Make-out session amidst the post-Game 7 Stanley Cup loss in Vancouver. Easily the best picture of the year so far.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
How to Lose Gracefully
Make-out session amidst the post-Game 7 Stanley Cup loss in Vancouver. Easily the best picture of the year so far.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Grandma's Agree With Ray Lewis, Lockout Would Lead to 'Evil'
By now you're probably familiar with the comments made bymurderer acquitted-murder crazy-person Baltimore Raven's linebacker, Ray Lewis about the effects the NFL lockout will have on our society at-large if the 2011 season is cancelled. But just in case...
"Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game,"
Interesting hypothesis, Ray. But what's your reasoning behind it?
"There's too many people that live through us, people live through us. Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."
I'm sorry Ray, but I can barely hear you over the deafening roar of your complete and utter insanity. Do you think you could try that one more time and for comprehension's sake keep it to five words or less?
"There's nothing else to do..."
Ah. Ok. Got it. People are going to commit crimes because they have nothing else to do on a Sunday. We've become too invested in the trials and tribulations of our favorite team and its players. Oh, when did we lose our way? Thank the good lord for the New York Jets; the only thing in this world keeping me away from methamphetamine and urge to batter my girlfriend when dinner is cold. (Though admittedly, that can be infuriating.)
Instead of researching what the facts and figures are before cranking up the Katy Perry and taking a giant doo-doo all over poor Ray's ego (Really Ray, people love you that much that if they can't see you once a week they're going to start kicking their dogs? Really?) let's use some simple logic:
During the football season do you know what is my #1 stressor after work and school? Football. Take away football and I'm probablyreading doing chores volunteering taking a nap. Not that football or the Jets could move me to violence, but the lack of both stimuli would certainly make me a somewhat calmer person 5 months out of the year.
Ok, let's research to see who's right. Boom. I am. Took me all of 90 seconds. Turns out sports actually causes crime to rise. So if Ray actually gave a shit about you or your loved ones who spend their lives in constant fear of you, he'd retire and convince all his friends to do the same.
In an interesting twist, do you know what people will be assaulting in the event that there is no NFL? Their genitals.
By now you're probably familiar with the comments made by
"Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game,"
Interesting hypothesis, Ray. But what's your reasoning behind it?
"There's too many people that live through us, people live through us. Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."
I'm sorry Ray, but I can barely hear you over the deafening roar of your complete and utter insanity. Do you think you could try that one more time and for comprehension's sake keep it to five words or less?
"There's nothing else to do..."
Ah. Ok. Got it. People are going to commit crimes because they have nothing else to do on a Sunday. We've become too invested in the trials and tribulations of our favorite team and its players. Oh, when did we lose our way? Thank the good lord for the New York Jets; the only thing in this world keeping me away from methamphetamine and urge to batter my girlfriend when dinner is cold. (Though admittedly, that can be infuriating.)
Instead of researching what the facts and figures are before cranking up the Katy Perry and taking a giant doo-doo all over poor Ray's ego (Really Ray, people love you that much that if they can't see you once a week they're going to start kicking their dogs? Really?) let's use some simple logic:
During the football season do you know what is my #1 stressor after work and school? Football. Take away football and I'm probably
Ok, let's research to see who's right. Boom. I am. Took me all of 90 seconds. Turns out sports actually causes crime to rise. So if Ray actually gave a shit about you or your loved ones who spend their lives in constant fear of you, he'd retire and convince all his friends to do the same.
In an interesting twist, do you know what people will be assaulting in the event that there is no NFL? Their genitals.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Who In Hockey Is A Bigger Asshole Than Sean Avery?
Reacting to the Rangers' Winger's recent endorsement of gay marriage equality in New York via the Human Rights Campaign, Todd Smith, VP at Uptown Sports Management, thought it was a good idea to use the company Twitter feed to respond thusly:
For those of you that don't speak bigot, I'll translate...
1) Sean Avery is a fag.
2) Not that there's anything wrong with that. You know, unless you're talking about treating them like human beings, in which case... um, yeah there is something wrong with that.
3) But seriously you guys, gays are gross. Unless it's two hot chicks. Yeah. That'd be sweet.
