs.

***Match Update*** SLOVENIA SCORES AGAIN!!! If I remember correctly, Landon Donovan characterized the Slovenian squad as "good but not great". Well Lando, if I were you I'd go and look up the Slovene (beautiful country by the way, about the size of Jersey) word for 'mediocre'.

As I was saying... If you've ever sat down and viewed a soccer match in its entirety you know that its excitement level as a spectator sport falls somewhere between that of Olympic ping pong and professional kite flying. You're telling me I'm supposed to sit there while a bunch of marathon runners pass the ball around midfield, attempting to orchestrate one of their at best, half dozen scoring chances over the next hour and a half? Super. Where do I sign up?

***Match Update*** Lando scores in the 47th to cut the lead in half.

Sure there are other low-scoring sports out there, ice hockey for example. But in hockey there is plenty of action going on between the goals. The schemes and set ups and scoring chances come one right after the other. The play is physical, players are put on their wallets with regularity.

With soccer we're forced to endure players who fold like well-oiled lawn chairs at the slightest hint of physical contact. And I don't want to hear how it's technically against the rules. Soccer is a game where diving is not only accepted, but encouraged as an effective means of maintaining possession of the ball, creating scoring chances and weakening the opposition through cards and forcing them to play cautiously.

***Match Update*** Slovenia collects two yellows in three minutes as the Americans continue to create chances.

Even the competitors in softer sport like basketball, in its current state a long cry from the bloodsport days of Bill Lambeer and Kevin McHale, get up right away after diving. (With the obvious exception of Vince Carter of course) Soccer players will milk it as long as there's an outside chance the referee may still be considering carding the offending player.

***Match Update*** MICHAEL BRADLEY SCORES FOR USA!!! Tying it in the 81st minute.

Getting back to these phony friends of mine, I understand the motivation behind cheering for America in international competition. I'm pulling for America too. But what I won't do is pretend I know anything more than the rules, that Brazil and Spain and England are good and any other details about the game I may have run into during the course of everyday events over the last four years of my life.

Boning up on the game and its current state just so you can use your newfound soccer fandom to take off work on a Friday like its some sort of religious holiday is just dishonest and wrong. The fact is when all this is over, you are not going to watch one minute of the MLS over the next four years.

As Americans I truly believe our role in this game is similar to that of Michael Jordan's in baseball. Sure, there is athletic talent coming out of our collective ears and we can probably be fairly competitive in anything without really trying. But it's this lack of trying that makes us great. You see, we field a pretty decent international team while domestic club soccer continuously battles women's basketball for TV time.

Then, every four years we waltz on into the World Cup and say to the world... "Hey guys! Nice to see everybody again. Brazil, what's up? How's the rainforest? Germany, why so serious?" We give it a half-hearted shot and walk away smiling after not making the elimination round because, very simply, we don't care.

And that should be our niche in this sport. The naturally talented guy who could be the best, but doesn't have the time or interest. Like Jordan, putzing around on a AA baseball team, having the time of his life and not caring that he's hitting .200 because after all, this is his vacation. (Did you know he had 30 stolen bags? I didn't) If we start taking this stuff too seriously, we'll have to start getting good at it. And honestly, aren't we awesome at enough stuff already? Let's toss this one to the rest of the world. Just this once.

***Match Update*** The match ends in (you guessed it) a tie. America is setting itself up nicely to miss yet another elimination round of the World Cup. Fans are pissed because of (you guessed it again) allegedly poor refereeing on a disallowed goal due to diving.

NYJ Hype Machine Continues - Madden 11 Team Rankings Revealed

2010-06-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

The 'Madden' video game franchise released its team rankings for the 2011 year. This struck me as strange, because I couldn't find player rankings anywhere and I always though sports teams were comprised of individuals each with their own unique levels of ability.

Not to mention that NFL rosters are not currently set in stone. Lots of things could happen, trades, injuries, felonies, Brett Favre holding Sportcenter hostage for months on end, etc.

I did however, manage to find some first round rookie rankings. Very respectable Mr. Wilson. But I'll wait till I see you on the field before assigning your talent level some borderline obligatory two-digit integer.

But I digress. I'm here to share with you that the New York Jets 2011 hype machine that will lead us straight to a green and white apocalypse is rolling on... albeit not at the breakneck speed that has had me so worried recently.

The J-E-T-S are coming in at a robust 89 team score (I'm assuming out of 100), good enough for 4th overall. They trail the Saints (92), Colts (91) and Baltimore Ravens!?! (90). The Vikings (88) round out the top 5. I'll say that the sequential nature of these rankings is conspicuously suspicious enough not to take a lot of stock in how they may end up when the game finally hits shelves.

Not the biggest fan of Madden, I played 2010 for the first time recently and I wasn't impressed. A fair amount of button mashing seemed to be key to my success on offense and I might as well have been trying to play defense on one of those electric, buzzing football things from the 1970's.

Sports games have become increasingly impossible to play in my opinion since the advent of the dual joystick controllers. I yearn for the days when you had to choose whether or not you wanted to run parallel, perpendicular or at a 45 degree angle to the sidelines.

Intentional Walks, Pant Pooping and False Messiah GM's

2010-06-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm glad that I am not a fan of the Oakland A's. If I were, I'd probably be responsible for the largest organized book burning outside of occupied Europe circa 1940. Any fan base whose team's GM is the subject of a book generally recognized as transforming the theories teams use to evaluate talent should rightly expect their team to be the primary beneficiaries of said transformation.

Sadly for Oakland Athletics fans, the post-'Moneyball' years have seen their team decline into the goats of the already borderline-laughable AL West. Between Dallas Braden's perfecto and a currently respectable record, the A's are enjoying a bit of success, but given the recent history, tension in the Bay area is understandably palpable.

The pent-up feelings of hatred and disgust seem to have come to a glorious head with Manager Bob Geren's decision Saturday to intentionally walk Twin's first baseman Justin Morneau.

I'll spare you the gritty details, but Geren has a propensity for ordering pitchers to issue free passes. It's widely disparaged as a risky-at-best strategy. But the great thing about this story are the non-baseball details.

Morneau, the perennial all-star first baseman was actually brought in as a pinch hitter in the 9th inning of a tie ballgame. The reason he wasn't in the starting lineup was because he was sick with the flu. But he wasn't just sick. He was apparently so at risk for sudden and spontaneous fecal combustion, that Twins Manager Ron Gardenhire had this to say:

“He said he wanted to hit, and then I knew I had to run for him. I didn’t want to see a grown man go to the bathroom in his pants on the field.”

First off, 'go to the bathroom in his pants' has to be the most hilarious use of subdued language I've ever come across... this is just ridiculous. Secondly, I don't see what the big deal is. It's widely known that Morneau poops his pants and shuts it down after every All-Star break. (buh-dum, tiss) Finally, while the Associated Press reports that Morneau was so sick he could "hardly stand" I think the 'fire Bob Geren' talk is a little overblown.

Not because Bob Geren deserves to keep his job. He doesn't. It was a bad decision made by a bad manager with a documented history of making bad decisions.

Personally, I'd like to see this mysterious Billy Beane character taken down a peg or two. We're talking about a guy who put Khalil Greene and Joe Blanton on the 1st round of his 'perfect world' draft list. We're talking about a guy who called Prince Fielder "too fat". We're talking about a guy who holds onto Eric Chavez like an overzealous kindergartner does an eyeball-less hamster.

I know he's minority owner of the team, but when will the Oakland faithful launch some vitriol at the source of their team's problem? The evidence is mounting, maybe not against Beane's system, but certainly against his implementation of it. Even the best managers would be hard pressed to succeed with the talent (especially on offense) Beane considered worthy of an opening day starting lineup.

Raul Ibanez... I Can't Quit You

2010-06-04T06:15:00.000-07:00

After playing fantasy baseball for a few years, you find yourself lumping players into categories... guys you love, guys you hate, guys you wouldn't draft with an opposing manager's team, etc. My favorite category of player is guys who year after year, somehow find their way onto your roster.

I consider these guys non-keeper keepers. And mine is Raul Ibanez. I'm writing this morning because I recently nabbed Raul with the 12th waiver priority at 12:01am this morning after a manager in my league graciously grew weary of Raul's underperforming. My excitement is pretty much uncontainable. This marks the 5th year in a row Raul and I have joined forces to lay waste to opposing fantasy managers.

It's not like I know something about Mr. Ibanez 11 other managers in my league do not. He's a streak hitter. Common knowledge. The fact that he went untouched through waivers means that the opposing managers simply aren't willing to take the risk that a 38 year old batting .242 has it in him to go on that yearly streak again.

But Raul and I have had a working relationship every season since 2006. I know him better than any manager in the league, better than any other player I've had the privilege of fantasy managing... and quite possibly, better than he knows himself. You see, it's not that I'm betting that Raul will go on one of his hot streaks because he's slumped through April and May. It's that I know he will. To me, there is no risk associated with this move. I trust him.

The Fantasy Baseball Commissioner - A Comedic Tragedy - Act II, Scene I

2010-06-02T13:54:00.000-07:00

So due to a job change my idea for an ongoing fantasy baseball league update that would only make sense to myself or the 13 other guys in my league got put on hold. Which in hindsight is probably a good thing seeing as showing a blog off to a bunch of law/med school twenty-somethings who consider sarcasm an olympic sport probably would result in a tired of 'what a nerd' flavored smack talk.

Regardless, I feel the need to emote what has transgressed with the league (my team) since the season started a mere 8 weeks ago.

The Draft
Went extremely well. Initial thought was that it was my best draft in a long time. Netted Longoria, AGon and Reynolds from the 6 spot in a 14 team league. Grabbed a nice balance of (what I thought were going to be) power bats and arms. Even managed to draft saves comfortably which hasn't happened in half a decade.

The Opening
Went .500 the first three weeks as my team took a bit to gel. Pitching was an initial worry as Verlander, Billingsly and Cain struggled a bit.

Since
Rattled off 5 undefeated weeks. Managed to survive a simultaneous Cruz/Manny DL stint in my outfield. The team has been carried week after week by the bats or the arms, but not both. Even while flirting with first place, 'cautiously optimistic' would best describe my outlook.

Now
Abandon ship. All hope is lost. I'm one and a half games out of first and after last week's horrid 5-5 tie (head to head league) I've strapped on the oxygen mask and am wondering whether in fact my seat cushion can actually be used as a floatation device.

The bats have been dead for weeks. I was surviving on pitching until now. But both my drafted studs (Verlander, Billingsly, Garza) and my free agent/waiver wire finds (Cueto, Fister, Cecil) went belly up last week. The offense has been infected with fantasy ebloa. Polanco, Cruz and Reynolds are all hurting. Manny is fat/old/lazy/high and only plays 4 games a week. My outfield right now is Manny/Pagan/Gardener/Seth Smith.

Note to self: I don't want to live.

Effective fantasy baseball management is one part skillful fortune telling, one part battlefield medic and one part watching helplessly as everything you painstakingly built falls apart in front of your eyes.

Stop. Please, Just... Stop.