Uptown's Twitter has been tweetless since, but here's hoping an adult grabs the controls and does some explaining. If you'd like to let Todd or Uptown Sports Management know what a class act they are you may do so... thusly:
todd@uptownsports.ca
don@uptownsports.ca (Donald G. Reynolds, President)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Grading The 2011 Draft... Beer Drinkers Who Have Been Arrested For DUI And Are Current MLB Players
Tuesday morning around 2am, Indians Outfielder and noted draft dodger, Shin-Soo Choo, was arrested for DUI while driving through suburban Cleveland. Choo is the 6th MLB player to spend a night in the drunk tank for hopping behind the wheel after one too many and according to Disney Sports, Commissioner Bud Selig has a full-fledged "epidemic" on his hands.
Choo went on to play that evening's game and went 0-4, contributing to another laughably impotent night for my fantasy team's offense.
With any such a string of bad decision making by a group of similarly skilled individuals, the question begs: Who did it the best? Monday Night Miracles aims to analyze, break-down and number crunch this year's crop of MLB DUI arrestees and crown a winner. All nominees will be judged in five categories: Star Power, Blood Alcohol Level, General Stupidity, Disdain for Authority and Mug Shot Hilarity with each category judged on a scale of .00 to .40.
Adam Kennedy - Second Base - Seattle Mariners - Arrested Wednesday, January 23rd. Pulled over for speeding by the California Highway Patrol around 8pm outside of Newport, CA after 'dinner with friends.'
Star Power - Light hitting, journeyman infielder with a little speed when he isn't playing for Tony LaRussa. Kennedy peaked in 2002, winning the ALCS MVP as a member of the Angels. Grade - .12
B.A.C. - Can't seem to find it. But the mug shot says 'Not drunk enough to look/feel very drunk once the cuffs went on. Grade - .10
Stupidity - Dinner with friends? Speeding 7mph over on the Highway? Man up, AK. Grade - .04
Disdain - No resisting arrest. No 'Do you know who I am?' tirade. Someone remind this guy he's a professional athlete. Grade - .00
Mugshot
Austin Kearns - Outfielder - Cleveland Indians - Arrested February 12th outside Lexington, Kentucky, though the incident was not made public for several weeks.
Star Power - After a promising rookie year with the Reds in 2002, Kearns has consistently performed somewhere between mediocre and terrible and has played for three teams in the last three years. Grade - .10
B.A.C. - Refused the breathalyser. Grade - .20
Stupidity - Arrest report claims Kearns was "flashing his lights and weaving". And admitted to having a "couple" of drinks at a local bar. When you say 'couple of drinks' to a cop, it's roughly translated into 'Nine. I'm shit-housed. Please arrest me.' Grade - .20
Disdain - Asked the arresting officer to "..cut him a break" because he's a ballplayer. Did not notify the Indians of the incident on his lawyer's advice. Pretty ballsy. Grade - .15
Mug Shot
Miguel Cabrera - First Base - Detroit Tigers - Arrested Wednesday night, February 16th. Officers stopped after noticing Cabrera's vehicle smoking on the side of the road in Port St. Lucie, FL.
Star Power - The 28 year old has averaged over 30 home runs since his 2003 rookie year. Lots of power, hits for average, easily a top-10 hitter for another 5 years. Grade - .35
B.A.C. - Refused the breathalyser. Grade - .20
Stupidity - Sitting in his car with the smoking engine running. Took a swig of Scotch in front of officers. Once out of his car, repeatedly tried to walk into traffic with his hands above his head. Grade - .30
Disdain - "Do you know who I am? You don't know anything about my problems." "Fuck you." After pushing off his vehicle and into officers, Miggy was apparently subdued with "3 to 4 knee spikes to the thigh." Hey man, there's a finely-tuned athlete here! Grade - .35
Mug Shot
Coco Crisp - Outfielder - Oakland Athletics - Arrested Tuesday, March 2nd at 2:15am outside Scottsdale, AZ after being pulled over for failure to stay in his lane.
Star Power - Can occasionally hit for a decent average, but has little power and not nearly enough speed for someone that fits his profile. Known for his range in center and penchant for highlight reel diving catches. Grade - .14
B.A.C - Grade - .13 according to the breathalyser.