2010-05-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

Do have any idea what its like to support a team known as the league doormat for over two decades before you're 30? Do you know what sort of mental callouses are built up at this point in my young life? I proudly bear the scars of being a Jets fan and enjoy showing them off to patrons of more successful franchises.

It's gotten to the point where the futility is what keeps you coming back. Each failed season is another merit badge I get to sew onto my sash of pain. Every year I know the disappointment will hit me like a familiar slap in the face. It's the routine, you see. I crave the structure.

So before I bring you way too close to my dark (green) place, let's get to the point...

All this New York Jets hype is infuriatingly unfamiliar. I don't want to see another article about how the Jets are doing something to generate buzz or signing another big name free agent or giving us the rundown on how Rex's diet is going.

Today, ESPN.com greets me with Bart Scott's goal for next season. Best defense ever? That's wonderful Bart. I appreciate the confidence, (no I don't) but maybe we could play a couple of games first?

So because I want to leave work on time and I don't feel like researching every hype-tastic thing that's gone on over the offseason, let's do the rundown quick, dirty and in no particular order...

Meadowlands awarded the 2014 Super Bowl, Bon Jovi opens new Meadowlands, Coach Ryan challenges linemen to a weight-loss contest, signed Cromartie, signed LT, draft Kyle Wilson, sign Santonio, Sanchez's leg feeling better, Ryan believes NYJ can go all the way... wait a second.

Time out. Of course Ryan believes we could go all the way. He'd say that regardless. Ryan could take the helm of a team that had present day Ken O'Brien at quarterback, LL Cool J and Bill Bellamy as the offensive options and a defense comprised of near-sighted dwarfs and he'd be like... "You know what, we got a couple of issues on this squad, but if we come together as a cohesive unit and believe in ourselves, we could be the last team standing." And that's why we love Rex. He provides all the hype a Jets fan can physically handle. The second the media starts sending these smoke signals that the Jets are the team to beat this year, we get all sweaty palmed and wonder when exactly we woke up in Bizzaro world.

Continuing... signed Jason Taylor, Revis contract talks going well, Mark Brunell talk!!!, landing that HBO show, Sanchize and 'Brick go to the White House.... hold on again.

You know why I like the sports of hockey and baseball better than football? Rigid tradition that resembles crazy person witchcraft superstition. Playoff beards, jumping over white chalk and refusing to touch conference champion trophies. I'd humbly like to suggest that no members of any team in any sport accept an invitation to the White House before winning the championship and getting the obligatory champs invite. Just makes sense to me.

Ok, you get the point.

You know what all this hype means, don't you? We're doomed. Rex is going to become a vegetarian and drop 240 pounds. Sanchize leg is never going to heal. He'll stumble through his career as that guy who had a lot of talent who just could never get healthy, Bart Scott will pull a Pedro Cerano and refuse to inflict pain on living things, Nick Mangold will be outed as the biggest meth dealer in the tri-state area when his lab ignites and explodes, killing his child-slave meth chefs and every puppy in the animal shelter across the street.

If you think about it, it's the only plausible outcome.

Shocking News: 2012 Olympic Mascots Are Stupid, Ridiculous and Slightly Creepy

2010-05-20T06:53:00.000-07:00

As if the logo wasn't sufficiently inane, London 2012 recently unveiled its mascot duo. Their names are Wenlock and Mandeville. Roughly translated from the original Gaelic, that's 'Tiger-striped, ribbed for her pleasure, sharkskin condom' and 'my meat pie was laced with government strength acid'... respectively.

The 2012 Committee claims that the mascots were designed by local children. I have a suggestion. Round these children up and lock them away. Because these kids are seriously damaged. Based on these abominations, I'd categorize the likelihood of their growing up to be psychotically violent offenders as 'high'.

Has there ever been even a mildly innocuous Olympic mascot? Not that I can remember. Why exactly do the Olympics need a mascot again? No reason whatsoever? Ok, just checking.

Salty to Remain in Minors Until Throwing (Back to the Pitcher) Improves

2010-05-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

Jerrod Saltalamacchia (whose name I somehow spelled correctly on the first try) has played exactly 2 games for the Texas Rangers this year. Initially sent down due to a back injury, Salty has found himself stuck at AAA, despite hitting an impressive .339 because... well, he's having a bit of trouble throwing the ball back to the pitcher.

You may remember that this is the exact malady suffered by fictional Cleveland Indians catcher Rube Baker in the barely watchable sequel to the hilarious Major League. With any luck, Salty's treatment will also involve a heaping helping of dirty magazines.

Baseball history is filled with guys who developed a similar mental block... Macky Sasser, Chuck Knoblauch, Steve Sax... Dale Murphy was brought up as a catcher until the yips (as they call it in the biz) kept him from making the throw down to second. He was moved to the outfield after he couldn't keep from plugging pitchers in the back or launching the ball to the centerfield wall.

"Women... can't live with'em, and they can't pee standing up."

Some get over it. Some don't. Knoblauch sticks out in my mind as being particularly painful to watch as 1) It occurred recently enough for me to remember it and he always seemed like a nice guy, 2) As a second baseman, he had the shortest throw on the field and 3) He played for the dynasty Yankees of the late 90's early 00's, calling massive amount of attention to the issue. He'd make a routine play on a grounder, he'd get set to throw and... the ball sail 20 feet to the right of the first baseman. Oops.

If you haven't seen a player in the midst of battling the yips, it's awful. The first couple of throws, you yell or laugh or treat him like any other player who just made an error. Around errant throw three or four it becomes apparent that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong inside this player's brain and no matter what team he plays for, you want him to correct it before the uses his glove to dig a hole in the infield, crawl inside and die of embarrassment.

I'd imagine that in the kinder, gentler 21st century, where baseball teams have psychologists on call, that mental issues like the yips are identified and treated quickly and the players probably suffer a lot less stigma for accepting mental treatment. (Ty Cobb is undoubtedly rolling over in his violently racist, homophobic, tough-guy grave right now)

I've always considered Salty to be somewhat of a cursed player. Catchers with power hitting potential always garner a bit of hype and he's yet to really live up to it whatsoever. Since getting trade from the Braves to the Rangers a few years ago, Salty was expected to win and hold the starting job for a long time. But injuries and offensive struggles have kept him bouncing from the majors to the minors repeatedly. At 25 years old, Saltalamacchia has plenty of time to turn it around. But honestly, this recent mental breakdown of his just seems like another weird thing that happened to a player with lots of potential that kept him from fulfilling it.

What Do Keith Hernandez and My Girlfriend Have in Common?

2010-05-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

They both recently had a bit of difficulty staying awake for a full nine inning game.

No word yet as to whether Keith's mini-coma was also brought on by Riesling.

I Caught Myself Thinking the Other Day... 'You Know Who Hasn't Done Anything Illegal in a While? Lawrence Taylor.'

2010-05-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

You know those professional athletes, the ones who are probably more than a little batshit crazy, maybe have a bit of a felonious side to them, but you kinda like them anyway because they are/were absolute monsters on whatever field they played upon?

Mike Tyson is and always will be the king of those guys. Lawrence Taylor is probably number two.

He's the man who ended Joe Theisman's career (though it was inadvertent and the two are reportedly good friends), sent prostitutes to opponent's hotel rooms the night before big games and showed up to a team meeting in handcuffs because the girls he spent the previous night with couldn't find the key.

On a less than awesome note, he's admitted to ingesting a small island nation GDP's worth of booze and narcotics over the years and has the arrest record (not to mention check stubs from his Dancing With The Stars appearances) to prove it.

And depressingly, Taylor was arrested yesterday for third-degree rape (among other charges) of a 16 year old prostitute.

I want to defend Lawrence. I want to continue to view him as that slightly crazy guy who makes the occasional self-destructive mistake. But this latest run-in with the law is indicative of some serious issues on his part.

The man is, allegedly, hiring intermediaries to solicit prostitutes on his behalf and send them up to his hotel room. The alleged pimp has a criminal record that includes 1st degree manslaughter. When you associate with people like that, the 'I didn't know she was 16' excuse is utter horseshit. When you associate with people like that you had better expect the worse. (All that said, LT and his lawyer are going with the Bill Clinton defense. Best of luck.)

After nearly ruining his life with drugs, LT turned it around in the late nineties and said that he has been two people over the course of his life; LT, the sort of batshit crazy guy and Lawrence Taylor, the regular guy. He claimed that LT had been dead for a long time. And for over a decade Taylor kept clean.

I'm not saying he's back on the powder. I'm saying who cares. He's now allegedly hiring underage runaways for sex from individuals who've been convicted of killing people .

It was sort of sad and sort of funny when LT was just hurting himself. Now he's been arresting for hurting others. If convicted, I think we all should just be done with LT for good.

Phillies Fan Tasered, Scores More Remain Untasered...

2010-05-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

During Monday night's Cardinals/Phillies game, 17 year old Steve Consalvi leapt onto the playing field, ran around, evaded a few security officers and was then brought down via taser.

So this morning, the great debate is whether this was an appropriate use of force. I think that question misses a bigger point.

Phillies fans and fans of all professional sports teams in the metro-Philly, southern New Jersey area should be tasered. Constantly. Do it in the line to get to into the stadium. Men, women, children, infants-in-arms... everybody. Just to remind them that they're still in public and should try to act like it. Hook tasers up to every seat in the stadium and have them activated anytime something remotely provocative happens. Foul balls, incomplete passes, pretty much anything that could possibly cause audible displeasure or joy.

We're talking about a fan base that required Veterans Stadium come equipped with its own courtroom, that booed Santa Claus, chucked D cell batteries from the outfield bleachers at J.D. Drew, cheered as Michael Irvin was immobilized and carted out of the Vet on a stretcher, continues to hold a messiah-like view of fictional character Rocky Balboa while non-fictional, former heavyweight boxing champion Joe Frazier was raised in and still resides in the city. And most recently, some aspiring member of the Philadelpha MENSA chapter vomited intentionally on an off-duty police officer and his 14 year old daughter.

Back to the issue at hand.

We have security officers at stadiums to protect players, coaches and umpires from angry, crazy and over-amorous fans. Remember the father/son duo that blindsided Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa? No? Here you go.

I understand that most of these idiots are just trying to be funny or grab a few moments of attention. But because nobody knows what their intentions are until they are apparent, officers need to be adequately prepared to stop them. The moment Steve Consalvi put a deek on a security guard he was evading capture and a possible threat. They took him out with a legally sanctioned method of non-lethal force.

I couldn't think of a more deserving fan-base. Except maybe one.

This Is The Last Post I Want To Write About Kerry Rhodes... Ever

2010-03-10T08:39:00.000-08:00

How hard is it to blend in on a team that made it to the AFC Championship game? With all that the Jets had going right last season, how big a jerk must a former all-pro be to get traded for 4th and 7th round draft picks?

Today's New York Post has the answer, with several quotes from former Jets safety, Kerry Rhodes, who was recently traded to the Arizona Cardinals.

To preface, I hate that the article uses the word 'betray' in the title, yet nowhere is that word referenced in any of the quotes from Rhodes. But what are ya going to do, its the NYP.

Anyway, do you know how a young defensive player with 2 years left on his contract keeps from getting traded? Make tackles and don't bicker with the coaching staff. Kerry has had issues with the former for a few years now. Pursuing the latter this year all but guaranteed his departure.