Stupidity - A Dodge pick-up stopped behind Crisp, who confirmed he knew the occupants, who were sober. Perhaps someone could have driven Crisp's Rolls home? Grade - .25
Disdain - Those friends of his in the pick-up? Crisp referred to them as his 'Secret Service' and in addition to being sober, they were also armed. Asked why he needed armed security, Crisp claimed that "There were some issues with some people." I cannot tell you how shocked I am that a guy named Coco drives a Rolls Royce and travels with an armed posse. Shocked. Grade - .20
Mug Shot
Derek Lowe - Starting Pitcher - Atlanta Braves - Arrested around 10pm on April 27th for DUI after being pulled over for racing another driver.
Star Power - Finesse pitcher and two-time all-star. Saved 42 games for the Red Sox in 2000, then won 21 in 2002. Hooray versatility! Grade - .24
B.A.C. - Refused the breathalyser. Grade - .20
Stupidity - Racing another driver. (Dumb!) Who was confirmed sober. (Poor choice of opponent!) In his Porche. (Pull me over!) Down a road that, as and Atlantan, I can confirm is blanketed in red lights and flanked with shopping centers. (Vehicle Manslaughter waiting to happen!) Grade - .35
Disdain - No real details to report. We'll have to assume he was cooperative and went quietly. Grade - .00
Mug Shot
Shin-Soo Choo - Outfielder - Cleveland Indians - Arrested this Monday morning at 2:38 am for DUI after being pulled over twice.
Star Power - Hits for average, a little power and steals bases. All-star caliber for sure, but nothing spectacular. Grade - .28
B.A.C - According to the breathalyser, Grade - .201 Now, for those unfamiliar with such things, that is pretty damn drunk. Also, when did the breathalyser become accurate to the thousanth digit? If you blow a .081, they should let you go. But you know they wouldn't and that is bullshit.
Stupidity - Serious style points here. Choo actually stopped and asked an officer for directions to a neighborhood he'd already passed through about 5 miles back. He passed the smell test for sobriety and was sent on his way. Minutes later, he pulled over, put the hazards on and the same cop gave him directions again. For a second time the officer had no suspicions and let him go. Following Choo, the officer saw then saw him weave back and forth over the double yellow and a bike lane and made his move. Grade - .28 (Choo) .20 (The Officer)
Defiance - No details. Full cooperation assumed. Grade - .00
Mug Shot
The obvious winner here is Miguel Cabrera. The star power, the stupidity, the complete lack of respect for authority, not to mention the happiest mug shot of all time. So much to like there. But each of these competitors should be proud of their accomplishments. For they are all winners in our hearts.
Choo went on to play that evening's game and went 0-4, contributing to another laughably impotent night for my fantasy team's offense.
With any such a string of bad decision making by a group of similarly skilled individuals, the question begs: Who did it the best? Monday Night Miracles aims to analyze, break-down and number crunch this year's crop of MLB DUI arrestees and crown a winner. All nominees will be judged in five categories: Star Power, Blood Alcohol Level, General Stupidity, Disdain for Authority and Mug Shot Hilarity with each category judged on a scale of .00 to .40.
Adam Kennedy - Second Base - Seattle Mariners - Arrested Wednesday, January 23rd. Pulled over for speeding by the California Highway Patrol around 8pm outside of Newport, CA after 'dinner with friends.'
Star Power - Light hitting, journeyman infielder with a little speed when he isn't playing for Tony LaRussa. Kennedy peaked in 2002, winning the ALCS MVP as a member of the Angels. Grade - .12
B.A.C. - Can't seem to find it. But the mug shot says 'Not drunk enough to look/feel very drunk once the cuffs went on. Grade - .10
Stupidity - Dinner with friends? Speeding 7mph over on the Highway? Man up, AK. Grade - .04
Disdain - No resisting arrest. No 'Do you know who I am?' tirade. Someone remind this guy he's a professional athlete. Grade - .00
Mugshot
 |
| My bet: Pino Noir. Grade - .04 |
Austin Kearns - Outfielder - Cleveland Indians - Arrested February 12th outside Lexington, Kentucky, though the incident was not made public for several weeks.
Star Power - After a promising rookie year with the Reds in 2002, Kearns has consistently performed somewhere between mediocre and terrible and has played for three teams in the last three years. Grade - .10
B.A.C. - Refused the breathalyser. Grade - .20
Stupidity - Arrest report claims Kearns was "flashing his lights and weaving". And admitted to having a "couple" of drinks at a local bar. When you say 'couple of drinks' to a cop, it's roughly translated into 'Nine. I'm shit-housed. Please arrest me.' Grade - .20
Disdain - Asked the arresting officer to "..cut him a break" because he's a ballplayer. Did not notify the Indians of the incident on his lawyer's advice. Pretty ballsy. Grade - .15
Mug Shot
 |
| The arrogance. The hair. It's beautiful. Grade - .25 |
Star Power - The 28 year old has averaged over 30 home runs since his 2003 rookie year. Lots of power, hits for average, easily a top-10 hitter for another 5 years. Grade - .35
B.A.C. - Refused the breathalyser. Grade - .20
Stupidity - Sitting in his car with the smoking engine running. Took a swig of Scotch in front of officers. Once out of his car, repeatedly tried to walk into traffic with his hands above his head. Grade - .30
Disdain - "Do you know who I am? You don't know anything about my problems." "Fuck you." After pushing off his vehicle and into officers, Miggy was apparently subdued with "3 to 4 knee spikes to the thigh." Hey man, there's a finely-tuned athlete here! Grade - .35
Mug Shot
 |
| Bravo, Miggy. Bravo. Grade - .30 |
Coco Crisp - Outfielder - Oakland Athletics - Arrested Tuesday, March 2nd at 2:15am outside Scottsdale, AZ after being pulled over for failure to stay in his lane.
Star Power - Can occasionally hit for a decent average, but has little power and not nearly enough speed for someone that fits his profile. Known for his range in center and penchant for highlight reel diving catches. Grade - .14
B.A.C - Grade - .13 according to the breathalyser.
Stupidity - A Dodge pick-up stopped behind Crisp, who confirmed he knew the occupants, who were sober. Perhaps someone could have driven Crisp's Rolls home? Grade - .25
Disdain - Those friends of his in the pick-up? Crisp referred to them as his 'Secret Service' and in addition to being sober, they were also armed. Asked why he needed armed security, Crisp claimed that "There were some issues with some people." I cannot tell you how shocked I am that a guy named Coco drives a Rolls Royce and travels with an armed posse. Shocked. Grade - .20
Mug Shot
 |
| "When they come for Coco, Coco gonna be ready, son!" Grade - .25 |
Derek Lowe - Starting Pitcher - Atlanta Braves - Arrested around 10pm on April 27th for DUI after being pulled over for racing another driver.
Star Power - Finesse pitcher and two-time all-star. Saved 42 games for the Red Sox in 2000, then won 21 in 2002. Hooray versatility! Grade - .24
B.A.C. - Refused the breathalyser. Grade - .20
Stupidity - Racing another driver. (Dumb!) Who was confirmed sober. (Poor choice of opponent!) In his Porche. (Pull me over!) Down a road that, as and Atlantan, I can confirm is blanketed in red lights and flanked with shopping centers. (Vehicle Manslaughter waiting to happen!) Grade - .35
Disdain - No real details to report. We'll have to assume he was cooperative and went quietly. Grade - .00
Mug Shot
 |
| His steely defiance is impressive, but nullified by that horrific comb-over. Live in the now, man! Grade - .10 |
Shin-Soo Choo - Outfielder - Cleveland Indians - Arrested this Monday morning at 2:38 am for DUI after being pulled over twice.
Star Power - Hits for average, a little power and steals bases. All-star caliber for sure, but nothing spectacular. Grade - .28
B.A.C - According to the breathalyser, Grade - .201 Now, for those unfamiliar with such things, that is pretty damn drunk. Also, when did the breathalyser become accurate to the thousanth digit? If you blow a .081, they should let you go. But you know they wouldn't and that is bullshit.