Rhodes claims the ill-will between him and Rex Ryan's coaching staff began with his being removed from a leadership role in favor of the players Ryan brought with him from Baltimore.

Ok. I understand being generally pissed about losing your role as a team captain. But Rhodes is wrong here for three reasons... First, the ultimate leadership role on any football team is the Head Coach. And if Ryan was respected enough by three individuals to follow him from Baltimore to New York, I don't see any problem with mixing up the team a bit.

Second, Rhodes could have stepped his game up. He could have led by example. Anybody who watched him play this season knows that didn't happen.

Finally, he failed to take any enjoyment or pride (as evidenced by his sniping at the Jets coaching staff all season) in the improvement of his team. The New York Jets went from a barely watchable 4-12 in 2007 to the AFC Championship game in 2009.

Earth to Kerry Rhodes... Maybe the team being under new management is a good thing. Maybe your new role as a borderline bench player suited you. Maybe you should be happy you're signed long-term to an upward trending team that has legitimate Super Bowl aspirations in 2010.

But... too late now. So long Kerry Rhodes. I hope you enjoy the Warner and Bolden-less Arizona Cardinals. Your arm-tackling and late arrivals to the line of scrimmage to stop the run will be missed.

Nobody Pays Him to Read Books

2010-03-09T06:18:00.000-08:00

So Pittsburg Steelers quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, has been accused of sexual assault in Milledgeville, GA, making it the second time in a year. If you want to read ESPN's recap of the allegations you can do so here.

Personally, I don't want to get into the whole 'did he do it or didn't he' thing. I will say however that after informing my girlfriend of the news, and that it took place at Capital City, a popular nightclub for Georgia College and State University students (where she spent her first year of undergrad) her response was "Well if that were going to happen in Milledgeville, it would happen there."

Again, irrelevant.

What I am concerned with however, is a distrubing pattern of utter stupidity on the part of Big Ben. Guys fresh out of school, high off of the stank of their first pro paychecks are supposed to be the ones making these types of mistakes. Roethlisberger is a 28 year old team captain.

That said, I understand (or could at least imagine) the young, single millionaire's need to get out and go blow off some steam. You know, in Vegas or LA or ~~Lake Tahoe~~ or Atlantic City. Places desginated as adult playgrounds that a celebrity can blend into.

Ben, What in the name of Terry Bradshaw are you doing prowling the bowels of Central Georgia looking for college girl tail? Milledgeville. Georgia. Do you know what the Chief of Police of Milledgeville Georgia looks like? I don't. But I bet damn sure he has a moustache and says things like "We got a nice, quiet college-town hee-yuh, and I don't take kindly to you city-slick-uhs causin' a ruckus."

Turns out his name is Woodrow W. Blue and I was right about the moustache.

I don't have a problem with Ben partying. But I wish he were a bit smarter about it. Busy hands, deep pockets and a tendency to binge drink are not assets in the brave new world of smart phones and data plans. People know who you are. And if they don't they can figure it out quicker than it takes me to finish this paragraph.

Or Ben, maybe you could just hang out with Tom. You don't think he could fix you up with one of Giselle's friends? You know, a girl who makes comparable money... you two could relate over how hard it is to live in the limelight, everybody wanting something from you... maybe you could even get her pregnant and leave her for a hotter supermodel? Who knows?

Ben, what I'm trying to say is that the possibilities for you are endless. So long as you stop looking for love or whatever it is you were looking for in Milledgeville, GA.

Jets Trade Model/Actor/Free Safety to Cards

2010-03-08T06:32:00.000-08:00

The AP reports that the New York Jets traded Kerry Rhodes to the Arizona Cardinals on Saturday for two draft picks.

Thank sweet baby Jesus.

There really isn't anything more frustrating than a player with potential to do great things that simply lacks the motivation to follow through on them. What I mean is, I support Mr. Rhodes in his desire to become a Hollywood actor or pursue anything that makes him happy and fulfills him as a human being... but get the hell off of my football team.

Rhodes had a tela-novela worthy 2009 with the Jets. He talked some smack in camp, he feuded with coaches, he sucked, he got benched, he underwent a minor attitude adjustment, he got his starting job back, he publicly apologized, he sucked less, he went to the AFC Championship game where he was ruthlessly berated from nearly 1,000 miles away by an angry Atlantan for not getting to the ball quickly enough and helping the Colts look like they had an actual running game, he stated his desire to remain in New York (Jersey), he got traded.

He got traded for a 4th round pick in 2010 and a 7th rounder in 2011! Oh, the humanity! We couldn't land a first-day pick for a 27 year old safety who compiled over 200 tackles in his first two seasons!?! How damaged are your goods Kerry? Not even a 3rd rounder???

Good riddance. Prima donna players are headaches as is. But on defense? Kerry, you don't score touchdowns. Hell, you don't even prevent opposing players from scoring touchdowns all that well. And that's your job. You had all the tools to be Ed Reed, only taller and faster. Instead, you want to take your shirt off and stare moodily into a camera.

I wish you all the best. Especially now that you're finally off my beloved team.

My Powers of Prognostication are Downright Frightening.

2010-03-05T06:05:00.000-08:00

ESPN is reporting that Antonio Cromartie is headed to the Jets.

But if you're one of the three people who read this blog, you are not surprised.

We're giving up a 2nd/3rd rounder for a 6'2", young, under-performing corner with loads of potential in a position that was our lone weak spot on defense this year. Hell, he can't be any worse than Lito Sheppard.

UPDATE - The Chargers also just gave Darren Sproles a 1st & 3rd Tender, essentially locking him up for next season. Mark that one off in the 'Mike was right' column as well.

Lightning Leon Packing His Bags?

2010-03-04T09:52:00.000-08:00

The Jets may lose their second Running Back in as many weeks with the news that Leon Washington was offered only a 2nd round tender by the team.

Before we go any further, let's explain tender as I had to look it up myself...

Classified as a Restricted (as opposed to Unrestricted) Free Agent the Jets are able to place 'Tenders' on these players that correspond to rounds in the upcoming draft. The player can then choose to test the free-agent market. If another team chooses to offer a contract to a tendered player, the original team has the option to match, or not and receive the tendered draft pick in compensation.

All set? Ok. So for a player that's known as somewhat of a human highlight reel, a 2nd round tender could be considered a bit of an insult. That said, Leon sat out more than half of last season with a broken leg. Those types of injuries have a habit of hampering performance even after they've "healed".

I feel nearly the exact way about this as I do about the Jones move. My heart doesn't feel so great about it. My brain loves it. We'll either let Leon go and get compensated with a 2nd rounder... first day picks are always nice. Or we keep him on the cheap. And then, he's wearing green, he's got a chip on his shoulder and he plays like a maniac for a payday in 2011.

If we lose him though... and I want to make something perfectly clear... I want Chester. Yeah, there are some Running Back out there... No, none of them particularly interest me. Willie Parker, eh... thanks but no. Larry Johnson, not on MY team. Ahman Green, tack a 'Jr.' onto his name and we'll talk. But if we lose both Leon & TJ in one year, I'd like to see a veteran come back to compliment and mentor Shonn Greene.

Chester Taylor, an unrestricted free agent who... unless he signs before 11pm tonight will be out on the market brings experience, a punishing running style and the ability to catch out of the backfield. Yes, he's old, maybe older than Jones... and maybe that makes me a hypocrite but I'm ok with it. I've had a bit of a man-crush on Taylor since Peterson's rookie year when Chester did all he could to hold the kid off.

I wish I was writing about Anquan Boldin rumors, but I can't seem to find anything reliable. And having tendered a first/third offer to Braylon 'Balls Bouncing of my Face' Edwards I'm not sure that's going to happen.

Ah well. Here's to the rumor-mongering, human livestock shopping and unabashed free-market capitalism of another round of free-agency.

Chris Chelios Signs With Thrashers!

2010-03-02T12:26:00.000-08:00

Ok, so its a minor league contract and there are not currently plans to call up the 48 year old defenseman, but this is big news to me nonetheless.

Cheli signed a 2-way contract with the Trashers and will play with their farmclub, the Chicago Wolves.

I was introduced to hockey in the early 90's and latched onto the Chicago Blackhawks. They had (and still have) the best uniforms in the league and tough-guys stars like Chelios, Roenick and Probert made it nearly impossible to not to cheer for them.

Plus, the 'Hawks on Super Nintendo's NHL '94 were pretty much unstoppable. Any opposing player that ran into Chelios instantly burst into flames and was erased from the game's memory. Forever.

What I love about this story is that there's no reason whatsoever for it to be true. Chelios is a multi-millionaire with Hollywood friends who should be sipping a drink on an island somewhere for the rest of his life.

Instead he's getting the crap kicked out of him by kids less than half his age every other night with no promise of a return to the big leagues.

Happy Trails TJ

2010-03-01T11:06:00.000-08:00

After three seasons with the team, Thomas Jones will be released by the New York Jets, ESPN reports.

Jones was slated to receive $5.8 million in bonus and salary through the end of the 2010 season. With two younger running backs of promise on the squad, Shonn Greene & Leon Washington, the move was expected if the the team and Jones could not agree on whether or not to restructure his contract.

Jones rushed for over 1,000 yards in each of his three seasons with the Jets and has reached that mark five years running. Despite rushing well early, Jones slowed toward the end of the regular season and into the playoffs.

Rookie RB Shonn Greene made the most of this opportunity and led the Jets offense to the AFC Championship Game where we failed to show up for the entire 2nd half. Leon Washington missed nearly the entire 2009 season with a broken leg. Yet he said to be recovering well and should be 100% for the beginning of next season.

Do You Believe in Miracles? No? Yeah, Me Neither.

2010-03-01T09:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not much for pulling the goalie. Despite several sources (none of them reputable enough to link to) claiming the success rate to be upwards of 33%, it reeks of desperation to me. I feel like I've seen about 20 times more empty net goals than successful extra man attempts. Plus, empty net goals are a slap in the face, akin to getting shot in the gut after cooperating during a robbery.

Ok, be cool man. Here's my wallet and my keys, just take it easy... OW!!! Dude... was that necessary? (slumps to the ground)

So by the time Ryan Miller headed to the bench, I had given up hope. And then in the final moments Zach Parise chipped in a Patrick Kane turn-around snapper that bounced off Canadian net-minder, Roberto Luongo.

My brother's apartment went wild.

Team USA looked over-matched. While they were able to put pressure on Canada at various points of the game, it was obvious which team was playing the role of Goliath.

So after eye-gouging our way into OT, spirits were high. Unfortunately overtime did not live up to the previous three periods of promise. Sidney 'MotherBleeping' Crosby scored a quick, heartbreaking goal that put Vancouver into a state of relieved pandemonium and left American hockey fans wondering exactly 'whuh-ha-happened'.

USA Hockey should be happy with Silver. Before the tournament, they were the fourth or fifth best team in the world. To outwork and outperform their opponents in a short tournament loaded with the best hockey players in the world was impressive. Team USA, young and undersized worked hard enough to be rewarded a showdown with the best hockey team in the world. A team talented enough to completely embarrass the Russians and motivated by revenge, losing to America in the preliminary round robin.

Silver should have been a victory. But due to Parise's last-minute heroics, USA hockey stole itself a chance at stunning the Canadians. But in the end all those close calls and shots that rang metal caught up with USA and the tournament favorites finally laid claim to what is deservedly theirs and what was so nearly ours.

Told you So...

2010-02-25T09:45:00.001-08:00

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=4945097

NBA Now Less Competitive Than The Average Public Fantasy League

2010-02-19T12:57:00.000-08:00

In what has become an ugly tradition, the deals negotiated prior to yesterday's NBA trade deadline were comprised mostly of lopsided deals where contenders grabbed high-paid skill players from teams looking to slash payroll and increase their draft lottery chances.

The Washington Wizards were the most shameless star-shoppers. After enduring the embarrassment of their star-player bringing firearms into the arena and subsequently suspended for the rest of the year for doing so, the Wiz tore the house down and sold even the copper wire.

While the Portland/Clippers trade (Marcus Camby for Steve Blake and Travis Outlaw) certainly was a laugher, the Wiz took the cake. They shipped literally an entire stating lineup (Antwan Jameson, Caron Butler, Brenden Haywood, DeShawn Stevenson & Dominic McGuire) for four players that, either aren't very good or won't be there very long. Sure there were two draft picks in there, but one of them is a second rounder and won't come around until after next season.

But the real madness is in the details. In shipping Jamison to Cleveland, the Wizards received Zydrunas Ilgauskas back; whom they neither want nor can afford to pay. It's widely speculated that the Wizards will take advantage of a loophole where they can waive him or he'll retire, and in 30 days end up back on the Cavs.

Phil Jackson and Doc Rivers spoke up about the trade yesterday, both bellyaching about a stunt that each of them had previously pulled or at least had done something similar. Jackson was the coach of the Lakers when they stole Pau Gasol from the Grizzlies for Kwame Brown and some other players of equal worthlessness; Doc Rivers was at the helm when the Celtics traded Antoine Walker to the Atlanta Hawks for Gary Payton. Payton was waived and ended up back on the Celtics in time for a playoff run.

It's gotten so bad in the NBA that the teams with talent and money are forced to squabble among one another and complain about lopsided trades that they were looking to make. Essentially, "That's unfair because he thought of it first."

I understand there will always be 'haves' and 'have-nots'. But with 40% of a season left to play, fans shouldn't have to endure a league where half the teams are phoning it in, looking for draft picks and revenue.

Chargers Shopping Cromartie, Don't We Need A CB?

2010-02-17T08:36:00.000-08:00

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that the San Diego Chargers are shopping Antonio Cromartie. With LaDanian Tomlinson wrapping it up and Darren Spoles a free agent, the Bolts are said to be looking for a Running Back.

What a coincidence. We have plenty. And the big rip on the Jets' otherwise stalwart defense was the lack of depth at Corner after Revis.

My vote is to ship Thomas Jones. Talented but aging, he could be sold as a quick fix for San Diego.

I don't see Sproles leaving San Diego. He's a fan favorite going into an uncapped year. And while there is no such thing as the 'every down back' anymore, the 5'6" Sproles would be nicely complimented by a heavy runner like Jones.

Cromartie is a player that has failed to live up to his hype after a fantastic 2007 sophomore year. That season, he set a Chargers record with 10 picks in a season and set an NFL record with a 109 yard field goal return, the longest play in league history.

Since, the dig on Cromartie has been his tendency to gamble big and lose; ill-advised route jumping and giving up the big play. Hmmm... a 6'2" corner with sub 4.4 speed that is an unapologetic ball hawk? Sign me up. With any luck we can get the 25 year old without having to give up anything other than the 31 year old Jones. Maybe we can even leverage the last two seasons into a late-round draft choice.

I just feel good about this. Not sure why. The Jets haven't even been named as potential suitors. All I know is that a Revis/Cromartie cornerback tandem makes me think happy thoughts. Can you imagine the decision making process for an opposing Quarterback?

"Hmm... throw at Revis, incomplete. Throw at Cromartie, possible pick. Throw at the Island, throw at the ballhawk. Throw at... crap I just got sacked by Shaun Ellis."

Let's go Tennenbaum, make this happen.

If Anyone Read This Blog, I'd Submit the Following for a 'Write a Caption' Contest

2010-02-15T08:37:00.000-08:00

Reading SI's Peter King, post-Super Bowl is always a little sad. The party is over. Nothing to analyze, nothing to think about whether or not he thinks he thinks it.

Fortunantly, this is the picture leading his Monday Morning Quarterback article this week.

Hmmm... where to begin?

1) We have the obviously uncomfortable Drew Brees, decked out in an outfit Caligula would consider a bit gaudy.

Listen, I get it. New Orleans was ravaged, the nation cared for a minute or two. Then we went about our business while the city battled Detroit for the title of 'American Metropolis That Most Resembles Sarajevo'. The Saints should be playing in San Antonio. They aren't. The football team deserves a little credit as the rally point for New Orleans. They're excited. Mardi Gras Part Deux. Ok.

But that does not excuse the party planning committee from taking some heat on this one. The man is celebrating a Super Bowl victory. Yet his face betrays the fact that he is either irreparably embarrassed or is straining to hold back a late-night tequila hangover bowel movement.

Look at his right hand! "Do I grab the side of the float? Do I wave? Do I alligator-arm it with a weak fist at my side because I can't think about anything besides what a complete and utter ninny I think I look like?"

2) The glove. Oh, the glove. Why is he wearing it? Who put that on him? I'm quite sure some genius with a PhD in Roman Fashion wanted to get the costume just right; but do you know what that looks like to me and 99.9% of the rest of the country? It looks like Drew Brees has no idea who Tommie Smith and John Carlos are.

3) Don't believe me? Think I'm just another member of the PC police here to ruin everybody's fun? Do me a favor and ask the black dude biting his lower lip behind Brees what he thinks.

CORRECTION: The photo is not from the Saints Super Bowl parade. Its from the Baccus parade. Which is just one of a number of parades/celebrations in the run-up to Mardi Gras. Points 1, 2 and 3 remain unchanged.

The Fantasy Baseball Commissioner. A Comedic Tragedy. Act I, Scene II - 'We Can't Have the Draft on March 27th, It's My MeeMaw's Birthday'

2010-02-11T09:53:00.000-08:00

There are seventeen days left to pay dues. Barely half the league is in. I am unsurprised.

Yahoo opened up its Fantasy Baseball leagues today and I immediately registered. Invites will go out to managers (those current on dues) when I get home from work today.

My email to the group informing them of this and additionally, what the league format (stats, positions, etc) looked like this year has been greeted with the usual fanfare.

For the next 43 days my inbox will be clogged with well-thought-out suggestions, desperate pleas, froth-mouthed tirades and general ill-will. It will be my job to navigate the vitriol and identify those ideas that have the potential to improve the league and those that Rahm Emanual would have to apologize for reacting to, had he heard them.

Luckily, running a fantasy baseball league is a pretty subjective task. So long as the skin is thick enough and the desire is to run a respectable operation, it isn't too terribly difficult.

One aspect of putting this whole thing together that seems simple but never is, is the draft. All the managers have 9 to 5ish jobs. The draft can take up to 4 hours. Ok, so we're doing it on the weekend. Great.

But some people can't do it on Saturdays because they chose teaching as a profession and depend on Saturday's for supplemental income. Some can't do Sunday before 1pm because they go to church. Others can't do too late in the evenings because they have to wake up early. Some are traveling on the 21st, some have girlfriends that need to be taken out for their 8 month anniversary...

I give and I give. I sacrifice so much. I ask for so little. I ask for 4 hours of their lives once a year. And with those 4 hours I orchestrate a pasttime that keeps them entertained for nearly 6 months. Yet somehow there is no possible way to alter their schedule.

I'm quite positive I'll miss a softball game in the park on what should be a beautiful late-March afternoon. Would I dare bring that up as an excuse to move the draft? Of course not. I'm going to selflessly lock myself in the guest bedroom and ignore the world instead.

If you aren't on that level, what in the hell are you still doing in the league?

Anybody Know if Tracy Porter is a Free Agent?

2010-02-08T05:52:00.000-08:00

I spent my Super Bowl evening with some friends that were decidedly NFL neutral. Lots of Tennessee fans that were cheering for Peyton based on alumni-affiliation.

Me, I brought the Chrebet jersey voo-doo and compared every detail of the game at hand to the one from two weeks ago. I apologized frequently for doing so, but never stopped.

So with New Orleans grabbing a slim lead late in the 3rd, Peyton began what looked like his comeback march. What type of routes was he throwing to? You guessed it. Slants, mostly to Garcon. What was I doing? Informing everyone, with my voice elevated due to moderate inebriation, that someone needed to 'jump a slant'. All Peyton was going to do was throw slant routes to Frenchmen, just like he did in the Jets game and 'for the love of god, why won't somebody jump a friggin' slant route?'.

And then someone did. Tracy Porter, the guy with the awesome haircut, stepped up and ended the game.

Good for the Saints, they deserve it. I wonder if New Orleans is on fire yet?

Told You So...

2010-02-05T07:15:00.000-08:00

Rex Ryan's middle finger salute in Miami was encited by at least one threatening fan; according to FoxSports' Jay Glazer, the obnoxious fan spit at the Jets esteemed field general.

You stay classy, 'Fins fans.

Dear Georgia Drivers,

2010-02-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

I read something interesting today. From the Georgia Department of Driver Services 2009 Driver's Manual:

"A flashing yellow light means you must slow down and exercise caution before proceeding through the intersection."

Now maybe it's just me, but nowhere in that sentence do I see the phrase 'come to a full and complete stop'. It took me 25 minutes today to get from Hosea L Williams Drive to Freedom Parkway. Unacceptable Atlanta. Unacceptable.

From the 'No Duh Department' -- Kovalchuk Trade Imminent

2010-02-04T09:58:00.000-08:00

Ilya Kovalchuk and his agent have been told by the Atlanta Thrashers (I originally typed 'Trashers'. You win again Sigmund.) that he will be traded. The expectation is that the trade will be finalized this weekend. The LA Kings are said to be the most likely destination. Other possibilities are the Rangers, Devils, Bruins, Flyers and Flames.

Having lived in Atlanta for over five years now, I can tell you truthfully that I tried to be a Thrashers fan. I went to games, I cheered, I paid $8 for 12 ounce beers, I even got one of those cool Blueland scarves.

What have the Thrashers ever given me in return? One lockout, 3 seasons with no playoffs and a Southeastern Conference Champions banner that is a complete joke. They ended up getting swept by the New York Rangers. In Round 1 of the playoff tourney. Ugh.

They traded Hossa. They never make any deadline moves, unless they're freeing up cap space. Lehtonan has the gimpiest groin in the history of groins and... I don't know... They are simply void of personality. They don't score, they don't hit... they simply flounder just outside of the 8th seed all season, teasing Atlanta (is it still teasing if nobody cares?) with playoff talk, only to completely fall apart in the final month of the season, leaving anyone who might have had positive opinion on their chances to feel like a complete moron.