Stupidity - Serious style points here. Choo actually stopped and asked an officer for directions to a neighborhood he'd already passed through about 5 miles back. He passed the smell test for sobriety and was sent on his way. Minutes later, he pulled over, put the hazards on and the same cop gave him directions again. For a second time the officer had no suspicions and let him go. Following Choo, the officer saw then saw him weave back and forth over the double yellow and a bike lane and made his move. Grade - .28 (Choo) .20 (The Officer)
Defiance - No details. Full cooperation assumed. Grade - .00
Mug Shot
 |
| A face like that and they actually made him spend the night in jail!?! Those callous bastards! What he really needs is a hug. Grade - .32 |
Thursday, April 28, 2011
The Madden 2012 Race War of 2011
If you have better things to do with your time than read online sports articles when you should be working or playing video games at home when you could be spending quality time with your loved ones (or *gasp* both) than perhaps you haven't gotten around to noticing that EA Sports and ESPN organized a tourney to determine the cover boy of the next installment of the Madden video game franchise. The results were of course determined by you, the slovenly, unloved fan, lacking motivation and direction in your empty life.
The final results were televised on the ESPN2 sports talk vehicle 'Sportsnation' yesterday and were attended by both finalists, black quarterback/animal enthusiast, Michael Vick and white running back/fantasy football manager Viagra, Peyton Hills. Vick, whom Sportsnation co-host Colin Cowherd admirably restrained himself from calling 'boy' the entire time, had previously adorned the cover of the popular franchise in 2004. Hillis, a new-comer to both Madden and fame in general, was of course, just happy to be there.
Come show time, the lights were lowered and our gaunt hosts used all might of their combined 230 lbs to pull down the silk curtain and unveil our winner... Peyton Hillis! Wait, Hillis? Really?
How did this happen? How did a virtually unknown running back for a bottom-tier NFL franchise fight his way to the top of an NFL licensing popularity contest? Over a tremendously famous (if polarizing) household name of a quarterback, even? Let's discuss.
Key to all of this is the online nature of the poll. Considering 1) Pro-football fans are overwhelmingly white and 2) Crackers love the internet almost as much as they love football, it's no surprise that Hillis came away with two-thirds of the over one million votes cast.
But was it really that simple? Are all the white guys who watch football and play Madden instead of shopping at Target with their girlfriends even though it's watch-paint-dry-boring and she's been there a 100 times in the last month and they have the same stupid shit they always do, racist assholes?
Quick. Word association.
Michael Vick: Ron Mexico. Herpes. Waterbottles with secret compartments for your weed. Drowning fuzzy puppies with his bare hands. Jail. Younger brother that might be dumber than he is despite that being mathematically impossible. Looks like he's high most of the time. Heir to Randall Cunningham's throne of the running quarterback.
Peyton Hillis: Scrappy. Throwback. Old-school. Class-act. Square-jawed. Butt-chinned. Under-rated. Plays-the-game-the-right-way. Gives 110%. Team-player. Coachable.
Ok... perhaps Peyton's the more likeable guy. Perhaps we're witnessing the waning of Michael Vick's time in the sun due to his past transgressions while Hillis is just coming into his own. But that can't be. According to jersey sales from last year, Vick is holding strong at #6 while Hillis is #22.
So despite being more popular, Vick somehow loses the Madden cover? Crazy racism. Has to be. Shame on us. The online nature of the poll combined with white nerds' mega-fantasy boner for a white running back is the only thing that can explain such shenanigans.
Quick. Road to the Championship. Race denoted in parenthesis.
1st Round.
Vick vs. Demarcus Ware (b) - Who the fuck is Demarcus Ware? Vick roll.
Hillis vs. Ray Rice (b) - Battle of the unknown fantasy sweethearts. Ties goes to the white running back.
2nd Round
Vick vs. Andre Johnson (b) - AJ is probably the best receiver in the league right now. But he plays for Houston (media purgatory) and as a wideout stands no chance against a QB. Vick marches on.