Honestly, I think the master plan might be complete. All the Trashers have to do is not draft or trade for anyone who might help them win games. Keep from being exciting whatsoever to keep the city's interest minimal. (Shouldn't be hard in the worst sports town with 1 team in each of the big 4.) And not make the playoffs for 3 more years. At that point they should be terrible enough to be moved up to Hartford for the glorious re-incarnation of the Whalers franchise.

I Promise That All Soccer Posts Will Be Non-Soccer Related

2010-02-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

Say what you will about the MLS. (Inferior talent, lousy fan bases, low pay, they play soccer) But I don't remember anyone ever going over to Brian McBride's house to set his car on fire.

DeMarcus Beasley, midfielder for the US national team and Glasgow Rangers of the Scottish Premier League expereinced just that on Monday evening.

This isn't the first time Beasley had to file a car insurance claim on account of Scottish soccer "fans". His car was broken into late in 2008 along with the vehicles of several other Rangers.

Having never approached my vehicles only to be dismayed at the sight of it engulfed in flames, I imagine that it goes something like the second to last scene of The Big Lebowski... "Well, they did it. They finally did it... They killed my effing car."

DeMarcus, if I may... Some advice for if you ever find them.

Oh, and dude. Chicago, Philly, LA, DC, Dallas and Houston all have MLS teams. Perhaps you could both play soccer and not live in a state of constant fear? Just a suggestion.

Sanchez to Have Surgery on Left Knee

2010-02-02T06:18:00.000-08:00

The New York Daily News is reporting today that Mark Sanchez has opted for sugery on his long-injured left knee. The procedure is said to be minor and Jets officials are confident that Mark will be ready to go "well before" the beginning of training camp. The knee has bothered Sanchez since he dislocated the knee cap prior to his Junior year at Southern Cal.

Rex Treats Dolphins Fans Like... Well, Dolphins Fans

2010-02-01T10:12:00.000-08:00

So Rex Ryan flipped the double bird to the crowd at an MMA fight in Miami. So what?

Firstly, I can only imagine what sort of demented vitriol the unwashed masses of Dade County, especially those that choose to attend MMA events, are capable of unleashing. So Rex was more than likely provoked.

Secondly, they're Dolphins fans. A fan base so removed from its glory years (not to mention the plane of reality) that most '13' shoulder tattoos have faded to the point of illegibility from excessive tank-top wearing and general poor hygiene. Who cares?

Raising the middle finger to these folks is akin to stopping to have a conversation with a violent vagrant on exactly why you don't have 39 cents: Fruitless at best and increases your chances of being stabbed by someone with less teeth than fingers, three-fold. At least.

Rex. I urge you to rescind your apology. It's the right thing to do.

The Fantasy Baseball Commissioner. A Comedic Tragedy. Act I - 'Please Send Me $50'

2010-01-29T11:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not really a hobby guy. I don't put together model airplanes and I don't run marathons. I suppose I must cop to an affinity for Queens of the Stone Age concert posters... but it's nothing that merits being defined as a 'collection'. Plus, having most of them stolen by your roommate senior year of college (I know it was you Joseph. You broke my heart.) sort of takes the wind out of it.

Blogging? Eh. I still lie and tell people I'm doing it to learn HTML. If you're not 100% proud of it, it's not a hobby.

But do you know what I'll freely admit to? What I'll shout from atop a table in a crowded, fancy restaurant? Why I'll force a new girlfriend to watch the entirety of a Dodgers/Giants game with me in September? Do you?

I love fantasy baseball.

I love everything about it. I love the things about it that anger me, frustrate me and especially those things about it that are nearly impossible to explain to loved ones as to why they aren't a complete waste of time, energy and intellect.

From pre-season research to draft time, the daily grind of the season, haggling over trades, the playoffs, nothing beats it. A fantasy baseball team is like a delicate Bonsai tree. It requires daily attention. Yes, it's a giant pain in the ass. But if you have the patience to care for it properly, it can be a great source of pride. Unfortunately, like the Bonsai, even the most meticulous care does not guarantee success. Months of love and hard work can be cruelly discarded with one injury, one random off year or worse, the damned good fortune of competing managers.

It's this seeming impossibility of success I enjoy. I enjoy it because if you're lucky enough to overcome the odds and win it all, its a feeling like none I can describe. I imagine it’s sort of like seeing your first born son take his first step, say his first word, drink his first beer, win his first fight and graduate from an Ivy League university all in one day. Let me tell ya, it's awesome.

Do you know what I hate about fantasy baseball?

Being Commissioner.

This year will be my 5th as Commissioner of a league made up of college buddies. The league started while we were in school and continued as a way to keep in touch with friends and fellow baseball fanatics.

After a disastrous season in which managers gave up halfway through and players were traded for handles of vodka, I volunteered to take the reigns. All humility aside, I saved the league. In year 1, managers were replaced, stat packages were streamlined and a solid season was put together. By year 2, I was collecting dues and purchased a trophy which would be passed from winner to winner with their names engraved on it, Stanley Cup style. At this point I'm proud of the league like I'm proud of a championship fantasy team.

But I must confess that, at times, I'd rather be chased down and torn to shreds by a pack of hungry baboons than deal with the managers and administrative tasks that come with the role of fantasy baseball commissioner.

I cannot think of a more thankless job. Garbage man, police officer, public defender, waiter... they all come close. But none of these individuals will ever know the feeling of creating something so special and unique, sharing it with nine to thirteen of their best friends and then being completely shat upon for 8 months by those same friends.

The stats suck, there's too many managers, there aren't enough managers, let's get rid of the UTL spot, what does that do to designated hitters, I want two reliever spots, I want three, what should minimum innings be set at, is streaming ok, how many teams should make the playoffs, I always get lask pick in the draft, this manager doesn't try anymore, let's replace him with this guy, let's not...

It's enough to drive you absolutely nuts. And this is if you adopt the style of a consensus commissioner. This is my style. I try to look at the league as objectively as possible and garner input from all the managers to try and make the league enjoyable for everyone. Except me.

The alternative is the iron-fist style of commissioning...

This is my league. This what the rules are. If you don't like it, G.F.Y.

I find this style useful for public leagues that are open to anyone where someone simply has to set the rules, advertise them and wait for people to join that find those rules acceptable.

So being the crowd-pleasing wuss of a good friend that I am, every January right after the new year, I send out the anxiously awaited 'Welcome to Fantasy Baseball' email.

Yes. I am aware that the regular season doesn't being until mid-April. No, starting the process in January is in fact NOT too early.

I am currently in the process of collecting dues. Dues are a respectable $50 and fund trophy engraving/shipping, league administration and fabulous cash prizes including the despicable usage of hallmark cards that are intended to be serious, but under our manufactured circumstances are hilariously inappropriate.

A month in and only two individuals (including myself) have paid. Literally dozens of emails were sent. I eventually had to open up my PayPal account so that my shockingly lazy friends didn't hurt themselves while getting together a check, an envelope and a stamp. Dues collection is one of those processes that requires a bit of totalitarian rule, I have a hard date of February 28th set for collections. Everybody will get in on time. But only because I am forced to make pathetically idle threats.

69 Days Until Opening Day

2010-01-25T05:53:00.000-08:00

What a fantastic 27:49 worth of football the Jets played.

We looked sharp. We were getting to Peyton Manning, made some great plays on offense, the defense did its thing... I even managed to establish a crowd pleasing psychic link with Mark Sanchez just prior to his play-action 80-yard bomb to start the second quarter, calling the exact play before it happened.

And then, after a Jay Feely field-goal with 2:11 remaining in the half, I became overwhelmed with a sense of unease. Up by 11 this close to halftime, you'd think I'd be full of confidence, but no. I'd seen this before.

Peyton managed suddenly remembered who he was and took all of 58 seconds to march down the field, plant 7 on us and cut our lead to 4. It was at that point, I knew we were in trouble. And during halftime, what is supposed to by my girlfriend's window of opportunity to converse meaningfully with me during Jets games, was ruined.

I don't remember much about the 2nd half except that Peyton threw to 89 slant routes and the Jets never jumped one of them. He used Revis Island as his own personal nuclear testing site and some guy with a French name smoked us for like 42 catches and 11 touchdowns. The only post-halftime positive was that I didn't repeat my '99 AFC Championship game performance, managing not to sob at any point during the evening.

Well, At Least They Aren't Lacking Confidence...

2010-01-22T06:31:00.000-08:00

These are very strange times for Jets fans. Wonderful. But strange.

For the twenty-two years I've cheered for this team, I've grown to accept and love them in spite of (and because of ) their role as loveable losers. Given, we've had our moments here and there, but this year there has been a sweeping culture change. Rex Ryan has given the team an agressive style of play and an unabashed bravado that is sure to win over new fans, infuriate our enemies and generally confuse the crap out of old ones.

So when I hear the news that the New York Jets are hawking AFC Champion gear on the team site... I become puzzled.

The circa '96 Jets fan in me bemoans the hubris.

Why the hell are we doing this to ourselves? Don't we know how this ride ends? We face possibly the greatest quarterback of all time on Sunday who is no doubt planning to throw 15 balls over our blitzing linebackers and to his tight end to the tune of 3 touchdowns... now is not the time to be carelessly jinxing ourselves.

But if Rex has taught me anything this year, its the power of confidence. The team didn't get to where it is because they were polite, respected others' opinions of them and played within themselves. The Jets are playing in the AFC Championship this Sunday because they responded to doubt and criticism with a wry smile and an 'Oh, we'll see about that' attitude.

So in the spirit of this newfound confidence, my Jets 2010 AFC Champs shirt is in the mail. It is my sincere hope that I can begin wearing it proudly (and confidently) when it arrives, instead of shamefully burying it in the bottom of my dresser.

Liberals Love Revis

2010-01-22T05:35:00.000-08:00

Can't even begin to tell you how excited I am that my favorite liberal e-rag has an article on the unheralded position of NFL cornerback with Revis in the spotlight.

Poor Little Bastard

2010-01-20T05:52:00.000-08:00

Nothing like relegating your newborn son to a life of futility and heartbreak.

Backing Into the AFC Championship Game

2010-01-18T10:12:00.000-08:00

The New York Jets outlasted the San Diego Chargers last night, held on early and wore them down late en route to a 17-14 victory.

The victory gives the Jets their first AFC Championship game since the 1998-99 season. It was the year John Elway was ordained by God to win the Super Bowl and the last time anybody saw me cry.

Despite their recent string of success, the Jets are only capable of eliciting at best, left handed compliments from the major sports news outlets. Game recaps span the entire article without mentioning the team San Diego lost to last night. Nate Kaeding lost the game with three missed field goals. Phillip Rivers lost the game with two 2nd half interceptions. Whoever that idiot on the Chargers was that kicked the challenge flag lost the game.

The Jets didn't win anything. They backed into the playoffs. They backed into their win over Cincinnati last week. They backed their way into a west-coast victory against San Diego in which they enforced their will, played strong defense, fatigued the Charger defense with a bruising ground attack and eventually brought the wall down when Shonn Greene took a 53-yarder to paydirt in the 4th quarter to make it a two-possession game.