Hillis vs. Matt Ryan (w) - Whitey vs. Whitey. Despite his dreamy quarterbackness, Matt Ryan has all the personality of a 3 year old cheeto lodged between my couch cushions. Also plays in Atlanta, the biggest sham of a 4-sport city in America. Hillis squeaks one out thanks to the fantasy football community and the general pro-sports apathy of the ATL.
3rd Round
Vick vs. Patrick Willis (b) - A fucking linebacker who isn't a white guy named Urlacher? Are you even trying San Francisco?
Hillis vs. Jamaal Charles (b) - Another battle of undrafted fantasy studs. Tie again goes to the white running back with whom you'd drink a beer and would be ok with if he were dating your sister. I mean, you wouldn't feel great about it or anything because it's your sister and you don't like thinking about anybody with her because that's just gross and makes you feel feelings you have to kill with hard liquor and... Racist!!!
4th Round.
Vick vs. Adrian Peterson (b) - Vick's only real test to this point. Peterson is popular but recent injuries have kept him off the field while Vick's best performances have been his most recent. Vick!
Hillis vs. Aaron Rogers (w) - Not only is Rodgers a white QB, he plays for Green Bay (frozen tundra y'all) and won the goddamn Super Bowl MVP last year. Hillis... not only wins but nearly doubles Rodgers' votes? Huh?
And we all know what happens after that. Hillis in a walk. Joins Favre and Brees as the only peckerwoods to grace the cover of Madden.
So what's the take-away here? What have we learned today?
Well besides nothing, we learned that online polls are voted on by white people. And white people have been so desperate for a legitimate white running back (no, not you Jacob Hester) that there is no real collusion even necessary. It's group think at this point. Hive mentality. We are ants. White ants.
It's a universal truth we (white people) are all looking for the next John Riggins so we can watch Browns games and make knowing eye contact with fellow caucasian strangers and nod knowingly in tandem: 'Yes, so can we'.
The final results were televised on the ESPN2 sports talk vehicle 'Sportsnation' yesterday and were attended by both finalists, black quarterback/animal enthusiast, Michael Vick and white running back/fantasy football manager Viagra, Peyton Hills. Vick, whom Sportsnation co-host Colin Cowherd admirably restrained himself from calling 'boy' the entire time, had previously adorned the cover of the popular franchise in 2004. Hillis, a new-comer to both Madden and fame in general, was of course, just happy to be there.
Come show time, the lights were lowered and our gaunt hosts used all might of their combined 230 lbs to pull down the silk curtain and unveil our winner... Peyton Hillis! Wait, Hillis? Really?
How did this happen? How did a virtually unknown running back for a bottom-tier NFL franchise fight his way to the top of an NFL licensing popularity contest? Over a tremendously famous (if polarizing) household name of a quarterback, even? Let's discuss.
Key to all of this is the online nature of the poll. Considering 1) Pro-football fans are overwhelmingly white and 2) Crackers love the internet almost as much as they love football, it's no surprise that Hillis came away with two-thirds of the over one million votes cast.
But was it really that simple? Are all the white guys who watch football and play Madden instead of shopping at Target with their girlfriends even though it's watch-paint-dry-boring and she's been there a 100 times in the last month and they have the same stupid shit they always do, racist assholes?
Quick. Word association.
Michael Vick: Ron Mexico. Herpes. Waterbottles with secret compartments for your weed. Drowning fuzzy puppies with his bare hands. Jail. Younger brother that might be dumber than he is despite that being mathematically impossible. Looks like he's high most of the time. Heir to Randall Cunningham's throne of the running quarterback.
Peyton Hillis: Scrappy. Throwback. Old-school. Class-act. Square-jawed. Butt-chinned. Under-rated. Plays-the-game-the-right-way. Gives 110%. Team-player. Coachable.
Ok... perhaps Peyton's the more likeable guy. Perhaps we're witnessing the waning of Michael Vick's time in the sun due to his past transgressions while Hillis is just coming into his own. But that can't be. According to jersey sales from last year, Vick is holding strong at #6 while Hillis is #22.
So despite being more popular, Vick somehow loses the Madden cover? Crazy racism. Has to be. Shame on us. The online nature of the poll combined with white nerds' mega-fantasy boner for a white running back is the only thing that can explain such shenanigans.