The Jets, who led the NFL during the regular season in both rushing yards and total defense have now backed their way into the AFC Championship game.

Beginning in week 16, I would have considered anything that happened after a play-off birth icing on the cake. But then there was no reason we shouldn't have repeated a win against the Bengals. And then there was no reason we couldn't win against a San Diego team that we matched up very well against. So pardon me if I don't think there's any reason we can't play to our strengths yet again and steal one away from a pass-oriented team with an undersized defense.

I think this team, thanks to Rex Ryan, has finally found a way to feed off the disrepect routinely aimed at the franchise. Jersey B, 'Same Old Jets', etc. This is a team that is critized for its big-mouth and swagger, but without them, I don't think they'd be nearly as successful.

I welcome the criticism and the disrepect leveled at the Jets. I appreciate the hate. Because this Jets fan will be just fine if the general consensus is that we backed our way into a Super Bowl.

When Sticking Up For Yourself Goes Wrong

2010-01-18T08:50:00.000-08:00

I attended the Hawks/Suns game here in Atlanta on Friday with my brother and three friends. One member of the posse had pre-purchased tickets so we had them in our hands while pre-partying over at my brother's apartment.

If I had any advice for the youth of America, it would be to take a close look at each ticket before leaving for the game. That, or always drink one less beer than you are able to at the pre-party.

Arriving at Section 217, Row B of Phillips arena, our group of five was surprised to find five seats divided by what appeared to be a seat-stealing family of three. Starting from mid-row that's 3 open, 3 occupied, 2 open for those playing the home version of our game. Quickly conferring with the two friends immediately behind me we confirm that we're holding tickets for the three open seats in the middle of the row.

Before proceeding with the rest of the story, you should know that there is little on this Earth that infuriates me more than people not sitting in the seats that they paid for at sporting events. This isn't the movie theatre people. You can't just sit where you want, all willy-nilly. The seat number is printed on your ticket for a reason. To sit elsewhere is to invite chaos.

So as we begin to take our seats, I inform the matriarch of the seat stealing clan that we are a group of five, with five tickets together and that possibly they had mis-sat themselves.

"We're season ticket holders." The Matriarch quickly snaps.

Season ticket holders. To the Atlanta Hawks. Shoooore you are. I can barely constrain my fury as I take my seat. My brother and the final friend bring up the rear and take the two seats book-ending these phonies.

"Mike. Chill out. Don't worry about it." My brother says from three seats down when I know he should be sitting next to me, our group of five a cohesive unit. The way the gods of sports spectating had intended our evening to go.

I fume and bide my time while plotting the scheme to set this straight. I won't let these seat-poachers ruin our evening. My friends are going to sit together come hell or high-water. And if they're too spineless (or easygoing) to care, well then its on me. My time to shine.

The first time out of the game is called and I rise to my feet. "Excuse me ma'am. My friends and I bought these tickets together and we'd appreciate it if we could sit together."

"I don't like your tone. You are very rude. No. We're not moving."

I'm howling now. "Oh we'll see about that." I'm knotted up in anger as I hurriedly make my way through the row. Bounding down the steps I locate the nearest usher.

"Excuse me. I have some folks in our seats and I need your help in removing them."

The usher and I take the short walk over to Section 217, Row B and the scene has already changed. My brother and friend are no longer on the end. They're in Row C. A new couple is in Row B. My brother is frantically shaking his head, telling me to forget it.

I don't listen. I can't. I've come too far. Time to set things right.

The usher asks the family of three for their tickets. The Matriarch hasn't broken eye contact with me. Her air of confidence as she shows her ticket to the usher has me questioning my decision for the first time. There's no possible way that...

Brother Dan leans in... "Mike, our seats are split. We have three in B and two in C.

My heart sinks. By this time the usher has confirmed everyone is where they should be. The Matriarch's facial expression exudes self-righteous victory. As well it should.

I do my best to look her in the eye and eat my crow. She only just barely accepts my second apology. I can't blame her.

The remainder of my evening is spent arms folded, completely embarrassed, silent. Each departure from and return to my seat for beer and bathroom is more humiliating the one before. My evening is beyond repair.

Jamal Crawford hits a buzzer-beating trey to steal the game from Phoenix. I could care less.

Check your tickets. All of them. Be sure you know the people in your seats are poachers before you decide to be a hero. There's nothing worse than making a false accusation. An innocent person ends up insulted and you come off looking like a giant douche.

So to the Matriarch, I humbly apologize one more time. I had no idea people actually bought Hawks season tickets.

Vlad Signs With Rangers

2010-01-12T09:51:00.000-08:00

One of the things I hate about sports is that it is a constant reminder of my getting older. And that I never realized my childhood dream of playing first base for a professional baseball team.

Excuse me. I need to compose myself for a moment... ok. Better.

Vladamir Guerrero is one of those players I grew up with. He started his career when I was but a pimply high school freshman and by the time I was a pimply graduate he had 91 career homers and 281 RBIs.

Whatching Vlad in his hey-day was a sight to behold. He swung at literally everything. He once recorded a base hit on a ball that hit the dirt in front of home plate. He still refuses to wear batting gloves, opting instead to cover his helmet in pine-tar and touch that whenever he feels he needs some more grip. But for all the accolades he received for his unorthodox presence at the plate, I always thought his coolest asset was the laser-guided bazooka arm he'd occasionally fire from right field.

So after 14 seasons in the majors, Guerrero signed on Saturday with the Texas Rangers. Vladdy is coming off a 2009 season in which he played the fewest regular season games he had since his rookie year in '97. His knees are nearly shot after 8 seasons on the godforsaken Olympic Stadium turf. He hacks like he did when he was a rookie, overcompensating for the skills worn away by age. He'll be a downright ancient 35 come February.

But Vlad is one of those players I'll cheer for until he literally can't do it anymore. He can stay as long as he wants. It's one thing to be a great player (his 27 HR, .303 line in 2008 tied Lou Gehrig's record of 11 consecutive seasons with at least 25/.300) but Guerrero's most admirable trait is his complete inability to play the game any different than most of us did when we were kids... reckless, passionate, in love with the game. And who knows, as a DH in the Ranger's Ameriquest bandbox, perhaps Vlad can rest his knees enough to have a few more prodigious offensive seasons?

Here's hoping so. Vlad deserves another season or five of glory.

The Arizona Republic Uses My Blog To Research Their Stories. I Think.

2010-01-12T08:28:00.000-08:00

Hey, Arizona Republic. Old news.

Does this mean I get to monetize?

If My Last Name Were Rizzo,

2010-01-08T09:40:00.000-08:00

...and I lived in Washington DC and I was the General Manager for the local professional ballclub, this feel-good fluff piece would interest me greatly.

Brandon Webb, or 'Brandon Mother-Effing Webb' as I referred to him throughout the duration of the 2009 season for tearing a giant hole in my fantasy team, will be auditioning for a new contract in 2010. His reputation as an inning-eating ace was tarnished in 2009 as he pitched exactly 4 innings. The mysterious malady was never successfully diagnosed, but rest and rehab apparently have him ready to go for 2010.

He'd better be. The 30 year old could put himself in a position to demand some big money next offseason. All he has to do is sniff his career numbers of 3.27 ERA, 1.24 WHIP, 7.2 K/9 and he should be the most sought-after free agent pitcher in 2011.

Enter the Nationals. And my probable warped expectations.

Webb enjoys playing in Arizona. He likes the fact that the media isn't large enough to be intrusive and that he can walk down the street without being mobbed.

Sound familiar? Hey Zimm. Maybe you could make a phone call.

Most intriguing to me however...

"We've had a great time in Arizona, and if everything works out and we stay here, that would be good. But to get back close to home [in Kentucky] would be just as good. I'm definitely keeping it open. I'm not going to hold myself down to just Arizona."

Ooh! Ooh! Brandon! Did you know that the Kentucky border is a mere 430 miles from Washington DC? And that the Blue Ridge Mountains are really pretty to drive through? And that despite being ranked in the top 15 in team value, the Nationals are typically ranked in the bottom 6 or 7 in payroll? Isn't that interesting? I thought so too.

Too Nervous to Blog...

2010-01-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

...so instead I'm going to do my best Peter King imitation.

Unless I'm way more biased that I think I am (completely within the realm of believeability), the Jets/Benglas rematch taking place on Saturday has had the most pre-game excitement behind it. There are some bold claims and downright outlandish accusations flying back and forth. Essentially, folks are opening wide in case they'll need to iert a foot come Saturday evening.

Chad Ochocinco insists that his Bengals treated last week's 37-0 trouncing at the hands of the J-E-T-S "similar to a preseason game." Ok Chad. Let's try to catch a pass next week.

Tailfeathers are ruffling over Coach Rex Ryan's claim, upon hearing the Jets were 40-1 longshots to take home the Lombardi Trophy, that "...we should be favorites." Not sure what the big deal is there. If I'm the head coach of an NFL team I hope I'd be confident in my team as well. Heaven forbid a coach actually voices the opinion in public.

I was reading Jay Mariotti's Fanhouse site (though I don't know why, listening to him on TV is brutal. So low and behold I discover that even reading Mariotti gives me a headache) and of course he is up in arms about the lack of integrity shown by playoff bound teams in the final few weeks of the season. I don't disagree. However, I also don't blame the teams. They're in, in some cases they've clinched home field advantage. Pack it in. Protect the players who got you there and gird loins for the playoffs.

Mariotti was incensed that NFL teams would violate the trust of their fans, going so far as to exclaim:

"Nothing is more sacred than the trust between a sport and its paying customers that teams really are trying their damndest to win every game, regardless of circumstances."

Let's break that down, shall we?

Nothing is more sacred that the trust between a sport and its paying customers... are you sure, Jay? The Baltimore Colts. Art Modell's Browns. The Seattle Supersonics. Whalers/Nordiques/Winnipeg Jets. No, I'm not going to mention the Expos. Montreal didn't deserve them. And yes, much of that last statement is based on my being a Nationals fan. How about every state-of-the-art, technologically advanced, tax-payer money pit of a stadium that's been built in the last 20 years? How about the skyrocketing ticket prices that keep teams like the Yankees from filling their seats? It would seem to me that this trust is sacred merely in name only.

Teams are trying their damndest to win every game regardless of circumstances. Of course they're not. Towards the end of the season, starters get rested. In every sport. Fact of life. The reason it is such a contentious issue in the NFL is because there are about 65 fewer games in football than in the other big 3 sports. Records are closer. Only so many spots. Teams in the middle are killing themselves trying to get in while the elite are thinking about how to win it all. And as well they should. If you can win your first 14 games, you've earned the right to do whatever the hell you want with the last two.

So to all you furious Houston Texans fans who are beside yourselves over Cincinnati phoning it in during week 17, maybe you should review your schedule. You dropped 2 the Jags, let one slip against the Titans and... oh yeah, lost to the Jets in week one. That would have been a handy tie-breaker to have, huh?

I hate watching Jets playoff games. Ecspecially as a lower seed when our chances of taking it all the way are slim. I have a feeling the outcome the game, one way or another, will be pretty clear come halftime. At which point I'm going to pack it up, head down to Phillips arena and boo the hometeam mercilessly as OV and the Capitals come to Atlanta to terrorize the Thrashers.

BOOM SHAKA-LAKA!!!

2010-01-05T12:38:00.000-08:00

NBA Jam is coming back. Exclusive on the Wii. Thought you should know.

If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion... include rosters from the original. It'll provide a nice sales boost from us old timers and provide me some nice smack talking opportunities when I enevitably have to go to war with Shay's nephews.

Zach and Cade... allow me to introduce you to the late, great Wayman Tisdale & Mitch Richmond.

Agent Zero, Teammate, Make Preparations For Coming Zombie Apocalypse

2010-01-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

Gilbert Arenas and Washington Wizards teammate, Javaris Crittenton allegedly pulled guns on one another on Christmas Eve in the Verizon Center lockeroom, ESPN reported on Saturday.

Thankfully, the truth has surfaced. And starting today sports news outlets don't have to waste another moment of our time reporting what an incredibly stupid thing an obscenely wealthy professional athlete did with a gun.

Monday Night Miracles is relieved to report that Gil and Javaris were simply comparing and contrasting strategies for how best to repel a shuffling horde of the bloodthirsty undead.

"Zero brought the three handguns to practice because on the previous flight home, we engaged in a spirited but friendly debate on what firearms were best suited to incapacitate a zombie." Crittenton said. "His position was that a small cache of handguns could be stored on the body for a quick transition from fight to flight or vice versa. While I concede that elements of his strategy have merit, I maintain that some handguns often lack the force to penetrate a human skull and effectively destroy the brain."

"Man, J was trying to feed me that 'Blades Don't Need Reloading' bull but I wasn't hearin' it" countered Arenas. "What I look like to you, one of them crazy fools outta Kill Bill or somethin'? Man, when I'm outta ammo I am gone. I ain't taken up no valuable carrying space for some cumbersome-ass baseball bat or samurai sword. That just don't make no sense."

Arenas continued "Think about it man, you gonna go all nose to nose with some brain eatin' fool, crack'em upside the head with your Easton and what happens? What happens man? Blood and brains and little repugnant-ass bits of skull go flying, bound to get all up in your eyes and mouth and junk. Next thing you know you all hungry for brains. Ya know? No way man, not me, ya heard? I mean J is a brave dude, but I think he slightly erroneous on this one."

So while ESPN and Sports Illustrated can trip all over themselves printing retractments and apologizing for sullying the reputations of these young men, we should take care not to forget the lesson taught to us by Arenas and Crittenton: The importance of preparation. For when your next door neighbor crashes through your living room window and tries to eat your daughter, will you be ready to put your anti-zombie plan into action? Or will you simply shit your pants?

Holy Crap We Did It.

2010-01-04T06:19:00.000-08:00

I knew it all along.

After enduring a regular season full of turmoil and disappointment, the New York Jets laid a serious pounding upon the Cincinnati Bengals last night to clinch a playoff spot.

The Jets played to their strengths, relying on Jones, Greene and Brad Smith for 232 of the team's 257 rushing yards. The defense absolutely terrorized the Bengals offense, holding them to an incredible 72 total yards and creating 3 turnovers. Carson Palmer was embarrassed, netting zero yards on 11 attempts.

Mark Sanchez was limited to 16 pass attempts through three and a half quarters. He completed half and went for 63 yards.

While the Bengals rested a healthy Cedric Benson, the rest of their starters played the majority of the game. That is what should worry Bengals fans. Yes, they had a playoff spot clinched and were going to be mindful of player health... but their starters, on both sides of the ball, got torched. The defense gave up 27 points before halftime.

Cincinnati's offense fared worse. On five of six drives led by Carson Palmer, the Bengals managed one first down, 48 yards and no points. Palmer was intercepted by Dwight Lowery on the only drive that the Bengals managed to enter Jet territory.

The Jets win sets up a rematch against these same Bengals (plus their starting running back) on Saturday. The Jets have to be feeling confident after the drubbing they dished out last night. They seem to have finally become comfortable relegating Mark Sanchez to the third offensive threat behind the running game and wildcat. The defense has been continually dominant all year. They are loose, fast and unpredictable.

Next week's Bengals won't be exactly the same, but they'll be damn close. They'll be at home, but the Jets have shown their ability to dominate pretty much every matchup. All the remains is to do it again.

And to Atlanta Comcast... please check the connections on your NBC feed. Watching the final three quarters of this game was reminiscent of adolescent evenings, sneaking downstairs to watch scrambled soft-core pornography, only more frustrating.

Edwards Guarantees Victory, Jets Fans Guarantee to Demolish Stadium Themselves After Loss

2009-12-31T07:59:00.000-08:00

With one game to go in a season full of tumultuous ups and downs, the New York Jets have a 'win and in' game at home against a Cincinnati Bengals team projected to rest their starters. I've officially put away my grumpy pants. You'll hear no more bitter, Jets fan sarcasm out of me.

That was of course, until our number one receiver pulled a Joe Willie and guaranteed victory. Braylon Edwards who, thanks to a late start to the season and a rush oriented offense has managed to stay off the NFL dropped passes leaderboard, touted that "We won't lose this game,".

Braylon... every professional odds-maker has you guys favored. All you have to do is keep it close for a half and then beat up on some Bengals bench players who can't be any better than the Colts you beat up on last week. Guaranteeing victory over a team that has folded their tent for the regular season cannot help things whatsoever. In fact, if anybody even remembers you said this around midnight on Sunday, it will be because we lost. Thanks a pantload.

Coupled with the news that alcohol will not be sold at the Meadowlands during the entire game, I'm thinking that at the very least, this game great 'shit-show' potential. I've never understood the thinking behind alcohol bans at stadiums. I'm pretty sure this just means the parking lot will be extra rowdy and the Jets will be sacrificing the 900% profit made off of each $10 beer in the last game prior to a salary-cap free year. Oh, to be there for the halftime smokebreak at Gate D.

This is the last game to be played in ~~Giants Stadium~~ the Meadowlands and win or lose (but especially lose), I'm sure Jets fans will be in rare form.

In Defense of America's National Pastime

2009-12-31T07:43:00.000-08:00

Simply a great article on the history and current state of the greatest game on earth.

Mike Leach Is An Idiot

2009-12-30T11:29:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to make this a bit more readable for those that don't happen to be ardent Jets/Nats fans... and because as a blogger living in Georgia I'm legally required to post at least once a month on NCAA football, I'll reluctantly wade into the ongoing Mike Leach cesspool.

You know Mike Leach, head ballcoach for the Texas Tech Red Raiders up until about an hour ago and member of the 2009 post-game press conference hall of fame.

Leach stands accused of forcing player Adam James of standing upright for a few hours in a shed and then a 'dark room' on two seperate occasions after the coach suspected James of faking a concussion to get out of practice. Players, coaches and others connected to the team have rushed to the coach's side, citing Leach's dedication to his players and calling into question Adam James' work-ethic and commitment to the team.

Let's just clear something up off the get-go... If this is true, Mike Leach is an idiot.

If James is the me-first, locker-room cancer he is purported to be, cut him. In this day and age, a public figure of any sort, let alone one responsbile for the well being of college athletes would have to be brain dead not to understand that devising a player punishment that resembled a passive agressive Bush-era torture technique would get you fired in oh... about 36 hours after the news got out. James is a peripheral team-member, literally like the 8th string wide receiver, nobody likes him. Get him outta there.

Anybody know who Adam James' father is? It's this guy. I think its very telling that at no point during Leach's thought process did he stop for a moment to wonder who one of the first people Adam James might relate detailed information of his punishment to? Um, his ESPN on-air personality of a father, perhaps?

Lastly, the doctor for the Texas Tech football team confirmed the mild-concussion diagnosis for Adam James. The same doctor also admitted that Leach's punishment had no impact on the player's condition and that he wasn't in danger. Ok. Fair enough. Possible conflict of interest aside, has anybody been watching pro or college football pro this year? As a coach of a Division I NCAA football team, I refuse to believe Mike Leach has never heard of the stepped up concern and rules put in place to protect players from concussions.

Even if Coach Leach had no desire to punish James or didn't think he was faking, maybe he'd go out of his way to protect a player that is complaining of an injury that is football's cause-du-jour? Maybe simply to keep from being the posterboy of what can go wrong when complaints and/or symptoms of a concussion are ignored? Maybe?

As coach of an NFL or NCAA team, a position lucrative enough to afford a personal attorney, you'd think when discussing potential liability issues you'd sit down and agree upon two things that simply must happen all the time... 1) Keep players hydrated and make sure they aren't dying on the practice field. 2) Take concussions seriously to make sure your players don't suffer from brain damage later in life.

I don't have an issue with coaches disciplining players. I don't have an issue with coaches embarassing players, calling them out for a lack of work ethic or devising creative punishments so long as they are designed to motivate. What I have an issue with is stupidity.

Look Kids, It's Matt Capps!

2009-12-30T07:40:00.000-08:00

So the Nats contract with 'Everyday' Eddie is a minor league one. Ok, I'll ease up on the guy. It'll be nice to have him giving pointers to our kids and the experienced arm (albeit a liver-spotted one) waiting in the wings in case of an injury.

In an addition to the pro-ballclub, the Nationals signed Matt Capps to a one-year contract worth 3.5 million. You may remember Mr. Capps as one of the few Pittsburgh Pirates of 2007 & 08 who weren't awful, or maybe as one of the many in 2009 who was.

Either way, I think this move stinks and will provide the Nats bullpen with little short-term value and is all but guaranteed to provide none in the long-term.

Capps is trying out for a playoff run trade with another team late next summer. His other offers came from the Cubs and Mets where he would have faced competition for a closer role. With the Nationals, he'll all but be given the job out of spring training. From there he'll be working to erase from the league's memory his 2009 season in which he posted laughable WHIP/ERA of 1.66/5.80.

So maybe Capps will return to form and net us 20 saves before we ship him off in July to a playoff contender. The return will likely be limited due to his contract length.

There it is. I tried for 10 minutes to think of what the positive could be on this one. And that's it. A possible legit closer until we trade him to a contender at the deadline. You'll pardon my obvious enthusiasm.

Oh, did I mention that 3.5 million is a million dollar raise from his 2009 salary? Did I also mention his 2009 was his worst year ever? I did. Ok, good.

My Curtis Painter Jersey is Ordered and In the Mail

2009-12-28T08:25:00.001-08:00

After both Rexy and I had declared the Jets' playoff chances over, the stars have seemingly begun to align for an incredibly improbable Wildcard spot.

Much obliged to Colts coach Jim Caldwell who chose to pull his starters after Indy took a 15-10 lead. Going up against what was essentially a first-string practice squad, the Jets defense went to town and won us the game.

Marques Douglas fell on a fumbled football in the endzone to score the go-ahead touchdown after Calvin Pace forced Colts backup QB, Curtis Painter to cough it up. From there, the Jets just had to keep the Sanchise from doing anything dumb and hand it off to Jones and Greene who totalled 200 yards between them.

Any excitement should be tempered with the fact that #1, we benefitted greatly from the Colts deciding to rest their starters for the second half. Yes, the Jets were holding their own. But had Indy chose to let Manning and Co. finish the game, our chances would not have been good.