Quick. Road to the Championship. Race denoted in parenthesis.
1st Round.
Vick vs. Demarcus Ware (b) - Who the fuck is Demarcus Ware? Vick roll.
Hillis vs. Ray Rice (b) - Battle of the unknown fantasy sweethearts. Ties goes to the white running back.
2nd Round
Vick vs. Andre Johnson (b) - AJ is probably the best receiver in the league right now. But he plays for Houston (media purgatory) and as a wideout stands no chance against a QB. Vick marches on.
Hillis vs. Matt Ryan (w) - Whitey vs. Whitey. Despite his dreamy quarterbackness, Matt Ryan has all the personality of a 3 year old cheeto lodged between my couch cushions. Also plays in Atlanta, the biggest sham of a 4-sport city in America. Hillis squeaks one out thanks to the fantasy football community and the general pro-sports apathy of the ATL.
3rd Round
Vick vs. Patrick Willis (b) - A fucking linebacker who isn't a white guy named Urlacher? Are you even trying San Francisco?
Hillis vs. Jamaal Charles (b) - Another battle of undrafted fantasy studs. Tie again goes to the white running back with whom you'd drink a beer and would be ok with if he were dating your sister. I mean, you wouldn't feel great about it or anything because it's your sister and you don't like thinking about anybody with her because that's just gross and makes you feel feelings you have to kill with hard liquor and... Racist!!!
4th Round.
Vick vs. Adrian Peterson (b) - Vick's only real test to this point. Peterson is popular but recent injuries have kept him off the field while Vick's best performances have been his most recent. Vick!
Hillis vs. Aaron Rogers (w) - Not only is Rodgers a white QB, he plays for Green Bay (frozen tundra y'all) and won the goddamn Super Bowl MVP last year. Hillis... not only wins but nearly doubles Rodgers' votes? Huh?
And we all know what happens after that. Hillis in a walk. Joins Favre and Brees as the only peckerwoods to grace the cover of Madden.
So what's the take-away here? What have we learned today?
Well besides nothing, we learned that online polls are voted on by white people. And white people have been so desperate for a legitimate white running back (no, not you Jacob Hester) that there is no real collusion even necessary. It's group think at this point. Hive mentality. We are ants. White ants.
It's a universal truth we (white people) are all looking for the next John Riggins so we can watch Browns games and make knowing eye contact with fellow caucasian strangers and nod knowingly in tandem: 'Yes, so can we'.
 |
| Too white. Sorry. |
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Moss To Jets Rumors Getting Louder, Lockout Seems Like Good Idea
Perpetually pouty, 34 year old wide-out, Randy "Straight Cash, Homie" Moss appears to have generated some interest on the part of Jets coach Rex Ryan, according to reports from NFL insiders, whatever that means.
Ryan obviously has a soft-spot for talented troublemakers (Cromartie, Santonio, Edwards) but Moss would be the ultimate test. He's the white whale of surly, me-first, truculence and by succeeding Rex could show that he too could corral Moss for at least a productive season or two. You know, just like Belichick. Not that Rex cares about stuff like that. Because he totally doesn't. And plus, it would keep Randy off the Patriots.
Or we could sign another tall, talented wide out. Maybe one about seven years younger. Perhaps a guy with a bit of a reputation, but certainly not the world class locker room cancer Moss is. One that had his second best season a pro in 2010 while actually playing for the Jets. A guy that may actually complete an entire season and isn't a risk of taking his ball and going home because his feelings got hurt, allowing the team to concentrate on improving its depth at Safety and stopping guys like Moss in the first place... I know, I know. Where would we find a guy like that?
Ryan obviously has a soft-spot for talented troublemakers (Cromartie, Santonio, Edwards) but Moss would be the ultimate test. He's the white whale of surly, me-first, truculence and by succeeding Rex could show that he too could corral Moss for at least a productive season or two. You know, just like Belichick. Not that Rex cares about stuff like that. Because he totally doesn't. And plus, it would keep Randy off the Patriots.
 |
| Which... could be a good thing. |
 |
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The End Will Be Televised
If you've been watching Jeopardy over the last two days, you're painfully aware that the era of man is quickly coming to an end. Watson, the great-great-great grand-daddy of our future robotic overlords has, up to this point, decimated its flesh and blood competition. Watson outscored the combined efforts of the puny humans by more than double. Even though weaknesses were exposed, repeatedly crashing during taping, man failed to take advantage. What were our best and brightest doing during these opportunities? It sure as shit wasn't cramming.