Second, and this is really for you bitter Broncos, Dolphins, Texans, Steelers & Titans fans... the Jets have been incredibly fortunate that the half dozen or so teams that were alive in the AFC Wildcard race two weeks ago have done a fantastic job of blowing themselves up.

While the Jets were busy doing what they could in week 15 to give the game away to the Falcons, the 'Fins (who held an all-important head to head tiebreaker against us) gave one up to Tennessee and my lovely girlfriend's Broncos were busy choking one away to Oakland. (Thanks honey!)

Last weekend was even better. The Titans tossed some dirt on themselves by getting routed by San Diego, Miami gave Houston a fatal 27 point headstart, Baltimore dropped one to the Steelers just to make us feel better and perhaps most advantageous of all, Denver couldn't complete the comeback against Philly. (Thanks again! Love ya!)

All I'm saying is, yes, we lucked out. But the other mediocre AFC teams should think twice before pouting about our good fortune in facing the Colts' second stringers. Four or five teams had the opportunity to make a move, and each of them squandered it.

Finally, we're facing a Cincinnati team that has clinched its division and could be doing some starter-resting of its own. With a little ball-hawking on defense, some dedication to the run and the continued short-leashing of Sanchez... we could be looking at a five seed. Anything after that will just be icing on a cake we don't really deserve.

Nats Sign "Everyday Is A Struggle To Get Out of Bed... Get It? Because I'm So Old..." Eddie Guardado

2009-12-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

In their ongoing quest to re-create an all-star team circa 2005, the Washington Nationals report that they are "set to sign" 39 year old relief pitcher, Eddie Guardado.

The veteran left hander and spanish-language Flomax spokesman is not a likely candidate to compete for the Nationals' closer role. Guardado, who made his 900th appearance last August, will be used primarily as a set-up man and relied on to supply a 'veteran presence' for the club.

Great. Just what we need, another player/coach. Where are Crash Davis and Jake Taylor when you need them? Oh wait, we already signed a down on his luck, end of his rope, future coach of a catcher. Nevermind.

More good news on the horizon Nats fans! Matt Capps (2009 BAA .324) is scheduled to make a decision today between Washington and the Cubs. Ooh! Ooh! Pick us Matt!

More Mediocrity from Nats Land

2009-12-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

Pending a physical, the Washington Nationals signed free agent pinch hitter/junkball starter/career disappointment, Jason Marquis on Monday. Marquis and his career 1.42 WHIP will bolster a Nationals rotation which, in 2010 is bound to include exciting names such as John Lannan, Garrett Mock and Craig Stammen.

I can't decide which is more sad... that Nats fans are excited about this move, or that signing Jason Marquis might actually be something to get excited about. This is a sign of improvement both on and off the field. Marquis is better than every other arm that took the mound for the Nats last year. And barring the signing of Eric Bedard (unlikely), the dramatic improvement of Ross Detweiler (nope), a miracle return from Jordan Zimmermann (ha) or a messiah-like arrival by Stephen Strasburg (Damn you Scott Boras! Damn you to hell!), Marquis will be our ace in 2010.

The good news is that Rizzo and Co. are showing they are not afraid to spend money. The bad news... we are still so bad that we can only sign crappy players.

The Party's Over...

2009-12-21T06:20:00.000-08:00

For all intensive purposes, the Jets' season is over. And I'm thankful. I could not have taken much more drama, hope that I knew would end in heartbreak. The Jets offense and kicking game did an incredible job of nullifying what was a tremendous game-long effort by their defense.

Sanchez threw three picks, including the game-ender. And aside from tossing a 65-yard bomb to Braylon Edwards late in the 1st, Sanchez 's efforts amounted to zero points on the board.

More damaging perhaps was the Falcons run defense which held Gang Green's NFL leading ground attack to 99 yards.

What sunk us though, was the kicking game. Jay Feely missed a field goal and had another blocked. Not to be outdone, Kellen Clemens fumbled the snap on another. That's 9 points off the board and a shining example of how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

The New York Jets, with several expections, have not played poorly this season. The have a very respectable rushing attack and an elite defense. Their record does not reflect their potential which was sunk by the quarterback position. However, I don't blame Mark Sanchez for the season's shortcomings.

The failings of this season land squarly on the shoulders of the team's braintrust. GM Mike Tannenbaum made the decision not to pursue an experienced quarterback. While Brett Favre's performance with the Vikings this year has made me more than a bit envious his relationshipship with the team was not good and he would not have come back. But there were other options out there. Personally, I don't know why we didn't sign Jeff Garcia when he became available.

Rex Ryan mistakenly believed he entrust a rookie quarterback with a playoff caliber football team. I think Sanchez showed flashes of his potential at several different points in the season, but by week 6, it was obvious he was going to be a detriment to this team's playoff hopes. Instead of taking action, or putting pressure on the front office to get him another quarterback, Rex Ryan chose to stick with Sanchez.

If we had a lesser team I would be fine with this. But the Jets deserved more this year. We had the talent to make the playoffs and win a game or two... with an experienced quarterback. Yes, Mark Sanchez is the future. But sitting him on the bench for a season and allowing him to learn from a veteran, ecspecially in hindsight, seems like the obvious move.

Let's Get Dirty

2009-12-18T18:13:00.000-08:00

It's official. Jets coach Rex Ryan has named Mark Sanchez the starter for this Sunday's game against the Falcons.

The forecast in the Meadowlands is calling for snow and Mark will be wearing double knee braces. This means nothing except for the fact he'll still be a better option at quarterback than Kellen Clemens.

Despite all the good news, Sanchez seems to keep setting himself up for ridicule... Rex Ryan told ESPN "He slid right in front of me in practice to make sure I knew he was ready to go." Awesome. He can slide now.

Even worse... "We put some of the Ugg boot stuff in his helmet, so he’s going to be warmer..." Great. We've packed a ridiculous looking bootie into our rookie quarterback's helmet. So the playbook has been color-coordinated, he finally learned how to slide and now his head will be nice and warm. Do we have the most ridiculous quarterback in the league yet? We do? Great.

What I want to know is, is he and the team aware of the successful game plan? You know, hand it off to TJ and let the defense take care of business. Let's hope so.

The Jets are favored to win and with both Michael Turner and Matt Ryan hurting for the Falcons, there are no excuses.

Prediction: Falcons 13 Jets 20

Excuse Me, Mr. Woods? Letter Here from a Mr. Artest.

2009-12-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

I could care less about the Tiger Woods story. A billionaire cheated on his wife 493 times with 74 different floozies who all look like over-inflated bicycle tires? Yawn.

That was, of course until Ron Artest got involved. Ron took a moment this morning to write a heartfelt, stream of consciousness letter to Tiger Woods... on his blog.

The letter is intended as a fellow athlete's defense of Tiger from the two-faced scrutiny of sports media personalities who "...are happy that this bad news has come out." Fair enough. Want to wag a disapproving finger at the media for peddling misery, you'll get no argument from me.

The best thing about this letter though, is that Ron gets philosophical. I mean deep. Like, a drunk friend who shares just a bit too much. In the course of a 500 word letter he manages to wax poetic on subjects such as human frailty, the infallibility of Jesus, first love, relationships, the temptation to cheat and underage sex. Please take a moment to read it so we can discuss.

...

All set? Great, let's begin.

What is up with that first section? Ron verbally projectile vomits all over the place, commending Woods on admiting his infidelity before launching into a 'who did who and when' of his own children and baby's mommas. Without a doubt my favorite line of this section is "...I still cope with the fact that there are so many women out there and I choose to stay loyal to my wife."

Is "cope" the right word there, Ron? You love your wife and children, yet you must painfully endure the fact that there are nearly 3.5 billion women out there who aren't your wife? I'm enjoying the mental image of a sweaty palmed Ron at the grocery store or getting his teeth cleaned, wrestling with his demons as he's forced to sexlessly interact with women in everyday life.

Next up, Ron delves deeper into his issues with women: "I cannot sit here and say the thought to have many women has never crossed my mind. If I were Jesus I could."

So... is he saying that if he were Jesus he could have many women? Or is it that as Jesus he would physically be able to sit there and tell us the thought to have many women has never crossed his (Jesus') mind while actually having that exact thought cross his mind? Oh Jesus, you tricky bastard.

Essentially, if Ron Artest were Jesus he would lie to us. All the time. About everything. But ecspecially about how much he doesn't want to have many women.

Wrapping up, Ron sends a few words of encouragement Tiger's way: "...us athletes know how much you personally love your family."

Throughout the letter, Ron gives the impression that's he's never met Tiger. But somehow as a member of the fraternity of professional athletes understands Tiger loves his family. The only real take-away here has to be that as a member of said professional athlete fraternity, Ron Artest understands and empathizes with Tigers seemingly robotic complusion to go out and nail every botox-laden whore he can get his caublanasian mits on while simultaneously being a devoted husband and father.

Or have I missed something? Either way, I'd like to personally thank Mr. Artest for existing and sharing with the world his unique outlook on life. Ron, you make the world a more interesting place and give men everywhere an incredibly low bar to measure up to when it comes to attempting to remain faithful to our significant others. Again, thank you Ron.

What's The Worst That Could Happen?

2009-12-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Mike Tainer of the Times' Fifth Down blog... you've read my mind.

Mr. Tainer is suggesting the Jets introduce and run the final chapter of gimmick offenses this Sunday against the hapless Bucs. He's dubbed it 'The Fat Cat' and I am all aboard:

"Thomas Jones in the Wildcat, with 10 blockers in front of him. Wayne Hunter and Robert Turner can play tight end, with Dustin Keller and Ben Hartsock at wing back and Tony Richardson at fullback. The Jets would need only three plays — left, right and middle..."

I'm honestly not sure whether this suggestion was made in jest or not. But I think running a similar formation about 30 times this weekend is well within the realm of sanity. We're looking at a matchup that pits the NFL's best rushing team against it's 31st ranked rush defense. Combine this with the fact that the Jets virtually non-existent passing game will be led by Kellen Clemens and the Fat Cat seems like a no-brainer.

It'd be the greatest gimmick offense ever. And even better, it wouldn't be a gimmick at all. It would be the ultimate throwback; a harkening back to a simpler time where the flimsiest of leather helmets was a sign of weakness and football players' faces made hockey players cringe. And just imagine if it worked! It would signal the end of the quarterback oriented offense, a new era of smashmouth football, we could rename it the 'Jumbo Jet'. It would lead us to a 10-6 win-out and a wildcard spot! Who knows from there, the possiblilities are limitless!

Sorry, I kinda got carried away there for a moment... It's frustrating clawing your way back to .500, navigating the logjam of mediocre teams that is the AFC wildcard picture. This entire season feels like one big tease and with the Colts on the schedule we're all but guaranteed to need lots of help come playoff picture time.

So, why not experiment a little? Why not use the Bucs game to make a statement? Rush for 300+ and let the defense feast on their anemic offense. Give the team something to get excited about going forward. Force a few smiles in the locker room, get guys talking about that crazy formation and how nobody could believe it really worked. Because after all, if it doesn't, we move up a few rounds in the draft. What's the worst that could happen?