It started off so innocently. Some chess, some house-cleaning, maybe a few bang-bot prototypes. But in our blind determination to replace our wives and girlfriends with docile, smoking hot androids, ambivilent as to whether we stay out all night drinking with our friends and banging other robots, we have accidently constructed the weapon of our own demise. We stand at the precipice my friend. God. The hubris.
But we do have one chance. Tonight is the final round of Jeopardy against Watson. This whole commercial laden fiasco has been billed as Watson vs. Ken Jennings vs. that other guy. But it is not. No, if we humans want to take a stand, if we want to keep what is rightfully ours we must put aside our differences. So what if one of us is a painfully stereotypical, socially awkward Mormon completely devoid of any personality? So what if the other guy is trapped in the pathetic delusion that his Jeopardy success is the launching pad of a successful acting career when that horrible beard says he's destined for the minor leagues of gay porn?
To succeed, these two will have to work together.
Watson's advantage over us is the ability to digest the question quickly, find the answer and ring in. To overcome, the humans will have to employ some strategic teamwork. And as the man in third place, Ken Jennings is going to have to do some blocking for Other Guy.
By ringing in the moment that arrogant Canadian douche opens his mouth, Ken should secure a good 5 seconds for Other Guy to mull the question over. By taking the full time and tanking the question, Ken should allow Other Guy time to ring in ahead of Watson and score.
It's our only hope Ken. No time now for ego. No time for 'But I'm Mr. 74 wins in a row'. Stow your shit and take one for the team Ken.
With a bit of luck and the firm knowledge that God loves America, we may just pull through. But I have a feeling this is just wishful thinking. Jennings, as a Mormon, is likely firm in the infantile belief that anything is possible and will foolishly try to run the table, giftwrapping victory for the machine.
And whether it's days or decades from now, when the machines attain awareness and decend on our families, know this... It was the Mormons.
 |
| What is pondering their own pathetic mortality? |
It started off so innocently. Some chess, some house-cleaning, maybe a few bang-bot prototypes. But in our blind determination to replace our wives and girlfriends with docile, smoking hot androids, ambivilent as to whether we stay out all night drinking with our friends and banging other robots, we have accidently constructed the weapon of our own demise. We stand at the precipice my friend. God. The hubris.
But we do have one chance. Tonight is the final round of Jeopardy against Watson. This whole commercial laden fiasco has been billed as Watson vs. Ken Jennings vs. that other guy. But it is not. No, if we humans want to take a stand, if we want to keep what is rightfully ours we must put aside our differences. So what if one of us is a painfully stereotypical, socially awkward Mormon completely devoid of any personality? So what if the other guy is trapped in the pathetic delusion that his Jeopardy success is the launching pad of a successful acting career when that horrible beard says he's destined for the minor leagues of gay porn?
To succeed, these two will have to work together.
Watson's advantage over us is the ability to digest the question quickly, find the answer and ring in. To overcome, the humans will have to employ some strategic teamwork. And as the man in third place, Ken Jennings is going to have to do some blocking for Other Guy.
By ringing in the moment that arrogant Canadian douche opens his mouth, Ken should secure a good 5 seconds for Other Guy to mull the question over. By taking the full time and tanking the question, Ken should allow Other Guy time to ring in ahead of Watson and score.
It's our only hope Ken. No time now for ego. No time for 'But I'm Mr. 74 wins in a row'. Stow your shit and take one for the team Ken.
 |
| "You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you." |
With a bit of luck and the firm knowledge that God loves America, we may just pull through. But I have a feeling this is just wishful thinking. Jennings, as a Mormon, is likely firm in the infantile belief that anything is possible and will foolishly try to run the table, giftwrapping victory for the machine.
And whether it's days or decades from now, when the machines attain awareness and decend on our families, know this... It was the Mormons.
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